Newcomer with a long story...

[Frosty Michael]

Haha! Very good point! Thanks for your feedback. I feel like I've gotten some pretty thick skin these past six months. Hopefully patience will keep paying off even if it's very slowly.

[Frosty Michael]

Okay,

Well two weeks of hardly any contact at all with W. Today she finally decides to innitiate a polite conversational Email wishing me a safe enjoyable trip to L.A., telling me she'll check in on our cat while I'm gone, relating a strange dream she had, and telling me again how sick she's been with a bad cold. She also says "call me if you want", which makes me feel like a game is being played. If she wants to talk can't she just call me?

This is much more friendly and inviting than her last Email. Wondering if that's my greenlight to be friendly and conversational back or if I should give her a quick polite "Thanks, I hope you feel better".

The whole concept of DBing is getting murky for me, because our M is NOT on the mend yet, OM is still in the picture I assume, but our interactions have become astronomically healthier. Don't know if I want to do a 180 when a 90 or 145 might make me more attractive to her. I'm just sitting on the Email for now.

[Frosty Michael]

I guess I'm feeling like friendly Email conversation is probably good as long as I'm rarely the innitiator of it, and I'm not doing any of the following:

-trying to make plans to get together
-pushing for more therapy together
-talking about the R
-talking about the M
-tolerating any mention of OM
-Expecting/fishing for another reply from her

In a lot of ways I'm feeling like things we did/discussed when we first became friends have started returning (talking about dreams we had, her showing an interest in my writing/listing to me read things I wrote).

If I reply later today addressing some of the things she mentioned in a friendly/humorous way but try to keep it short I think that'll be good.

[Frosty Michael]

Took a trip out to L.A. this weekend to check it out as a possible destination for a post divorce fresh start.

It's my last night out of town and I had a really good time, but I'm not really feeling ready to make a move or completely give up on my marriage.

I feel like I still have so much anger towards her, but she's also given me cause to think she sincerely doesn't know what she wants. I believe that she loves me, but I don't know if she'll be willing to recommit. But she doesn't either. So I think I'm definately going to keep DBing for another couple of months and then reevaluate. Maybe I'll do some more solo traveling in early 2010. Maybe other local opportunities will arise in the meantime as well.

Not going to tell W I'm lukewarm about the idea of moving though. I want to make sure she knows she has no hold on me whatsoever unless she can give me a serious committment. And I want her to know that divorce without trying to save our marriage will mean I withdraw 100% from her life.

[Frosty Michael]

Still very few developments. Journaling here instead of writing to or calling W.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I definately have started to feel very valuable and appreciated there, but I'm glad I'm leaving because I know banking is NOT what I want to do with my life and sitting still working 9-5 just doesn't make any sense right now if my W isn't ready to show any sign that we'll get back together and I have no financial responsibilities to anyone but myself.

One of our mutual friends will be coming into town for the holidays and I'm throwing a small party for her. I asked if she wanted me to invite my W, to which she said yes so I did include W on the email. W replied thanking me for the invitation and apologizing that she had not spoken to me in so long. Apparently one of her other friends is dealing with a tough family situation right now that she's been supportive of, which does account for not hearing from her this week.

Still I can't accept many excuses for her inattentiveness to our situation or me. Last time we physically spoke or saw each other in person (about three weeks ago!) she acted like we would make joint therapy something we could rotate into our lives. Not sure what happened to that idea????

I am silently counting these past three weeks of her disinterest and lack of communication against her, but will try to keep my interactions with her positive and optimistic and give her the impression I'm having a blast and have lots of great plans for the future (which I do).

[Frosty Michael]

Okay, minor update...

Last night had a bunch of good friends over for my birthday. Still after a month I've gotten nothing but these short sporatic Emails from wife. Haven't heard her voice or seen her since mid November. So I was curious if she would acknowledge my birthday.

Finally around 9:00 I get a text message: "Happy birthday. You're probably busy celebrating and I don't want to interrupt. But give me a call if you want to. I'll be home all night. I have gifts for you."

I was busy celebrating, so I did not give her a call. She's very hard to figure out. I still don't know if the dead air right now is good bad or nothing. Certainly that last little blip from her wasn't bad. I guess if I'm going to use DBing I should be waiting for her to contact me again. Just feel rude or weird when someone wishes me happy birthday and says they bought me gifts and I'm ignoring them.

[Frosty Michael]

I'm hitting a bit of a crossroads with 2010 and am finding myself flooded with many options on how to proceed with my life. I quit my job so that I have the option of moving to a new city, but I'm feeling unsure if I'm emotionally ready to completely turn my back on my marriage yet. So I've made this outline for myself. I'm going to take it to my therapist this week and think about it...

2010 OPTIONS:

I. Get a Divorce:

PROS: Will no longer have to deal with or worry about W. Will be able to date others free of guilt. Can move to an exciting new place.

CONS: Will be very painful and expensive. Could be rushing a huge decision. Likely would end all possibility of a future with W. A drastic solution to what may yet be a temporary situation. IF you divorce and later reconcile it will have been big hassle and a questionable expense.

THEN WHAT?

