My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[goldeylox]

((Mama)) I get it babe, I really do. We've talked about this. I'm meeting someone for coffee today from my former church, the one that ADORES my Hus and cannot believe he would EVER do anything remotely un-Godly. I will be polite, but a little cautious, too. She was formerly one of my dearest friends, for over 15 years.
I spent most of this year in bed. Wallowing. Angry that my friends abandoned me in my hour of need.
What I should have done was hang on to the two or three people who have the emotional intelligence to help me figure out what my new life should look like.
I did a good job of dumping the toxic people, but not a good job of surrounding myself with healthy ones. I just isolated. Hurt my Sis, the strongest girl I know, very badly in the process. Which sets up a pattern that is really, really hard to break. Fortunately, we have worked it out.

What's the goal, honey?

I know, our first choice would be that a bolt of lightning comes down and takes out your X and the new honey. Probably not going to happen.
I prayed that God would just take me to heaven today. Every morning, for months. Not too healthy. If you are having similar thoughts, I'm worried.
But if your goal is to find peace, reconciliation, and love...you're going to have to get the poison out of your system.
I'm in the alt for 'ya. Oh, and I have a new thread.
love, Goldey XoXoX

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Maybe it's just me, but where are you guys seeing the "poison" and the "wallowing?"

I'm not seeing it. I see sadness, and resentment, but at healthy levels considering what's happened to Hoozh and her family. Other than that, I mostly see a Mamabear, looking after her cub, and grieving when it's hurting.

Puppy

[karen43]

I agree with Puppy. I don't see it either. I think most of us have our angry/venting moments here; our WAS can sometimes be extremely frustrating! I do the same in some of my posts. I vent here, and I think this should be a safe place to do so and then go on in our daily lives where we can be more positive and supportive for our families.

Sometimes I see people posting here when someone gets angry and venting and seem to suggest something like just get over it, but I think anger is natural and good sometimes to let out in a healthy constructive way: here on the boards or exercising or whatever. We've most all of us here been through this and understand that we all have our good moments and our not-so-good moments. I understand ot's point, I think, that we don't want to wallow in anger, and agree with that, but I don't think that is the case for hoozh...

[goldeylox]

Puppy, Karen, Mama: I guess I could have written that last post better. Any wallowing or poison referred to my sitch, and mine alone. And I did spend most of the year wallowing, and poisoning myself.
Mama, when I read what you posted, it seemed that you were in the same place you were last December. I made an assumption that you were stuck, and that's my bad.
My apologies for not recognizing the venting for what it was.
love, Goldey

[figgeroni]

venting is a wonderful tool and one we all use, here or in real life or both...

My assuptions on grieving for something that we wished we had had instead of what we actual had I guess came from the posts where HM has suggested that her husband was narcissitic.

there is venting some healthy anger
but
i guess I don't feel anger coming from HM

I feel sadness and despair

like her post in asking what people's suggestions were for what she should do for thanksgiving

then no one responded right away

and her next post started with something like
I guess even here I am invisiable (I am paraphrasing here but you get the idea)

My feeling is that this isn't so much about the divorce per say anymore but more about a feeling of helplessness, like there is nothing she can do to feel better or to become visable or to matter

this is where I see the unhealthy bend

this is where I am worried

anger is good
sadness is even good
despair is not

forgive me if I am misguided here...it just seems like more than sadness at the turn of events but a general feeling of hopelessness...like an "i am just continuing on because I have a daughter but if I didn't I would curl up and die and when she isn't in the nearby vicinity I do sort of curl up and die and think about how invisible I am and how my life is not how I wanted it and how nothing good is in it..."

this is concerning to me and again...perhaps I am off base...that happens frequently too

I was merely trying to say that while a part of our life changes it does not die...it isn't the end just because that part ended...sometimes things end so that something better can begin but we won't be open to that if we are in constant mourning for what we lost

[BeingMe]

Wow! Lots of comments about of what H'mama feels. Well, let me put mine in, if I haven't already. I got the impression this last little while, that she was hit by a holiday where she would normally be a busy person, visiting family, etc. She felt lonely, because D went to XH. I don't feel despair, just sadness for what is lost, but starting to move past it. I think, also, still a little angry, but so was I 18 months into the cr@p, even now I get a little angry, 4 years on. Such waste. I would be particularly angry finding that he had been cheating throughout the M. H'mama could've left a long time ago and not wasted so much precious time on a man who didn't deserve her.

I grieved (and still do) for the M I had in the earlier years, and is gone now, even though I am still with my H. I bet H'mama feels the same to some degree.

I hope you're having a nice Sunday, H'mama.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Fig,

I understand what you're saying. I did see what you describe just recently, but I think that was cuz of the holidays. Maybe it's cuz I communicate more with Hoozh throughout the year (in alt) that I have seen more positives than wallowing coming from her.

Puppy

[figgeroni]

true enough Puppy...

I just came to express concern for what I thought was a dangerous place to be in....

as I have said,
I could be wrong

it just struck me as a scary place
and
one that is not necessary to be at

I hope your weekend is going well HM

[goldeylox]

Fig,

I understand what you're saying. I did see what you describe just recently, but I think that was cuz of the holidays. Maybe it's cuz I communicate more with Hoozh throughout the year (in alt) that I have seen more positives than wallowing coming from her.

Puppy

Goldey likes this.

[hoosiermama]

My plan was to write a bit more than this, but it's been busy and right now I need some fairly specific advice. My former SIL's mother is in the hospital and apparently dying; sounds as if they're declining aggressive treatment. xSIL drove in from out of town by herself to be here. My inclination is to stop up and visit briefly, offer my prayers, whatever. Of course, no discussion re:xH. Hospital visits I'm very good and comfortable with, used to do it for a living. Any thoughts?