Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

Sorry about the jumbled post, my computer was messing up. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[MichelleLT]

Any reason you can't invite her along? A lil mystery and unavailability is good, but at some point there is also throwing an offer out there to see how she reacts. If it doesn't work, it's a minor slip (especially since you're not asking her on a Date) lol.

[jon2911]

Thanks Michelle!

I took the plunge and called her, needed more info than texting would give. The talk was nice. She said she just needs to get out of Houston, the stress, the holidays, everything is getting to her. She also has a new roommate, and I got to hear all about that.

We planned that I would meet her at 3:00 when she gets in town. She said "maybe you can help me take my stuff upstairs". That's nice. Then I'll leave at 6:00 for my plans.

I told her I could cancel my plans for Saturday. She said "if it's something just for fun, that's cool, don't cancel anything important." I told her I'd always prefer to spend time with her, if things can be moved.

I called my friend with the Friday night plans, and he said if my time with W turns into a date, that I just just stay with her. Glad he's understanding. He understood my tension between GAL and not dropping everything for her, but spending time with her when I can.

It's been a tough day. Working on the amended taxes sucked, then I walked out to my truck and the tire was flat. I can see the nail, so at least it's fixable. Getting it fixed now. Car trouble really makes me feel alone.

I'm excited about this weekend now. Things can be touchy making these plans with a skittish W, but we did it. Now I just need to calm down, breathe, and try not to have any expectations.

[MichelleLT]

Glad you got that arranged!

Some flexibility is good. Sounds like you are striking a good balance.

Good luck with the taxes!

[jon2911]

I'm excited this morning. Made some plans for fun things to do around her hotel, and a gift. There's a custom shop she really likes, it's like Bath and Body works but they let you pick the scents and colors and mix it all right there. I made some for her a year and a half ago, and she loved it but we left it in a hotel LOL. I think I'll even go for it and make it a Christmas gift. Was worried about making her feel bad for not having one, but she's giving me a printer. Very nice. I need one but didn't want to buy it.

She said "we only see each other every couple months, so I want to give it to you now so you don't have to wait until March." Interesting comment, but I find it hopeful.

Tomato's talk of an apartment got me thinking. I already picked out our place. It's a great place that she lived after we separated, but we were pretty much living there together before she moved to Houston, and she misses it. I mention it from time to time. Definitely a long-term goal.

[MichelleLT]

Very thoughtful!

Have a great weekend!

Can't wait for an update.

Have fun! Give her something to miss!

[jon2911]

Well, guess I got a progress report.

W came in Friday night, I met her at the hotel. She looked tired, said she hadn't slept in a couple days, and didn't want to go out for dinner. She also had a new nerve block shot last week, and it was giving her a terrible headache. I was wondering why she still came.

I went and got pizza and a movie, and we enjoyed watching it. I also had her Christmas present, some product from a cool store she loves called Bath Junkie. They let you customize the colors and scents. She was tired at 8:30, so we made plans for the next day and I went and caught the tail end of a party.

She wanted to meet for lunch Saturday, so I still got to go to a Christmas party and meet her afterwards at our favorite place downtown. She wanted to change the scent on one of her products, so we did that. It was fun.

Back at my place, she told me that she's decided to file for divorce. We're been separated for over two years, and she's not going to move back. I told her I'm sorry she feels that way, and she said "I'm disappointed too", but that it's too hard to continue doing taxes and details this way. "Wouldn't it be nice to just call each other too see how you're doing, not to check on taxes?"

I asked if this was why she hadn't slept in a couple days, and she said yes. She thought this would be easy, just a formality considering how long we've been separated, but now realizes that it won't be. She apologized for being so mean during our marriage. We worked out some details, packed up the last of her things from my place and left, saying she plans to file in Houston this week. She's only talked to FIL about this, doesn't want the rest of the family to know until it's final. Great. Again, my C says that FIL is most of the problem here. She said "I guess we won't talk for a while".

I called my parents and a couple friends, and then W called an hour later to thank me for the Christmas presents. We ended up talking another 2 1/2 hours until she got back to Houston. She mentioned BIL, who is an addiction recovery counselor, and some of the questions he's been asking her. Like, "how did you deal with the death of your Mom?" Answer: she hasn't. That happened early in our M and it was downhill from there. I've never met BIL, but I really like him. She said he's really into Christian videos like my company makes, and wished she'd gotten one for Christmas. I told her I'd mail one Monday, and she said "it's OK if you change your mind."

