I think it would be a nice gesture to stop by...hug, card, small snack for her while she is visiting with her mom so she doesn't have to go to the snack bar...
I got an email from her on my birthday--something along the lines of "I haven't been in touch because I didn't want to take sides, but hope you have a happy birthday." That's all.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I think it would be a nice gesture to stop by...hug, card, small snack for her while she is visiting with her mom so she doesn't have to go to the snack bar...
that's sort of what I was thinking--brief visit, hug. in and out. her mom was often present at our family gatherings. there won't be tons of family around, which makes it a bit more comfortable.
last year, when other SIL's father passed away, I didn't go to the calling or the funeral (which xH did) because they were very direct about not wanting to hear from me, and I thought my presence would not be much of a comfort. it was also a bit "fresher" than this is.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
OK, so here's what happened. I decided that a brief visit was "the right thing to do." And since I've done a ton of hospital visits in my career, I trust myself to know when to leave (not always an obvious thing, as I learned the hard way).
I went to visit after work today. SIL wasn't there, but her sister was, and their dad; their mom was awake, seemed relatively comfortable but obviously not doing well. Mom recognized me before anyone else did, and I held her hand for a few moments, promised prayers from Clare and I, greeted her husband, and walked out with the sister who was headed to the restroom. My SIL had done the night shift, was at her daughter's here in town resting. I stayed about 8 minutes, tops; talked briefly with the sister about our daughters, and left. It was okay. Didnt make anyone uncomfortable, did the right thing, and got out. ICU isn't the place for a prolonged visit under almost any circumstances.
I didn't feel too terribly nauseated as I was headed up to the room; must be making some progress.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thanks. I would have had less self-respect if I hadn't gone to visit the lady. Some things must outweigh awkwardness.
I'm including something here from Alan Wolfelt, who is one of the current experts on grief work. No, this isn't a grief forum, but it is something that we deal with quite a bit, and hope to grow from. It's about being a companion rather than a "fixer" of other people's guilt and pain; it's one of the things I also based my pastoral ministry around.
1.Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect. 2.Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise. 3.Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about leading. 4.Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading. 5.Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. 6.Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with words. 7.Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head. 8.Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about directing those struggles. 9.Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain. 10.Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic. 11.Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.
So perhaps this is my bias in perspective, but since no one her is an expert--and yet we're all had far more expertise than we ever wanted in all of this--it seemed appropriate to share. Use it or not as you feel appropriate.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
You did the right thing, H'mama! And the text from Alan Wolfelt is right on the money. If only we all can take heed of such good advice.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
That's really good stuff, and made me think. I think us men, especially, are natural "fixers," being the Martians that we are. It's hard for us NOT to offer something specific, some "expertise," to a situation.
I have seen others post sometimes on the boards something like the following, and I think it's good from time-to-time:
"So-and-so, are you just looking to VENT, or are you wanting our specific advice? How can we help?" -- or similar. Or some posters will start some of their posts with "VENT" notation, sometimes coupled with a "not necessarily looking for advice." In fact, some posters' entire body of stuff on the forums is venting, and they've said that they specifically DON'T want advice -- just "support." (Poet comes to mind, but there are others).
I think this is all perfectly fine.
Even in conversing with you in the alt., I find there are times when I try to be Advisor, and times I try to be Companion. Some of us are better at one than at the other, and some of us have a hard time toggling back and forth between the two. Our signals can get crossed and we can clash, when someone is looking for the One, and they get the Other.
