She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know you are down, but mothers are not just automatically handed over full custody of the children like they were years ago. . . .But I believe from what I read that most couples are having to share visitation 50-50.

Yep -- absolutely. In most jurisdictions, the judges start at 50/50, and then work in one direction or another, based on the evidence and the circumstances. And trust me, they have heard EVERY bullchit, batchit-crazy excuse and sob story out there!

Puppy

[Awoken]

I've been pretty depressed for the past few days, and I've been avoiding the forum here and anything to do with my sitch in general. I likely shouldn't post this as I'm feeling pretty pitiful now.

I was able to get monday afternoon free, so I did some research. I looked for fathers rights groups in my area and only found the "100 black men" group. I then went searching for attorneys.
I met with another attorney on tuesday morning, one that has a history with W's attorney and that favors father's rights. She is AV rated, and seems to have a great reputation. She was blunt with me, and said many of the same things my other attorney said.

She said that 50/50 custody in my county is granted when both parties can prove cooperation in parenting and are able to live reasonably close enough to each other. Since W and I are already having problems over some custody issues, she thought this didn't look too good. She recommended two choices: 1) let my wife have physical custody, but work for the best terms possible, or 2) fight it out, knowing I have a good case. She could not estimate the cost of fighting it out, but gave me some min. numbers. Gaurdian Ad Litem or Psycologist: 8k, 5k retainer, but expect it to go up to 25k. THEN, considering the reputation of W's lawyer, lots of delays and extra costs.

I'm back where I was before. I could possibly raise some of the money with personal loans/credit cards. But I'm considering D17's college needs in one more year.

W appears to have stopped her abusive drinking. I'll see what happens this weekend.

I'm starting to think that the best thing for my kids is going to require the hardest sacrifice from me, including less time with them. I simply don't know what to do. For now, I'll just keep trying to be the best dad I can, and try to work on me some more.

[ClingingToHope]

That is really, really tough. One thing to consider is that they are both teens and it won't be that long of an agreement. Small consolation. Second thing is W's drinking. If she can't handle things whose to say the situation won't change in a year.

[sandi2]

ClingingToHope has a point. I have also experienced that if I don't do battle with some things that it doesn't become what I had feared. In other words, if you do not fight your W, then she may decide that having to handle teenagers by herself is not what she "really" wanted at all. She may be more than happy for dad to have them more than she planned.

I think that so many people who want a D use the kids as a weapon to hurt the other S. So as hard as it may be in the beginning......if you were to act as if you were fine with things, then she may settle down after her steam runs out.

This may sound a lot different than how I suggested you talk to her the other night, but it is simply a different approach in how you have to deal with the reality of your situation with finances. If the children were a lot smaller, then you "might" think about taking out loans, etc, but after all is said & done.....I'll bet you get to see the kids a good deal of the time. It will be especially hard in the beginning, but a lot of that will be b/c of "everything" combined in the stitch that you're adjusting to.

You know, if you would drop the rope around her and move on with your life, there is always a possibility that she'll change her mind about a D.

[Awoken]

sandi, thanks.
I'm trying to calm down and get this together. this afternoon I started to make a yearly statement for my self-employed business. I had removed all the records from the computer. I saw a post today that mentioned removing all records from the house, and I remembered some hard copies. I looked for them and discovered that they are all gone. I checked the phone records, and W called a forensic accountant today. She's always done the books for my business, so I can only assume she is trying to build some bogus case against me.

Time and again, I'm missing things that I should be on top of. I've got to get smarter.

I'm pretty furious now, so I left the house to get some space for me. I want to figure out how to calm the sitch down. Does she realize how much this will cost, and what it will do to the kids?

I'll read some more about dropping the rope, but I don't see how I can drop it anymore than I already am. I have almost no contact with her at all, and as far as she knows I am just moving on. but maybe I'm not doing it well at all, and she knows it. I just don't know.

As I think about it, I think I've too hostile/confrontational instead of a calm strong man. Maybe she is offensive is a reaction to her perceiving that I'm attacking her? Again, I don't know.

It keeps running through my mind that I should talk to her about mediation or some compromise for the kids sake, point out that all the money we are about to spend could go to the kids needs. but I think this is the opposite of dropping the rope, but I've got the horrible need to do something. I'm resisting it by not being home right now. Someone should 2x4 me hard.

[Awoken]

I should also mention that I searched the guest room looking for the missing records, and found an empty wine bottle hidden in the closet and a corkscrew. I guess W hasn't completely quit drinking after all. At least she's hiding it from the kids too now.

[Awoken]

Well, i took some action last night. I hope it wasn't the completely wrong thing to do.

I was supposed to go to a xmas party but I was so upset/distraught that I just couldn't do it. I left the house early to avoid W, to avoid confronting her with my anger. Ran some errands, went to the book store, made the previous two posts her on DB. I was getting worse, so I went to the park, took a long walk, cried my head off, breathed, and then prayed for guidance.

After a while, I just decide to just let go of some of this stuff. I realize that I've been somehow trying to punish my W, and that shes lost and I'm gone have to be stronger for my family. If I continue the way I have, the sitch is going to spiral into an all out war, and I don't see that helping at all.
I got calmer than I've been in a long while.

