I think that's a huge thing I've come to realize. Who you surround yourself with can make you a different person, for the better or worse. It's a shame your X hasn't realized that yet, if she ever will.
I always wonder if they see us doing the opposite of them, and the peace we have, well usually :), if that will help them to realize their mistakes. Not my problem, I know I shouldn't think like that...But I think you really have to work on insulating yourself from the crazy and mean in your X; I know how tough that can be!
I am so sorry to even had to face something like that, in the throws of a holiday tradition. She obviously is a cold-hearted Biotch to not even for one second consider the fact that having him there while this is going on may possibly be a cruel thing to do to you.
I have no respect for this woman at all. She is being so ruthless and mean spirited that it does worry me what your boys are overhearing from her...
You are a wonderful father nc, and I commend you on controling yourself at that moment, but I also wouldn't have blamed you if you had said something to her.
Being honest with your children is all you can do and that is what they need from at least one parent, and your that parent. They will in time see her for what she is...
Take care of yourself.
t
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I am certain that in xW's foggy mindset she thinks her circle of "friends" are good, admirable people. They support her and enable her, so they have to be such wonderful people, in her view. Why else would she gravitate towards them?
Is it rational? Is it sound thinking? No, it's a form of narcissism and self-delusion.
but I also wouldn't have blamed you if you had said something to her.
Oh, it did indeed come to mind in the spur of the moment to say something. Several things. But I have, I think, finally figured out that saying something then, and causing a scene, would give xW exactly the very drama she seeks. So that more than anything stayed my words.
I had a very difficult, trying day yesterday (Tuesday). It began with S8 having another one of his feet-dragging episodes, where he allows every little thing to distract him -- and by extension his little brother as well -- into being perpetually late.
Many of you can relate.
Fortunately, S8 has gotten a lot better in the last few months, but not entirely. Yesterday, however, was one of the worst -- I won't go into the details, but we ended up more than 45 minutes late -- and S8 missed the bus. xW was calling and leaving voicemails. When we finally got to the xMIL's place to drop off S5, xW was there waiting.
I was going to make S8 walk from there to his school (a little less than a mile), so as to make him finally face the natural consequences of his poor decisions. But xW and the xMIL both objected to that. I had to quickly relent when xMIL started to take S8 to school herself. I drove S8 to his school -- but when I got there I, I stopped at the edge of the school grounds and had S8 walk in from there (I gave him a warning that if there was ever a next time he would he would be walking a lot further.)
Then that afternoon, when it came time to pick both of my S's from the xMIL's place after school, xW was again there spending time with them. xW has frequently taken advantage of having her mother as the daycare provider to get in extra time with our S's during my weeks. I wouldn't mind this so much except that it often causes major disruptions to S8's and S4's routine and their expectations. This time, the minute I came to the door, S5 immediately began to beg/demand that he get to stay with his mother that night. xW feigned this surprised look and said that it was up to his daddy (me) to decide whether or not he could stay or not. So having worked on S5 and having succeeded in coercing him to spend one of my nights with her, xW wanted me to play the bad guy in denying S5's plea.
Usually, I have acquiesced when S5 made such pleas, but for once I put my foot down. The schedule is the schedule, and the children do not get to make the decisions about custody. That cuts both ways. So, I said no.
S5 had a complete meltdown, but again I decided to hold my ground -- to be the parent. Despite his fitful tantrum, I gathered up S5 and loaded him in my car.
As I fully expected, I soon received a biting email from xW about how I was treating our S's. First, she said she hoped I had (better) watched over S8's walk to his school building -- which I had. But I didn't need her to tell me to do that. (In fact, what none of them realized, is that if I had gotten my way in making S8 walk the entire distance from MIL to his school, I would have covertly tailed him the entire way in my car just to make sure he got there safe and on time.) xW also said that she considers it my responsibility to get our kids up and to get to school on time.
Second, she had to comment about S5 and how five year olds "need their mommy".
I replied to her that coddling our S's might very well be the easier path to take, but also highly irresponsible. It is the direct responsibility of a school-age child to get up in the morning and to get themselves ready for school, not the parent (except indirectly). Children need the guidance of their parents, not a human alarm clock and cattle-prod.
(Here, as elsewhere, I am taking my cues from the writings and advice of noted experts like Dr. James Dobson and Dr. Kevin Leman. In particular, I am instituting Reality Discipline in raising my S's.)
The ex's view is that my approach to handling our kids ranges from "negligent to abusive". She said, "You feel that loving your kids is coddling." And for that she says she now "regrets" agreeing to 50/50 shared custody.
The gist is that exW wants to baby both of our S's, and at the same time try to claim that as being more "loving". All the while insinuating her repeated claims that I lack empathy.
I disagree. I believe it takes a lot more effort to not coddle one's own children, but to have enough love for them to teach them discipline. This is not easy for me either. I do not like having my kids go through the pain of consequences, but for them to live and grow up healthy, it is far better they learn it now.
So I commented to xW that she continues to to exhibit an immature, selfish view of what constitutes love.
...
Today, however, was perfectly fine and in stark contrast to the day before. S8 had no serious problems being on time. And S5 did not try to ask to go be with his mother (thankfully, I beat her to her mother's this time.)
