My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

with all due respect, OT, how much do you know about my sitch?

I would never claim this has been more painful for me than for anyone else. it's excruciating for everyone; I probably have less of a support system than the average poster, but grief is grief and there's no comparing one betrayed LBS's pain to another's.

having said that, tho--I had two very painful betrayals going on simultaneously. as I mentioned, I lost my job just a couple of days before xh dropped the bomb. I was doing full-time ministry, but church politics are just as ugly as any other workplace politics, and I was sabotaged and rumor'd out of my position rather suddenly. Lest you tell me I'm in victim mode again, all I can say is that I refused to compromise my principles and thought my co-workers held to the same standards,but I was wrong and it cost me my position and my ability to be comfortable in that community. I didn't realize we were running a business disguised as a Catholic parish; I was naive. Should'a played hardball if I wanted to stay, but I didn't. So I was looking for a job while dealing with being left, as well as dealing with friends being fed lies and thinking awful things about me. I was grieving losing my husband and family, my friends, my community, my role as a wife and as a pastoral minister. I was in many ways stripped down to the bare essentials, and am trying really hard to put myself back together in a way that makes more sense.

xh was very atypical--he never glanced back once he left. there was no db'ing, except for my own benefit. I simply didn't exist for him any more. I found out in the first week that this was not xh's first affair--he claimed there were several over the years. Silly me--he traveled for work, and I assumed he was the same man I married and valued fidelity, but many of those weren't business trips as it turns out.

After 12 years of marriage and ministry, xh decided to change denominations so that he could be ordained. I supported that for him, altho he couldn't leave the Catholic church without continuing to bash everything it--and I--did. He was in the process of discernment for priesthood in the Episcopal church when he left (and continues moving toward priesthood, with full support of his pastor and ordination committee). A couple of months before the bomb, he changed hospital systems, having been recruited to one of the larger chaplaincy education programs in the country. We were comfortable financially for the first time; I had been the breadwinner--often the sole breadwinner--for the first half of our marriage. What I didn't realize is that he encountered an old girlfriend, who was a NICU nurse at one of his hospitals. He got himself assigned to that unit, became a fixture there, and in May came in on midnight shift to bless nurses' hands (a Nurses' Week tradition) and something shifted. A week or so later, she approached him, knowing he was married and had a child, and told him she was very interested in renewing their prior relationship but "didn't do affairs." Two days later he dropped the bomb and our marriage was over. He didn't admit to an affair--because, as he saw it, it wasn't because he left before they f*cked. In that first week I was convinced he had lost it, contacted a friend, his brother, and his pastor to talk with him and had no doubt that they would. However, they all declined--and I was stunned. He eventually talked with them all, and I have no idea what he said but it certainly wasn't that he ended our marriage to be with one of his nurses.

I didn't talk with any of his other family at the time, because it's an enmeshed Italian group with significant dysfunction--and when the brother I approached did a 180 within days, I didn't see much point in trying to talk to the others. As I said, I sent a sympathy note when my SIL's father died (xh did the fineral, btw)--no response. Also sent an email promising my prayers when BIL started treatment for chemo--got a terse "thanks." And I got an email from another SIL on my birthday--just a 2-liner, saying she hadn't wanted to contact me because she didn't want to take sides, but Happy Birthday. I just replied a brief "thanks, I miss you guys." period. I haven't actually spoken with or seen any of them. Sent Christmas cards, didn't receive any. Actually, to them, I probably have turned into a Martian; I have no idea what he's told them about why the marriage ended, for all I know he said it was what I wanted. Opening up space for relationship? Unlikely--If I got no Christmas cards, one-word replies to any other reaching out, that space just doesn't exist--they have to open a bit of space themselves. Aside from missing my nieces and nephews terribly, I've decided--as you suggest--that it's best to move away from trying to remain "family." Those relationships are dead, and yes--I do grieve them.

