Cutter, I know you are trying to be helpful, but there is a big difference between a Pathological Liar and someone who has developed a habit of lying to deal with some bad choices. My H was a very honest man before this A.
As for the rest of the advice, I am actually feeling quite angry right now. I need time to process this. I need to make the right choices for me in my sitch.
And, I am stressed. So, I am going to take a bit of time away and sort this out. thanks for all of your concern.
Hey rocked, you may not read this for some time, given you've gone for some alone time. That's great, and I do hope it helps clear your mind.
What are you angry about? The advice? Your H? the whole sitch?
We're all supportive of you here and it's understandable if the sitch gets to you ... hey you're human.
Having said that, please allow me to add that there's some pretty good (if blunt) advice in the last couple of pages. You're starting to make excuses for your H. "not a pathological liar but had to lie due to bad choices"? Far as I can see, he was (is?) a pathological liar as far as the A is concerned, and the A is not over.
You're letting impatience and the longing for your M to be ok, the need for your H, to cloud your mind now. Just my honest opinion.
Steve is right that if OW "is in control" the A is not over, rather your M is. Why should your H be even bothered if she should feel in control. Do you seriously believe that if she does not then harm will come to your family? He is having an A - you can throw the "but he is a nice guy generally and does not want her to be hurt" out the window.
And why is he hoping SHE would stop contact? That's a HUGE copout. Sorry, I just don't believe there is real remorse now even if the heavy-hitter posters do. H is either weak, choosing to be weak, or surrendering all responsibility for the ending of the A. Remorse HAS to come with making decisions and responsibility.
Really just my opinion again, but H seems to be changing the flavor, heck maybe even the whole cake, but cake eating still nonetheless.
Yes, you do have to be patient with H, but there is a difference between being patient and working through difficulties and allowing compromises that will come back to haunt you.
The non-disclosure of passwords is a yellow flag. It cold simply be that there are details he is really ashamed of and from which he wants to spare you. It could be he has a cache of old love emails which he is keeping, and which reflects the part of him that still can't let go of OW. It could be in keeping with this "OW should be the one to cut contact" BS where it is not his fault if she emails him, and he could go on wallowing in his angst whenever he feels like it. It could be all of the above and more.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts. It's hard but I think you still know you'll come out ok.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
RDW. I normally do not toss out the dictonary but here I go
A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. Pathological lying is often viewed as coping mechanism developed in early childhood and it is often associated with some other type of mental health disorder. A pathological liar is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way). Pathological liars have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. A pathological liar often comes across as being manipulative, cunning and self-centered.
Change childhood to affair.
RDW. If you need to take some anger out on me for being very frank please do so. We can dicuss this.
I know this is hard hon. I know it is. You're finally seeing SOMETHING and you want so badly for everything to be ok. Im not saying it wont be, but you really need to stop, take a step back, take a deep breath and look at whats going on with you as objectively as possible. EVERYONE here is rooting for you!
IF the OW goes nuts after he stops all contact, there is such a thing as a restraining order. You dont need a lawyer to file one and it takes about an hour. I have filed 2 in my time. If she violates it, then she goes to jail. Problem solved. You would be surprised how much damage control that little slip of paper can be. There is no reason for him to NOT stop all contact with her unless he is keeping her on the back-burner, or keeping you there.
Rocked, some people can be very "black and white" on here and most of them, are like this because they did the mistakes they are trying to protect you from. Having said that, and urging you to listen and think of what you have been advised to do, I want to tell you that your posts about pathological liars and lying to cover the affair IMO, are spot on and NOT your way to justify your H. In many books they say that the previous honest/honorable life is a sign that the spouse was under temporary insanity (brain chemicals etc) and not a liar out of habit. It's actually one of the things they urge you to determine in case you decide to reconcile.
My husband has been the most honest man I had met. His integrity was what I admired most in him. There were times I was mad at him for never being more "dimplomatic" at his job. He lied to me for 3 years for his A. That doesnt erase the years before the affair or his behaviour to his friends, colleages etc. IF we thought those men are pathological lairs why on earth would we want to reconcile with them? There is a problem there dont you think guys?
Since I found out about the A, I am pushing for boundaries and requests. I have read all posts by Steve, robx, FG, Coach and Puppy and agree with them 95%. I am not naive anymore and my feet are on the ground. I know that sometimes we need to be firmer than that we feel like. BUT, for example, and Puppy, please comment to me, my H told me he has no contact with her for over a month now, maybe 2, I asked him to send her an email, he said, it will look a bit awkward to send an email saying he wants no contact when they have no contact... Sounds acceptable to me (when I am on my good days-what a rollercoaster by the way)... What I am trying to say is, set your boundaries according to what YOU think is acceptable, what your sitch dictates and knowing (a little bit ) your husband.
Just make sure you are not acting out of fear that you will push him away. It doenst work this way. Do what will make YOU feel comfortable and ask all the reassurances that are enough for YOU. K
BUT, for example, and Puppy, please comment to me, my H told me he has no contact with her for over a month now, maybe 2, I asked him to send her an email, he said, it will look a bit awkward to send an email saying he wants no contact when they have no contact... Sounds acceptable to me . . .
My wife said the same thing, and fought me for over a MONTH about sending her no-contact letter. I never wavered, and eventually she sent it.
I cared more about efficacy than I did about awkwardness. It's imperative for the filandering OM/OW to not misinterpret your silence as some temporary "cooling off" period, that you are DEAD SERIOUS that the two of you (wayward spouse and OM/OW) are never, EVER to contact each other, ever again.
I just can't handle this right now. I just can't. My S18 was in a minor car accident (he's ok but car totaled and trying to find him a new one, which we can't afford), my mom is having health issues which might be cancer and finances are so strained that I don't know how we are going to have Christmas.
So.... I just can NOT do this right now. Judge me all you want, 2x4 me all you want.... but I can't. I just can't take the pressure. I just can't. I am having a very hard time coping day to day. I need time. I need to do things my way in my time and I can't take the pressure.
When coming on these boards gives me an anxiety attack and causes an emotional melt down for me, I don't think that is helpful.
) your husband.