A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 234 of 239 < 1 2 ... 232 233 234 235 236 238 239 >
Topic Options
#1895843 - 12/16/09 08:23 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
I think you will shine more if you stand up to her and show her what S/D in the real world is like. Right now she has the best of both worlds. As you know I just had to stand up to mine and it was tough, and he may get angry, but this is the road HE chose.

I saw that. I see 25 commented on it to for you. The thing is she really isn't looking for anything from me except and occasional pick up of the kids and oh, she wanted me to replace 5 lightbulbs in her house that she can't reach of which I have not done yet. I told her I would while I was there a week ago, but forgot. I haven't made a special trip over there to do it either. Perhaps I should just not do it at all. If I do, I guess it is still letting her have her cake and eat it to.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

Top
#1895846 - 12/16/09 08:25 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: MrBond]
Drew Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 2064
Kevin,

Just to be clear, we're not criticizing you. We're merely pointing out things you're doing or saying that didn't work in our situations. Stuck808 is saying the same things that I am in a slightly different way:

Showing her your actions = be a lighthouse instead.

Codependency = Man up

Make sense?
_________________________
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.

Top
#1895847 - 12/16/09 08:27 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: Drew]
Drew Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 2064
Don't change the flippin' light bulbs in her house!!!!!
_________________________
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.

Top
#1895849 - 12/16/09 08:28 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: MrBond]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
Quote:
IMO the problem is that you are trying to "show" her your actions. Just live your life and make your own decisions. Stand on your own two feet and don't rely on what I or others on here say.

You are the one that has to deal with the consequences not us. Write down what works (do more of them) and what doesn't (do less of these). It's that simple.


Stuck, I don't know what works with her. Nothing has worked to this point as far as bringing us to any kind of thinking about reconciliation. The only thing that has changed is she has been nicer over all for the majority of this month. Thats it. And I guess that is because I have been nice also to her and her family and not brought any type of R talk up in some time with her. I am a bit concerned that she may refile after New Years and after she has gotten another job. But I don't have a crystal ball to tell me for sure. She hasn't said anything about it in a while.

Quote:
Sometimes it seems like you're having the hardest time making the simplest actions. The co-dependency has shifted from your W to the board at times.


I at times do tend to get stuck on these boards when work is slow which it is this week. Also there just seems to be more interaction with W lately so I have been posting more about it. It is hard to decide to go through with a simple action sometimes because I worry about the outcome of that action if I go through with it.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

Top
#1895852 - 12/16/09 08:29 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
Quote:
Just to be clear, we're not criticizing you. We're merely pointing out things you're doing or saying that didn't work in our situations. Stuck808 is saying the same things that I am in a slightly different way:

Showing her your actions = be a lighthouse instead.

Codependency = Man up

Make sense?


Yes, it does make perfect sense. And I know you aren't criticizing me. This is all good advice from real experience.

Kevin


Edited by K4D (12/16/09 08:30 PM)
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

Top
#1895853 - 12/16/09 08:31 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
Quote:
Don't change the flippin' light bulbs in her house!!!!!


I had already said I would without thinking first when she mentioned it to me while I was over there. But I can refrain from doing it and let her figure out how to get it done.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

Top
#1895872 - 12/16/09 08:45 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10725
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: K4D
I am cashing out part of my 401k to pay off a credit card and to make up for not getting paid for work on Christmas day and new years day and to help make Christmas a bit better for my girls. I have another 401k plan though that I am not touching. This is the smaller one that I am pulling out.

Kevin


Bad idea. You pay taxes on your withdrawal from the 401k. Then after you repay the "loan" of your own money, which you've now paid taxes on, when you withdraw the funds down the line, you will AGAIN pay taxes on it. Worst financial thing to do. Hence the appeal of the Roth IRA for those who qualify and you do. (There better be a heck of a match from your company to make a 401k worth it in the first place-- but withdrawals from 401ks are fatal, financially.) There are many much cheaper ways.
j-


as for your sitch, it's just more of the same. You are ruled & paralyzed by your fears. By the way, when you said you "passed the good job onto her"... I thought that was weird to say. You turned it down b/c it meant more work for you --- which you did not want as you once said you were "not very ambitious", and she took it as an opportunity and worked hard at it, and now she earns lots more. That's what you said a year ago. Now, the story is you did her a favor...please. Thing is, if you are revising things like this, you can imagine how she is revising. Just...God K4, you need advice from robx and gucci. No women seem able to reach you. You are so afraid of being without her but you are without her. And you survived.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#1895880 - 12/16/09 08:58 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
Quote:
Bad idea. You pay taxes on your withdrawal from the 401k. Then after you repay the "loan" of your own money, which you've now paid taxes on, when you withdraw the funds down the line, you will AGAIN pay taxes on it. Worst financial thing to do. Hence the appeal of the Roth IRA for those who qualify and you do. (There better be a heck of a match from your company to make a 401k worth it in the first place-- but withdrawals from 401ks are fatal, financially.) There are many much cheaper ways.
j-


From everything I read, I simply pay the fed taxes plus an early withdrawal fee. It didn't say anything about having to pay it back. It was a roll over IRA and not much money in the account to be honest. You are saying I do have to pay it back even if I pay the penalty and taxes on it?

Quote:
as for your sitch, it's just more of the same. You are ruled & paralyzed by your fears. By the way, when you said you "passed the good job onto her"... I thought that was weird to say. You turned it down b/c it meant more work for you --- which you did not want as you once said you were "not very ambitious", and she took it as an opportunity and worked hard at it, and now she earns lots more. That's what you said a year ago. Now, the story is you did her a favor...please. Thing is, if you are revising things like this, you can imagine how she is revising. Just...God K4, you need advice from robx and gucci. No women seem able to reach you. You are so afraid of being without her but you are without her. And you survived.


Gucci talks to me once in a while. And yes, I have survived being without her. I am not sure why you say no women are getting through to me. I understand exactly what they are saying and I am listening to them and thinking it over. But I will concede whatever you want me to even though I don't think it is completely true.

As far as being in the same place, I haven't left my W behind. So if that is what you are talking about, I guess you are right.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

Top
#1895882 - 12/16/09 09:00 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Startingover2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/07
Posts: 3325
Ok, I see you getting overwhelmed with so many thing to do to stand up to W. I feel you. You and I are so much alike. Baby steps. Pick one or two things to start off with...I would personally start with the joint accounts. If it will save YOU money then you won't have to rob your 401K maybe? Once your first goal is made, work on the second one..then the third.
_________________________
Me: 46 FWS: 36
Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07
Baby Girl born 3/08
Kicked him out because OW: 7/08
5/10 He realized what he had and lost.
Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!

Top
#1895884 - 12/16/09 09:01 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
My coworker just told me if I close the 401k and take the distribution which isn't a loan, then I don't have to repay it. I just have to pay the penalty and the taxes.

Are you saying that is not the case?

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

Top
Page 234 of 239 < 1 2 ... 232 233 234 235 236 238 239 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004