(((nc)))) Boy do I know those days. It is trying time, and im just dealing with S4 being extremly stubborn. I am guilty of coddling my boys, but my reason is exhaustion. I unfortunately do not have the full support of my H in handling my kids. He is either not here, or just leaves me to be the one who does the punishing, and the "taking care of their needs". He just plays wih them, and thats it, and if he does get involved with something that I am punishing him for, he doesn't back me up.
Your exw is damn lucky to have you to be that other person who can take on some of that burden. I wish I could be more stern with my kids, and sometimes I am, but its really hard when im always by myself.
You aren't doing anything wrong, you are trying to show them responsibility and it is FOR SURE harder to stick to your guns then to just "cave"...
Im glad today went better for you.
Your doing great nc... you know she will always take a stab at you whenever she can... that''s her hang up.
Take care.
t
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Oh, don't I know it! It is so hard and so exhausting to try to hold the line with your children. It takes up so much energy! And you want them to be happy and you really want to give into them, but you just can't. You just can't.
I am constantly questioning myself about when I should show them mercy or when that would cause more harm long term than good. For their sake, I don't want to be a mere marshmallow but I don't want to be an authoritarian either. I am still trying to find the right mix.
Right now I can't get either of them to stop fixating on toys, especially Legos. All I hear now that Christmas is so close is about all these Legos and games and stuff they want. I am trying to shift their focus off of all these material things, but it seems impossible, especially since xW uses that as her "currency" to get what she wants out of them. It's just ridiculous ... and very disheartening.
Uggh! Now, after the last two years of me being on the short end of the Christmas (and Thanksgiving) holiday stick, xW suddenly wants to renegotiate the parenting schedule since this year calls for her to be essentially out in the cold.
She's basically crying sour grapes over a situation that she and her L came up with. Now she doesn't want to be on the receiving end. She was even attempting to shame me into considering her alternative plan, saying how I decide on that will show just what kind of person I am. That just peeves the sh*t our of me.
But I'm just too freakin' nice. I just offered her a compromise, even though she deserves nothing, considering how heartless she was in '07 and '08.
I think sometimes our WAS are short-term thinkers, just thinking on how things will affect them today, but not the future. Last year when we were figuring out Christmas, I was supposed to have it, but I specifically told X that I wanted him to spend Christmas eve with the kids, thinking ahead to this year and knowing then I would have it this year! I don't think our WAS think like that: they just live in the moment maybe.
I think your compromise with S8 was a good one. You did allow him some logical consequences, and warned him they would be more next time. I think compromising with the holidays was a good one too, taking the high road and all that.
I think one thing is that both our WAS seem to think their way of parenting is the only preferred method, but I really think most kids do fine, as long as you're not too much on the extreme. You said what they taught in my discipline class in college (for education). You should strive to not be overly permissive or authoritarian, but somewhere in the middle of that. You should feel good about your parenting!
And your X loves to point fingers at you, but putting you in the middle with your S' and making you say no was not good parenting imo. She should have told your S5 no, it's your night to be with your dad. My D10 has activities with friends (like a chrismtas activity with her chorus friends today) but I told her, no it's your time with your dad, you need to spend time with your dad. And she knows that and is fine with that. I think that's def. an issue (on your long list) for the parenting coordinator that she needs to stop encouraging that behavior of S5. You did the right thing by sticking to the schedule, and your sons will respect you for that when they are older.
Karen, I thank you for the compliment. I really appreciate it.
I believe my xW, like so many of us, does not think that far ahead. Even though she likes to portray herself as this super-organized, put-together sort of person. The reality is that long term thinking for her is myopic because she is so focused on herself and not the big picture.
More to the point, she couldn't possibly be thinking about eternity, most especially, given her words and deeds.
I failed to mention some of the arguments xW tried to use on me when it came to me attempting to discipline S8 -- tactics you might especially take note of, Karen -- she played the Asperger's card on me, saying that S8 could not walk to school (like so many other of his schoolmates) because he's "Autistic".
When she said (wrote) that I was again taken back and wanted to respond to that point. But I let it pass because it was a cheeseless tunnel -- if she wants to continue to mischaracterize her own son with a blanket term that stereotypes him as a helpless invalid, when he most certainly is not, I don't know what I can really do to counteract that thinking. It makes me cringe, and it makes me feel so bad for S8 that his own mother sets his goals so low in her own mind.
Our son is taking exams this week to survey the possibility he might be gifted in one or more areas, especially math, and yet his mother seems to want to treat him like an incompetent infant. He hikes with me at least two or miles through the woods every other week, and yet he is too young to walk just once to his school about 8 tenths of a miles away.
It has had me thinking that all of these squabbles with xW over the care and raising of our S's would likely have led to our D anyway, even if she hadn't been unfaithful and cheated on me. But then I think at least half of the differences between us concerning our children stems from an unwillingness on her part to try to compromise or to respect my thoughts and feelings anymore -- and that in turn stems from her defiant unrepentance and chosen mindset as a home-wrecking adulterer and the subconscious guilt that is eating at her. Perhaps as a real, committed H & W we could have compromised more and been more satisfied with the results. IDK.
But maybe I am really just touching on a chicken and egg conundrum.
...
Well, I just got a response back from xW this morning. I gave her a couple of compromise counter-offers, and it looks like she's willing to go with one of them. This one would change the Christmas Eve custody exchange time from 6 PM to 9 PM, which is what I had wanted all along, but xW had originally objected. Now she sees the light -- only now.