A. Move to New York,

1. PROS: Exciting. Have a good friend there who will help you meet new people. Close to the world of publishing. Very exciting and adventurous. Wonderful public transportation. LOTS to do all the time! Will get lots of exercise as a pedestrian.

2. CONS: Expensive. Far from loved ones. Nasty Weather. Public transportation has limitations. Cannot just get up and go. A hassle to permanently move, would have to be extremely invested in staying there for years.

B. Move to L.A.

1. PROS: Two friends there (not as close) can help you meet new people. Lots of people to collaborate with for film projects. Beautiful weather. More possible to “try it out” without a permanent move.

2. CONS: Bad traffic. Spread out. Known bad job market. Would need a car. Also Expensive plus gas and car expenses.

C. Stay in Chicago (see possibilities below). Look for a new job in Chicago and date new people.

1. PROS: Chicago is a great city. Everyone you love will still be here. Lots of new people to meet right here.

2. CONS: Too close to the pain of the divorce. Less adventurous.

II. Don’t Get a Divorce:

PROS: Still love W very much and would prefer not to divorce her. My first choice would be to continue my marriage IF my W offered me that. Buys more time to decide, and allow W to possibly reconsider our marriage. Ball stays in her court. May not yet be emotionally ready to abandon the situation so completely. Would certainly stay close to Chicago so family and friends would remain a strong presence. Can still travel and explore freely as long as I am careful about expenses. Time could reveal more clarity and better options. Healing from infidelity is a long delicate “zig zag” process, and W may yet continue to show signs of progress.

CONS: No dating. W may be encouraged to think she has me “on hold” and enabled to keep living her life the way she has been. Staying still and being indecisive could mean burning through savings faster. Will eventually feel greater pressure to get a new job or move. If I stay still too long I may not financially be able to move. W may very well NEVER want to try and work things out.

THEN WHAT?

A. Live at parent's home. Store things at family friend's house.

1. PROS: A certain level of comfort of being at home. More financial support from parents for food, bills, lodging. Can stay with friends to escape pressure from parents.

2. CONS: Parents are more likely to pry and pressure me into decisions about career and divorce. Mother has already begun to do so. Limited Privacy. Cat could NOT live with me. Alcoholic father gets on my nerves, in spite of being a very well intentioed and wise man.

B. Live at Best Friend's house.

1. PROS: They have offered me the same deal as my parents (no rent or bills). Could have my own space and probably keep my couch, bed, TV, and have my own décor. Might feel homier. Friend and Wife are less likely to pressure me about divorce or job hunting. They are fun to be around. Would be “new” and “different”, and feel less “regressive” than living with parents again. A new community theater group is nearby. Cat COULD live with me. Can still travel often and have parents home be a second home. A writer to workshop with (friend's wife), and a buddy to have fun with (friend). They seem to WANT me to stay with them for now, but like me around and would be happy to have me watch the dog during the day and help with home projects. I could help them maintain and improve their home as a way to repay them and keep myself busy. Could be fun and exciting. Might still meet new people (Through theater?). I have lived with my friend as a roommate before and know we are mostly compatible as roommates (but this was before he was married.)

2. CONS: Thier privacy might be compromised (They are newlyweds). They have three cats and a dog, might be too many animals around. Guilt over not helping with their bills. I tend to drink a lot when I hang out with them, would have to be careful about forming bad habits. There could be other unforeseen incompatibilities with living there.

C. Stay in current apartment.

1. PROS: Easier. Wonderful mother in law across the hall. Close to therapy. Places to walk to. Convenience of the train to downtown. Complete and total privacy. Keep cat for sure.

2. CONS: W NEVER wants to live here again. It’s depressing. It’s FAR to expensive having quit my job. Too much isolation can become depressing.

OTHER FACTS TO CONSIDER:

-EVEN if W wants to reconcile it will be important to reintegrate yourself into her life very carefully. If you stay in Chicagoland to work on your relationship with her it will be important not to rush back into living together. You will still need a “Home Base”.

-It’s feasible to have multiple “homes” for a while and be nomadic.

-You can TRAVEL without MOVING.

-Staying in Chicagoland for now will be better for current film project, and will probably make writing more prolific.

-Moving is a BIG expense.

-You have almost $20,000.00 to your name. Without bills, rent, and reduced food expenses this will last a LONG time. Living in a new city unable to find a job, not as long.

-Make time your friend.

-Writing and trying to get published FULL TIME, might be just as adventurous as moving to a new city.

[mindfull]

Frosty Michael:

Wow! Way to go on organizing your thoughts! If only if were so easy to pick one way or the other, huh?

Depending on your decision re: divorce, MY vote is CA! I'm in your area, and this weather is for the birds!

A writer in the entertainment industry, huh? Nice! I'm jealous. I've always wanted to write. I continue to sell for a living in the biotech industry. It's good, too, but it's not nearly as creative!

Good luck w/your decisions. It appears you have done your homework!

[Frosty Michael]

Thanks, Mindfull. I found it very helpful to do that. It forced me to realize what sounded most positive to me for now.

DISCLAIMER- ABOUT TO VENT...