Sunday was a good day, lots of friends and music. I didn't sleep well either night, couldn't get my mind off things so I read the DB forums instead.

I mailed the DVD Monday, and texted her that it was done. She said "that's nice, thanks". I wanted to puke. I'm tired of "nice". Reading quite a few threads on here, BeTheMan, dday101798, K4D, it seems like "nice" is what got me here.

She's still in so much physical pain with the migraines, and I can tell she doesn't want to do this. But she's doing it. During band practice Monday night, which went very well, I was thinking about all of this and getting more and more ticked.

She always hated my music. I was supposed to be a workaholic businessman like her dad, not working for a start-up and churches like I am now. These issues are why the lay-off back in January was so tough, because I've had to make major career and life choices, just when it felt like W and I were making progress. Going to a career and life coaching group has made me realize how much I hate the corporate world, and enjoy working for a start-up. My boss wasn't hit as badly by the recession, and was able to hire me back. I learned a lot working for a big company for a year and a half. Mostly how NOT to run a web site. And how big, "stable" companies are not stable at all. They can't adjust as quickly when the economy tanks. Yes, the start-up world can be tough on a family, it doesn't have medical benefits or 401K, this was always the tension I lived in.

I decided that this frees me up to really pursue the things I love, and if that means W and I don't work, so be it. I had told her as much on Saturday. I'm going to look into filing Married Separate for 2008 taxes, which are still not done. I paid quite a bit in withholding, she paid none. At the very least if we file joint I'll need her to make up the difference. I also bought some stock from her last year, which is still in her mother's name. She can't figure out how to transfer it, so she gave me the certificate. She'll just have to give me cash.

I was feeling very confident when she called at 12:45. She asked how my day was, I said "great". She said "you always say that". I explained more, about how well the band is going, I like my job and the church stuff. I could give a crap what she thinks about all that. We talked until she fell asleep. And I slept very well too.

I realize I've been stuck, waiting around hoping for good interaction with W, embarrassed that I don't have the kind of life and career she thinks I should have. At this point I'm not contacting her, but letting her contact me. Should I go completely dark? I don't want just crumbs, as Puppy says. I'm better than that.

[LolaL]

You are better than that.

I think that going dark has to be up to you. But I also want to say that you do need to get to a point where you can say what is on your mind (albeit with respect...) and not worry about the repercussion. You should be able to say you are doing great, because you are. (I don't know about you, but every once in a while I feel a little guilty that MY growing and changing has come along so well, and the Stupid German is stuck...and yet two words come to mind...poetic justice ). It is their own self imposed limbo, and they have to deal with it. So enjoy the fact that you are doing great, and if she asks, you should tell her you are doing great. If she grumbles, don't let that take it away. Feel Great!!!!

I think we have all experienced the egg shell walk, and now that this is happening you can take a breath. Sometimes it is just living in the limbo that kills us. As Tom Petty says, the waiting is the hardest part.

[MichelleLT]

Hmmm, she said she wants to talk just to talk.

If you go dark, I think she will file. Maybe if you call, she will file. But, is it just me, or that seem to be a hint that what she's fed up with is the lack of progress?

Can you try leading? Making more contact?

Are you ready to stop walking on eggshells? Maybe just put together a letter or e-mail saying, I don't want this D, I don't want to live like this either. Sorry for how things have gone, I don't think we have to get D.

Do you think it will hurt at this point?

[jon2911]

I felt guilty answering those calls, because I don't want to be desperate and beg her not to do this. In some ways, it would be a relief, the taxes and limbo have been a pain.

But this is not what I want. Not after working this hard and long.

She texted this morning about a new drink she saw at a gas station and thought of me. She called but I missed it, and I got voicemail a little later. A 180 at this point is definitely more contact.

Thanks both of you, that helps a lot. Always a new perspective on here! I'll give her a call tonight, then work on an e-mail. What can it hurt? I also have a counseling appointment tomorrow which is helpful.