She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

Thanks for the hug Mindful! Just what I need!

D17 stayed up all night sick to her stomach. She wanted to skip school today, but her and I finally agreed she needed to go. She has some tests she can't miss. She wanted to take all of BF's stuff and dump it at the school! I convinced her not to make any decisions while upset (W helped with this too).

She started having real problems with her BF around the same time my sitch started, and at first she was handling it so well: naturally DB'ing. But now, she's gone the other way with it.

She usually communicates a lot about this stuff, but because of everything she knows about the problems with me and W, she clearly wants to handle this all on her own. All I should really do anyway is offer her my love and support, but man it's hard to watch her hurt like this.

[Awoken]

there's been a significant thaw!

Thanks HM. I hadn't thought about it that way, and I have been wondering if I'm just supplicating her. But it's much better to have less animosity, at least for the kids. Especially since we are in the same house. I guess I have difficulty with how long this is, patience has not been my virtue: I want to fix it NOW.
It's been very hard, because I would normally want to leave the house when I'm feeling weak, but there's been so many times when I need to be there for the kids in case she's been drinking again. However, that seems to be improving too.

[Sister]

She usually communicates a lot about this stuff, but because of everything she knows about the problems with me and W, she clearly wants to handle this all on her own. All I should really do anyway is offer her my love and support, but man it's hard to watch her hurt like this.

(((D17))) & (((Awoken)))
Love & support is what she needs - same as you. So sorry she's having to go through this breakup. You can be a good example to her right now. Actions speak louder than words, right?

Sounds like you're handling things much better now. Peace in the house can't be a bad thing.

[Steve McQueen]

So now I am getting even more gutsy, I told her that her hair looks "really hot". I just didnt care what her response might be and there was none. But, she was still very friendly towards me shortly after that and not at all stand offish. You CAN be friendly AND ocasionaly send the message that you find her interesting. It take time.

just didnt care what her response might be .....

that is the attitude you had and conveyed when you first met your wife and it was successful. if they are interested in you they let you know, they laugh at even your stupid jokes, they constantly glance over at you, they want to talk. if they are not interested, its obvious.

don't bother gauging or analyzing their response. when you do or you are concerned what their response might be, they can sense that, (it is in how you project yourself, how you respond, you might even smell different) and it scares them. remember it is not suppose to be work it is suppose to be fun.

people respond better to a fun carefree attitude.

[sandi2]

Awoken, I have not posted in a while but didn't want you to think I had left for good. I want to tell you something about how your W has acted since you had the D talk and peace has seemed to settle over the house. Most of that is due to the fact both of you needed rest, and needed to try to meet in the middle of the road.....in order to maintain some type of sanity. So, you reach the place that you can't take any more and have the D talk. Now, what just kills me is when I see this reaction with the LBH........his W shows him a little affection and softens (for lack of a better word) toward him in her attitude. She tells him how she's missed him.....her best friend. He goes away feeling pretty good over their talk.

Okay, so here's the deal.......if she can get her D and keep you as her best friend....life is just honky-dorey! Do you want to know what really shook me up in my stitch? When my H looked me firmly in the eye and said, "There won't be any of this being friends thing...if we break up". I don't know why I was shocked, except that all my thinking was so screwed up at the time. The thought of him never being any part of my life....ever again....not even as a friend?

Listen, you don't want to be her gay friend. That is what she might as well be saying.....she could replace you with a gay BF, or a woman friend as far as that goes. I mean, she certainly isn't implying wanting to have sex with you, right? Bet there wasn't a sexual thought in that hug she gave you. That is b/c she is not feeling sexually attracted to you right now. You have basically told her she can have her D without a fight (to save money) and she'll still have you for a friend. That is why she felt so much relief and started crying. She didn't have to worry about any pressure from any direction. To a W who isn't wanting to have sex with her H any longer.....that is a pretty good looking deal, what to do? Can't undo the talk, that's for sure, so I would advoid any future talk of D as much as possible, but she will finally pin you down about it. So you need to be prepared with an answer.

But here's what I'm thinking, a woman needs to first respect her H and then she has to admire him and be drawn to him sexually. If she doesn't feel sexually attracted to him....might as well pack it up. Let's just get real for a minute.....when the attraction is gone--the R is about shot (unless of course it is b/c of physcial problems...old age, etc.)but I'm talking about young, healthy couples. By the time physical problems, etc. has taken over the body....hopefully the couple has aged together and built a MR on a foundation that will be strong enough to carry over into this part of their life together. I remember asking my GM how old a man had to be when he stopped having sex with his W.....and my 82 year old GM's face blushed and she said she didn't know yet.