So, I drive home and ask W if she'll talk with me for a few minutes and that I promise I'll be calm. She says, ok and we retreat away from the kids into the masterbedroom. I asked her if she was still %100 percent committed to a D, and she replied that she had'nt actually retained a lawyer yet. I then said that I had notice that all of my hardcopies schedules for my business were gone, and that I had checked up on the Lawyer she's been consulting. Based on the missing records, and the lawyers reputation, it looked to me like she was preparing for a very contentious divorce. I then said, I want you to know that I think a bitter divorce war will be terrible for all of us, especially the kids. It will cost a fortune for both of us, and there will far less money left over for the kids or either of us.
I then said, I don't want that kind of divorce and I'm willing to consider anything that is in the best interest of the kids.

She started crying and grabbed me for a long hug. She says she knows her L is a shark, but that they know she doesn't have much money and her parents aren't paying for the D, and she would like to consider a collaborative D.

She says that she crys every morning, and misses talking to me. I tell her I'm sorry she is in so much pain. I tell her I know I've been mean to her, while I've been trying to detach and that I've been doing my best. I told her I don't want a D, but at this point I'm willing to move on. We just have to figure out how.

She mentions several ideas shes had about how I can move out of the house, and matter of factly point out how each one of them will affect us both financially, without saying no to them. She says that she is seeing a financial planner next week to see about refinancing the house. I know this is'nt realy true, and the guy she is seeing is really the shark cpa. She also starts in about how she thinks it would easier for me if there actually was OM to blame this on. I remained calm, and just let it go. My goal is to get a non-contentious D.

We laid on the bed together for some more small talk, and then I went back downstairs for some time working on music with D13.

She decides to go out for a couple of hours.

Overall, I feel better about the direction. But I'm curious if any of you think I made a big mistake. Right now, it feels like a better direct than the contentious chaos of the last 6 weeks.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel just awful, but at least I'm calmer.

[ClingingToHope]

I was talking to my DB counselor about a conversation I had on Oct. 22 that initially I was proud of. It started out about the kids. I asked about an insurance thing. She said to check with my company because I'd be kicked off her insurance when the D becomes final mid-year. I asked her if she'd be filing soon and she said yes.

For the first time, I didn't collapse or plead or ask for another chance. We talked calmly about perhaps getting a collaborative divorce.

I felt strong.

Dottie, my DB counselor, told me it was not a smart thing to do.

If I don't want a D then I shouldn't bring it up and if W does find a way to bring up a D, I should focus on the issue at hand instead of discussing D and if she persists then find a way to get out of the conversation.

If you really don't want a D then don't bring it up. If she tries to bait you into a D discussion then find a reason to end the conversation.

Time is our only ally here. Use it to your advantage. Don't push the process along unless you want to be divorced.

Yes, remain calm and strong. But Dottie gave me the best advice I've received. It's a DB staple but I didn't embrace it. Act "as if." As in acting as if this is all going to work out in the end. It's just a phase.

Another thing, from an earlier post. Don't try to guilt her over the cost or the kids. That's just a form of control. That actually works in reverse. It pushes them away because they want to show you they can make it on their own.

Plus, what if it works and you remain together just for the sake of money or the kids. Is that really what you want? You'll be walking around on eggshells for another five years and then once they are both 18 what will you have then.

She's got to stay because she loves you and it may take time for her to realize that. Don't speed up the process unless you want to end it.

[Awoken]

CTH,

Thanks for a great reply. This is a new direction for me, and what you've said makes a lot of sense.

I used your advice today. No D talk, and I avoided it when W was leading towards it. I also get what you are saying about the money and the kids. I've added the "as if" to the little tip sheet I keep in my wallet.

Hopefully, I can actually start DOING the things I know I should be. I'm seem to feel calmer and able think clearer.

[Awoken]

Today things were different between me and W, and it does seems like our talk has led things in a different direction. Only time will tell.

We've had almost no real communication other than confrontations over the past 4 weeks. Today I left the house for a long walk in the park (it's cold!), and after a few hours W texted me to see if I was ok, and asked if I wanted to have dinner with the family and catch up on episodes of Glee (D17's favorite show). I waited a while before responding and said "thanks, I'm ok. I'd enjoy that".

I came home, and W sat down to talk about D17's progress in school, and her upcoming trip to Seattle. She broke down in tears and told me she was glad I talked to her yesterday and she really misses me "her friend". We had some dinner and watched several episodes of the show with the kids. Between episodes, W would break down into tears and give me long hugs (away from the kids). I managed to stay calm, and just told her I was sorry she was hurting. When she wanted to talk specifically about the R or D, I just excused myself politely.

When we retreated to our respective bedrooms, she gave me another long hug and said "I still love you ...... I'm just sorry it's not enough". That stung a lot, but I didn't react. I told her I love her too, and then said I was tired and needed to go to bed.

I wonder if this is better than the mostly NC I was doing before. I need to go back and read more about dropping the rope, and make sure I'm not pursuing.