I was doing relatively well, actually--aside from loneliness--until xh began escalating his pressure on D13 to spend time and form relationships with the A partner and her family. She feels very uncomfortable--and yes, she figured out there was an affair probably before I did. She's upset that he seems to prioritize his relationships with them over her (and yes, her reasons for thinking so are valid, don't want to take up still more space here), feels left out, feels like she's a built-in babysitter and housecleaner for the woman. And she literally had anxiety attacks because she didn't want to spend time with xh and--what shall I call her? the woman-he-loves or something?--on Thanksgiving, especially didn't want to go to her family's home because there's a lot of tension between the mama and xh. It was very hard to watch her go through this, agonizing about what she could do to protect her boundaries, have panic attacks. It also triggered my grief to know that the woman-he-loves would be at the family table at Thanksgiving, spending time with the folks I called family for almost 20 years.

Yes, I will freely admit to pain, anger, bitterness--these are all part of grief. It isn't a pretty process. Nor is it a linear one. Just when we think we've gotten close to "acceptance" there's a trigger or two, and we move into one of those more inconvenient stages. Nor is it a good thing to stuff those feelings and tell myself I shouldn't be feeling them. I don't deny that, especially last week, I was deep into pain and anger and loss. I tell you what, tho--I wallowed while I was alone. When my daughter came back home and it was time to be mamabear again, that's just what I did. She debriefed about the holiday, we talked, I validated her feelings, did all that stuff.

No, I don't expect those who read my posts to deny my ugly feelings. I didn't ask for cheerleaders. I would hope, tho, that when someone swings as heavy a 2 x 4 as you have, that you would do so from a place of knowing my situation from the beginning, not just what you may have read last week. I don't ask for validation of my victimhood--but perhaps how others who have been mired in the pain climbed out. Especially I am interested in hearing how to help my daughter through this; I do not think it is emotionally healthy for her to have this relationship forced upon her when she knows the background, I don't think she should be forced to accept the woman her father left his family for and be her friend. Yes, chances are good and they'll marry. And she will have to deal with her. But she's being forced towards more intimacy with someone she sees as having contributed to devastating her world--and at 13, that's a very unhealthy expectation of her. That is my primary concern.

these things are hurting you more than you need to hurt.

please tell me--how much do I need to hurt? yes, the pain bled all over Thanksgiving--but I grieved it, then I pulled myself together for my daughter. What else would you have suggested I do with Thanksgiving?

I do appreciate your thoughtful responses, and I apologize for being defensive.

[oldtimer]

Well HM, you truly have me at a loss. I'm not sure what your history is meant to show me. I have no reason to doubt that you experience deep pain, that you've experienced deep betrayal. But, certainly I can respect your wishes that I not post to you without having read your entire history, which I surely will not do.

My last attempt to help, promise. Surely XH projects his life experience and feelings onto D13 and thus has unhealthy expectations with respect to how she should feel/behave. Don't forget that you might as well, unintentionally, even when you are best-intentioned.

Ciao.

[figgeroni]

Hoooooooooooooooosier...
I haven't posted to you in a long time but wanted to send you out a hug.

I think that what OT is trying to say is that is seems as though you are stuck somewhere...

you had a marriage that, you admitted, was very one-sided and you have stated that you feel as though he was always very selfisha nd narcissistic (sp?) and a job that had loved but with people who seem a might bit hypocritical

You have grieved very long for some things that perhaps weren't all they were cracked up to be.
I understand this
I did this too, as we all probably have done

the problem I see is that you seem to be grieving for something you wish you had had instead of what you actually had. In doing this you are downplaying anything good that might be coming your way

it's like an eeyore attitude...you know the "it's OK...my life sucks but don't worry about me...I'm making it through" kind of feeling that is being projected.