Unfortunately It's late at night and I'm finding myself sitting on a great big pile of anger. One of W's friends posted another photo album of W out on the town with OM on facebook for EVERYONE to see. That coupled with the EXTREME disinterest W has shown our relationship (even if you think of it as just a frienship) has got be boiling over right now. Purely to blow off steam I drafted this letter. I have no intention of sharing it with her...
_______________________
Dear W:

I have very patiently waited for six months to see what you have in you, what you have to offer my life, and what positive steps you are taking to heal your own life. I have felt tremendous love and respect for you for the past ten years and know that you have unlimited potential to be a good, honest, hard working, compassionate person in all areas of your life. Unfortunately you have stopped showing me any of these qualities. Through your actions and inactions you have suggested to me that you are disinterested in exploring your own potential for decency and emotional responsibility. Your cold, inconsiderate disregard for me, our history, our relationship, my life, my humanity, and the horrible pain and disrespect you have brought to me and my entire family astounds me. You have proved to be a vapid, self-centered, inconsiderate, childish brat over and over again. Not only do you not understand how to maintain and nurture adult friendships and relationships, but you seem to have no drive to figure it out and improve yourself. I hope that some day you learn that you are not the center of the universe and that leading your life as a selfish inconsiderate pleasure seeking child will leave you feeling incredibly unfulfilled and make you a miserable person for others to deal with.

I have worked tirelessly to wrestle with the issues that your selfishness and lust have inflicted me with. I feel that I have courageously overcome one of the greatest obstacles of my life, and I am proud of all the hard work that I have put into understanding what has happened. I know that some day I will use what I have learned from trying to save our relationship to build a truly wonderful meaningful one with someone else. I have held forgiveness, patience, and understanding for you that you have taken for granted. I have been violated in one of the worst ways a human being can be by both you and your empty sex-toy-man-child. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to move on from being a victim of this incredibly heinous crime, and I am proud to be emerging as a better person than I ever was before whether or not you will ever truly understand that. I have heard you speak of yourself as being “courageous” for being “open” about your lifestyle and “surviving” this transition. Whether or not you’ll agree, I know there is nothing courageous about violating other people. Nothing courageous about quitting and abandoning a loved one. And nothing courageous about demeaning yourself by associating with degenerates. Even people who have shotgun weddings have the decency to try it for a year before throwing thier hands up in the air and shrugging thier shoulders. It is so extremely sad that you married your best friend who you had a four year relationship with, and could not find it in you to make it past eight months. You’re better than that. Your family is better than that. Your actions are shameful to the intelligent, wonderful woman you have every right be. Your actions are shameful to the wonderful mother and grandparents who raised you. There are no excuses for being that shallow. For someone who is so vocal about her resentment about being abandoned by her father, you were awfully quick to imitate him.

I’m certain that you understand my bitterness towards our marriage and our relationship which you have abandoned without putting any sincere effort into saving or understanding. You have used me as an emotional crutch for years with no intention of returning the unconditional support I offered. You embarrassed and humiliated me in front of all my loved ones by proceeding with an incredibly expensive farce of a wedding. You callously ripped out my heart and smeared it on the ground by repeatedly flaunting your relationship in public, and sharing horrific details of your shameful and sickening lust for a dirty washed up old man. But I also want you to know that you have taken our friendship and treated it like a house plant that you put in a closet and deprived of water and sunlight for months. In order to be loved, respected, and appreciated, any relationship is give and take. When you do not return phone calls, show any compassion, concern or appreciation for people who care about you, you not only lose their respect and their love, but you also make them think very lowly of you as so many people, myself included, now do. You are a grown woman. It’s time to stop acting like a thirteen year old who thinks the world revolves around her. Absolutely everyone has issues. Everyone deals with grief. Not just you. Many people cope with them on a daily basis, have healthy happy relationships, and overcome them though hard emotional work and sincere reflection. It disgusts me that you hide behind issues of abandonment and loss to justify living irresponsibility. I am becoming truly convinced that all you do is go through the motions and wait for valuable insight and epiphanies to “happen”. They won’t. You could attend weekly therapy for the rest of your life and bitch about your childhood or the pressures of modern society, but as long as you keep living your life like an immature, inconsiderate brat you will never be happy.

It is with great pleasure that I end this relationship and move on to much better things to come. I am thrilled to close this chapter of my life and only regret that I have wasted a decade caring so deeply and selflessly about someone who had no reverence for the love I gave her. Only babies deserve unconditional love. Adults who expect it are emotional and social parasites. I take some small amount of pleasure that you have paired yourself off with someone much more shallow and childish than yourself. Perhaps some day that will motivate you to change.

With Scathing Hatred,


H
____________________________

I must repeat... I'm NOT SENDING this letter to my W. I refuse to become so vindicitve. But the fact that I was angry enough that that came out of me really makes me wonder why I would wait any longer for her??? I'm not sure what I'm doing here folks. I don't want to give up on my W as a human being but I guess my resentment has grown more than I realized. She really makes me want to vomit right now.

[Steve McQueen]

too much thinking and writing.

find yourself a female friend to take your mind off your wayward wife