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#1895653 - 12/16/09 05:56 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: P17]
Drew Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 2062
K4D,

Listen to P17, he's giving you GREAT advice.

And don't take this the wrong way, but ...

Man up.
_________________________
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.

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#1895704 - 12/16/09 06:35 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: Drew]
CityGirl Offline
Member

Registered: 04/20/09
Posts: 2612
Do not buy W a holiday gift or even broach the subject with her.

You and your W should each be responsible as individuals for purchasing gifts for your children.

Using 401K money for holiday gifts - not a good idea.

I would not invite your W for Christmas Eve dinner.

One goal I would personally like to see you set and achieve is how to find and use resources in all aspects of your life on your own without asking your W first.

Also, think about this.. when you are trying to make a solid and sound decision (EX: removing your W from the cell account) you take your time and evaluate in a very methodical manner. That is good BUT you need to apply that same methodology all the time when dealing with your W. When you think you have to call her and ask her a question, stop, evaluate, use your resources and be 110% sure it is actually something you need her input on. As I see it there is very little you would really need her assistance or input on.

Do not leave anything opened ended with her. When you do something either state it as "I have decided" or if necessary give her two available options, both which work for you.

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#1895711 - 12/16/09 06:41 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
Quote:
What about combining with W on Christmas gifts for the kids. She had wanted to do that to save money. Do I or not? It would allow me to save money as well and get the kids a better gift.
Something W and I always did together was do Christmas shopping in one fell swoop. That way we wouldn't overspend.

I asked her way back in October how she wanted to handle it this year. She never responded. I took the girls to Target so they could tell what they'd like from "Santa."

W never asked what was on the list and last weekend she spent wrapping her gifts.

So obviously I'm on my own on this. Which is fine. I'm going shopping this weekend and doing the wrapping Sunday.

Just assume you are doing your own thing. Make her ask you.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6

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#1895783 - 12/16/09 07:42 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: P17]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10955
detach
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#1895794 - 12/16/09 07:49 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: ClingingToHope]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
P17, Drew, CG, and ClingingToHope,

I will take all of this into consideration. I will work on using all of my own resources going forward and not asking W for anything.

The 401k is only about $800 which will be around $600 for early withdrawal penalty.

I have another one with a few thousand in it that I am thinking about putting towards getting my BA or PMP certification which I would hope would help further my career. I am thinking that one over.

So W will be over for Christmas morning as this was planned. I will have stocking stuffers for her like everyone else since she is planning on coming over that morning. Of course I did initiate the invite earlier on so that is my own doing and I am not going to back out of it now. But I won't extend an invite for Christmas eve dinner as I am not sure she would accept anyways.

I will really think on going ahead and finishing splitting the last 2 accounts that we are joint on.

Maybe the best thing I can do is completely separate everything, end all contact with W and move forward with her in the rearview mirror and see if in the future she comes back. I'm not sure this is the route that should take place, but I am thinking it over.

I think if I ended all contact, that would in affect kill any moments here and there of possible opportunities to shine in the coming future. I am not sure I should completely walk away, but maybe just not be W's crutch/safety net? Live independently and still keep moments that could shine and turn things around someday at some point? I don't really want to go the all or nothing route out of her life. Plus, how would that affect the kids? I am not sure that would be good on them either.

A lot to consider as Christmas draws closer.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

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#1895795 - 12/16/09 07:50 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
Quote:
detach


Yes, I know.

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

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#1895818 - 12/16/09 08:08 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: K4D]
Drew Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 2062
It's your life and you need to make your own decisions.

My counselor called it reality testing. You'd be surprised how powerful it is.

And you don't need to contact her for her to see you shine. You can see a lighthouse from a long way away can't you? Even if you're not looking ...............
_________________________
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.

Top
#1895823 - 12/16/09 08:11 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: Drew]
Startingover2 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/20/07
Posts: 3325
I think you will shine more if you stand up to her and show her what S/D in the real world is like. Right now she has the best of both worlds. As you know I just had to stand up to mine and it was tough, and he may get angry, but this is the road HE chose.
_________________________
Me: 46 FWS: 36
Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07
Baby Girl born 3/08
Kicked him out because OW: 7/08
5/10 He realized what he had and lost.
Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!

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#1895836 - 12/16/09 08:19 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: Startingover2]
K4D Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/08
Posts: 3975
Quote:
And you don't need to contact her for her to see you shine. You can see a lighthouse from a long way away can't you? Even if you're not looking ...............


This is true Drew,

Kevin
_________________________
Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...

Top
#1895838 - 12/16/09 08:20 PM Re: K4D To Be Or Not To Be ??? [Re: Startingover2]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10955
IMO the problem is that you are trying to "show" her your actions. Just live your life and make your own decisions. Stand on your own two feet and don't rely on what I or others on here say.

You are the one that has to deal with the consequences not us. Write down what works (do more of them) and what doesn't (do less of these). It's that simple.

Sometimes it seems like you're having the hardest time making the simplest actions. The co-dependency has shifted from your W to the board at times.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
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