When youhave this, it stops you from noticing all the potential about the new stuff that has HAD to happen in your life

you aren't in the ministry profession anymore but you do have a job at the school...you can't compare the two because they are so different apples to oranges but just because you had apples for 20 years doesn't mean oranges aren't delicious...instead of mourning the apples indefinately, try enjoying the oranges...nope, they aren't apples that's for sure...they aren't crunchy with beautiful red outsides and crisp insides...oranges are softer and juicier and have some tang.

besides...every apple you ate in those 20 years wasn't a perfectly delectable honeycrisp or zeststar...some were mushy and you had to cut the rotten parts off...some were windfalls and some weren't even fit for eating and you had to throw them away...don't glamorize the apples. Some were delicious but all weren't and just because they were doesn't mean the oranges can't be

it does suck to see our kids have to deal with this stuff but a great way to help them is to let them know that life can be beautiful even if it is different.

When LSS left, he cleared out all our moneya nd left we with months of bills that I had thought were paid but weren't...thousands of dollars gone....I also lost my job and had 2 little boys that he even took the money from their piggy bank from!!!

We pull through
and
we can pull through with joy

there are hard and ugly and gross spots that stop us up but if we concentrate on lookingbehind us, mourning all we have lost, we miss the beauty ahead of us

it is a choice
a tough one
one that requires hard work and training

i used to keep a gratitude journal and those 1st days it was stuff like
didn't collapse for more than an hour
made it out of bed before noon
ate a meal

then it was
applied for 50 jobs today
prayed thanks instead of asking
slept the whole night

now my blessings are so apparent to me that I walk around in thanks everyday...

my life is not how I imagined it
my life is not how it was "supposed" to be with my ex

my life is so much more
more than I knew to imagine
more than I knew to dream

and
it isn't all roses
there are bumps
valleys
deep depths

but because I practiced finding joy...I can see the fact that even in those depths there are things to be grateful for

it is that that I hear in Oldtimers posts
that looking behind
that constant state of mourning
the poor me

you believe their emails were tense and curt...
you believe you chase people off
you post and are hurt that a response isn't forthcoming
it is the poor me, nobody likes me, there must be something wrong with me

there is NOTHING wrong with you
you are a person whose confidence and security was shattered
but
that is not all there is of you

there are many other things that you allow to be overshadowed
there is the woman who completely changed professions...scary...daunting...hugely stressful BUT YOU did it
there is the woman who raises a daughter singlehandedly...hard...tough BUT YOU do it
there is the woman who can make food appear from no money...magical...outstanding BUT YOU have done it

there is magic and grace and wonder and excitement and unlimited possibilities in you and for you but only in the forward looks, they are not kept in the backward glances

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sorry; I'm not seein' Eeyore at all (btw, LOVE Eeyore!)

I'm seeing more Piglet; a very small animal who's maybe just a little terrified of the jagulars in the trees because they always shout "Halllooooo!" . . . and when you look up . . . they drop on you.

Having kids (and their mothers) physically threaten you, and having to deal with head lice, kids bringing guns to school, giving out 300+ flu shots in one day with no help, etc. -- sorry, I'm not seeing even BAD "oranges" here, much less "delicious" ones. Yes, Hoozh's relationship with her daughter is a beautiful orange, despite the fact that her husband went scorched-earth on their orchard. But despite struggling in the other areas of her life, I've actually been amazed that HM has been able to remain so POSITIVE around her daughter??

No, I just think that sometimes "it is what it is." No rhyme, no reason -- it just IS. And we have to deal with that.

Puppy

[oldtimer]

Fig,

Lol, now you see! But remember how mean you used to think I was.... How's the wee thee????

[hoosiermama]

Wow, OT. I don't quite know how to respond to this. First, I apologize for apparently wasting your time with my history. What it was meant to show you was, ummmm, my history, about which you have made many inaccurate assumptions and subsequent judgements. I never said that you should read my entire history, but that you hit pretty hard for not knowing the facts of the situation; if you make such judgements based upon inaccurate assumptions you are more likely to cause damage--and certainly less likely to be helpful. So I was providing you with more complete information than you had been operating with--such as ex-in-law relationships, OW history. There are aspects to my situation that, according to some of the long-term board "experts" among us, are quite atypical. Sorry the information I provided was superfluous.