So what can you do to bring that about? You said you couldn't stand not being able to fix this....well then start fixing it by becoming a sexy, attractive, confident man that a woman would be crazy to leave. You did it once before. She wanted you the first time. Even if she files for a D and even goes to mediation......so did Mr. & Mrs. Puppy...and look at them now. D does not have to be the end. It does have a way of helping people drop the rope, however. Go into this with a new spirit...one where you can't be a loser. You will be a winner no matter what!
All through out this event she will be watching your attitude, persoanlity, manners, your personal appearance....and that wonderful cologne you are wearing that make it hard for her to stay focused. And not once have you seem to realy notice her. Oh you've smiled and spoke but you've had your head togehter with your lawyer but it taks her off b/c she doesn't seem to have any power over you. Why are you nottearing up? Why have't you come tried to talk her out of a last minute change of heart? Hummm.....interesting.

[Awoken]

Sandi:

Thanks again for reply; I've read it through many times over and it's really sinking in.

I did feel relieved after our D talk, but I was unsettled at the same time. I don't want to be her best friend and not her husband.
Almost everything she says to me now is lies, and I don't really think she wants me as a best friend anyway. I'll admit that even as she was hugging me, I felt a little manipulated.

This past week, I've become more well...disappointed or disgusted with the history of our M, including my role in it.
Its hard to admit, but there may have been more sad times than good over the past 16 years. Our sex life was fantastic during courtship, but after D was born, things changed dramatically. It's been a sex-starved M, with brief intervals that gave me hope. W has blamed the problems on her bipolar and the meds, but now says it was all me. I see now how this is directly connected with her emotional detachment over the years as well. I've been pursing her for so long. It's starting to feel like the past 16 years has been a big charade.

Maybe I can be the be the sexy, confident man that first attracted her, but I still need to be that man for myself regardless of her reaction. I think that is what I've been trying to do, but I've been bouncing back and forth between hostile detachment, and being her friend. It's been tough since there has been a need for some interaction that I would rather avoid all together.

Tomorrow she wants to meet to go over our finances. Bills are due, and I separated my bank accounts so we need to work something out. I'm thinking maybe I should tell her to just do it via email, except I would like to see the bills myself and not just take her word.

[Awoken]

sigh, D17 is really taking her breakup with her BF hard. She demanded that mom take her over to BF's house to drop off a bag of his stuff. Mom asked if I could do it, and D17 soundly rejected the idea of me being involved. This and a lot of other little things make it clear that D17 is angry with me somehow over her breakup.

It's an understandable reaction on her part, but it's really to the blame in her eyes, and realize that she's closing herself off to me. All I can do is continue to be here for her.

I just want to scream now; gonna go outside and take a long walk.

[Awoken]

So my fears about my W's family seem to be confirmed. Small holiday cards and tokens have started arriving at the house. Each one carefully addressed to "The Awoken Family" but to "W, D17, and S13". I certainly understand them siding with my W, but since we haven't separated, are living in the same house, have not filed for D, and have NOT told the kids anything specific yet, it just seems cruel. In contrast, my mother carefully invited my W over for Christmas with me and the kids. I wonder if I'm being irrational about this? I admit, I'm pretty hurt that her entire family has completely dropped me. The worst I've done is been a poor SIL. Still, I think the different stuff could have been sent in a way that was more sensitive at least to my children.

I'm want to avoid any D talk, but it is likely time to sit down and tell the kids something. I'm mostly worried about S13. Just 2-3 weeks ago he was upset because both W and I couldn't go to Seattle together. I suspect he really knows what's going on anyway.

[Sister]

(((Awoken)))
I'm thinking about you today and praying for you.

I just wish you could find a way to be hopeful and let go of the outcome. That seems to be a big key to getting through this. It may feel awful right now, but better days are ahead...one way or another.

Oh yeah - this post was referenced in another thread and I thought it might be helpful to you regarding your wedding ring.
Action Speaks Much Louder Than Words

[sandi2]

Your D may be mad at "all men" b/c of her break-up with BF. Some girls do that b/c they don't know how to handle their emotions. Or.....your W may have told her how rotten you are to get D on her side. In time, your kids will know the truth, but in the meantime you must keep your dignity and don't cave to emotional things.

Tension is high in the household and this time of year makes it even worse. I know it hurts that your in-laws are being so obvious about excluding you in the cards, etc., but you are a man that can rise above that nonsense and show strength.

Don't you think that your W should be the one to tell the children what "she" is wanting to do? But, you need to be present and make sure they understand that is not what you want.....it is not a joint decision.