I'm not sure what you mean with your last sentence--do you see me projecting my life experience and feelings onto my daughter? If so, how? She is remarkably articulate and in touch with her feelings for someone her age--having grown up with parents who were doing pastoral work. And she's pretty direct in telling me how she feels. However, projection being an ineffective coping strategy sometimes manifesting during stress, I am open to seeing how I am doing so, in order to stop it.

I apologize for my Eeyore-like posts. I operate, generally, more like Kanga or Owl, but when I feel the uglier stages of grief--and yes, they do get triggered by holidays for most people--this is where I come to get the feelings out. I had considered it a safe place to do that. I feel now that expressing non-positive feelings here is unacceptable and subject to inaccurate analysis and judgement re: martyrdom, "poor me," and general over-self-absorption. For some people who are insistent upon their own "rightness," acceptance is conditional. But I'm going to close with one of the golden rules of working with the grieving: don't judge someone else's grief process.

[hoosiermama]

Just to clarify...it's not so much the ministry job I miss--although I did love the work. It's that most of my friends were at that parish, and I miss my friends. Some drifted away, but many seem to have been taken in by the "spin"
that surrounded my leaving. Yes, those who were real friends should know me better than that. But I miss my friends, I miss being part of that community. And when I'm feeling lonely or disconnected, I miss them more.

[oldtimer]

HM, I didn't feel at all as though you were wasting my time. There was no hostility in my post. I felt no anger toward you, no resentment for the length of your post. It seemed to me that your post was meant to convince me that you've been treated poorly and experienced great pain. Of that I have and had no doubt. I also understood that you felt I shouldn't post to you without reading your other threads. Apparently I misunderstood your message. But that seems to happen a lot between us.

For instance, I expressed quite clearly that I thought it was very healthy for you to share your feelings here. Yet you hear otherwise in my words. To me, these continuing mis-communications show that for whatever reason, we don't communicate well. And given you find my efforts painful and unhelpful, I feel it is best for me to stop them. The conversation just isn't resulting in productive dialog. It isn't working for you, so it isn't working for me.

My aim is only to help people. I don't care if you like me. But I don't want to cause anyone pain, especially to no useful end. That's all I seem to do for you. We aren't a good fit. It's OK. I don't take that to say anything poorly about you or me. It's just not working. So, I'll stop. Always a good strategy :-)

[figgeroni]

puppy...I love Eeyore too...he is my favorite and one the little poopsie loves too...

HM
I wasn't even implying for you not to express the anger and frustration and hurt you feel

I was merely suggesting that instead of focusing on that to try to add a different spin

and puppy
there are so many blessings to the job the HM has
I too worked in a school where there were guns and fights and pregnant 14 year olds and threats and drugs and a seemingly never ending pit of despair

i loved that job
because in ways small and large I KNEW I made a difference
I mattered

The school I work in now has kids from intact families
they eat supper together
and
I love it for many different reasons

but

that inner city
alternative school
with violence and pain and rawness
it had sharp beauty
it had daily triumphs
the blessings for me where easier to find I guess

I could see all I had...
all I could offer...

in great ugliness are some of the most beautiful oranges
you just need to be willing to dig a bit to find them

that's all I am suggesting
look for those oranges
reach out to things that you normally might not
be willing to dig through the mucky oranges

(I never thought you were wicked mean OT...sometimes the truth is hard to hear)

[bright_new_day]

the problem I see is that you seem to be grieving for something you wish you had had instead of what you actually had. In doing this you are downplaying anything good that might be coming your way

ding-ding-ding!! Fig has it! I think that is one of the biggest steps so many of us LBS's have had to take...realizing that what we are mourning may never have actually existed. We mourn what we dreamed about...the perfect marriage of our dreams. But so many of us were married to narcissistic "takers" and we never had that dream marriage, or anything even remotely close. And what the WAS spouse now has is not something we would want either. So where does that leave us? Hurt, but able to recover and live the lives we dream of!