I keep reflecting on the experience I had yesterday afternoon while picking up my kids, taking custody of them from xW. They were all over at her mother's place, so I had to pick the boys up there --this was because xW and the ex-MIL were starting their annual Christmas cookie baking. This has been their tradition for quite a number of years now, making trainloads of various cookie recipes to send to friends and family -- except, since the bomb I have been left out in the cold. But that's to be expected, or rather, something I have come to expect given the sour nature in which xW has decided to view me.
So when I knocked on the door to get my kids, I was prepared to be assailed with the smell of baking cookies and to see the various card tables set out with racks and racks of their product. What I didn't expect was to see the OM right there among them. He was acting in a servile manner, helping to watch my kids and to lend a hand to xW and the ex-MIL is an obsequious fashion. So effiing "whipped", he is!
xW opened the door and called to my S's to get their shoes on and to gather their things to go with me. And then, in passing and in a weak, muttering voice, xW added to me, "Oh, and NCB, this is OM. OM this is NCB." And it dawned on me that she was finally, after nearly twelve years, introducing me to this person she has been dealing with at work and now sleeping with. My immediate thought was why now?
OM looked very sheepish, said a weak "hi" and then tried to stay out of view of the doorway (freakin' coward!), as I was not entering the abode under these circumstances.
I tried to act calm and nonchalant, but I quickly loaded my car with our S's belongings on a couple of trips and then hurried my two out the door. xW followed us outside, to see us off, and I just could not make eye contact with her. After all this time trying to get to the point that I am indifferent to her, I was reeling with the thought that I had been totally replaced in my own family, seeing this OP there with them all, getting ready for the holidays. I felt again the pain of betrayal and being relegated to obscurity, like the fledgling who's been kicked out of his own nest by the cuckoo. At the same time I felt this intense disgust for this person who had supposedly at one time been my W, and contempt for this worm of a person she has chosen over me.
I can't seem to fathom what the H' has happened to cause this to happen to me, to us, to my family. Since then I keep periodically remembering yesterday and that recalling of these emotions that I had hoped were behind me. It doesn't help that I had just gone through a major holiday all alone because of this very situation -- which I thought I'd be able to tolerate, that is, until I run into scenes like this.
Side note: Some people grow impatient with betrayed spouses, not understanding the aversion these LBS's have with the OP. Yes, it is the wayward spouse who shoulders much of the real blame in these situations -- that is certainly true. But in no way does that absolve the OP of their own contribution to the crime that has been committed. Until one has actually experienced for themselves being on the receiving end of the sin of infidelity, they just won't truly understand the depth of that pain of betrayal we feel. Those who downplay or even belittle the sentiments of the betrayed just don't have a clue, not one stinkin' clue.
Lest anyone worry, I have had a great time with my S's this weekend again so far since then -- I just wish I could get that scene out of my head now! Uuugggh!
wow--I'm sorry that happened to you. no matter how far we think we've come, when we have to look the devil in the face it tends to shake us down to the core.
I can so relate to that awful sense of being replaced in my own family, feeling betrayed, being relegated to obscurity. it's a horrible feeling. In my case, it's my exH who's the servile, weak one; this blustering, selfish, larger-than-life man who did whatever he damn well pleased in our marriage no matter who it hurt, now takes great pleasure in mucking out horse stalls and rubbing his honey's feet after a hard day at work. What a worm he's become.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
So sorry to hear of that NC. I never drop off or pick up the kids at X's unless I'm 100% certain he (and OW) aren't there. We have a halfway point we meet at (a dollar store) where we drop off and pick up the kids. Prevents that kind of stuff. I'm sure I don't want to see OW, and he won't want to see me with a BF ever either. That introduction was weird, after 12 years, how strange!!!
You did take the high road. I'm not surprised. I don't know if I would have been able to.
I haven't been through that yet, it seems like it would be very difficult. How thoughtless she doesn't share some cookies for you and your boys also from what you were saying? How very unChristmas-like....
Hoozh, after trying to help you think positively and give you hope during your own holiday solitude, I allowed my own PMA to get torpedoed in an instant by this unexpected encounter. The sad thing is that as weaseling and wormy as the OM has been, I also have the prior correspondence from xW to OM that documents her own pathetic, co-dependent pursuit of him like some lost school girl. They're equally disgusting in that regard.
Saffie, I really, really appreciate your kind words. I think my reaction was not quite so heroic as you seem to make it out to be -- I just plodded along with my plan to gather my S's and take them with me, while trying my hardest to ignore the scene to which xW set up and had failed to tell me. She had emailed me earlier that day to inquire about the time of my arrival and had then told me where she and the boys would be by that time, even mentioning she and the MIL would be baking Christmas cookies at MIL's apartment, but at no time had she warned me that her (other) partner in crime would also be present. Needless to say, I did not appreciate the surprise.
And I agree, the only positive thing left from my M are my children.
Karen, in trying to save my M a year ago, I have allowed my now ex to set the precedence for how the kids are to be picked up and dropped off. That has been to my increasing chagrin. Had I a chance to do it all over again, things would be a lot different. As such, the evil MIL's apartment is now what XW considers "neutral ground" (Ha!) for picking up and dropping off the kids. Not only has MIL never been "neutral" (far from it) she had met and become quite chummy with the OM long before the bomb, within my own home even.
And it's not like I haven't seen OM at xW's place before this. I have shown up at the ex's place only to slowly discover that the OM was keeping back somewhere out of sight in her apartment. I tend to not enter any further than the foyer, especially since the divorce, so I can't tell you how many times I might have stopped by and OM might have been skulking in the shadows somewhere out of sight.
But this was the first time I encountered the fraktard over at MIL's place, and right in the midst of a major holiday activity for xW and MIL. The two women would undoubtedly have been pretty involved with their "operation", so it's not like it was going to offer him any real quality time with xW. And vice versa. I am certain xW had him there for the express purpose of thumbing her nose at me -- she knew exactly what she was doing.
Part of me wanted to smile at the obviously petty drama she was stooping to. The other part of me got angry and disgusted. I think she saw the look on my face as I immediately put on my "all-business" face, cut off the opportunity for chitchat, and speeded my sons out the door. That's when she made that half-hearted attempt to assuage the situation and tried to play the fumbling diplomat by offering that weak introduction to her accomplice.
What this little stunt also tells me is that xW has decided to become more and more brazen in flaunting her "boyfriend" before everyone, even me. She's effectively saying she's going to start including him in all of her events and activities. Whatever the consequences.
The cookie thing is water off my back. I got over her pettiness in that and have long ago come to expect no quarter from her on any account. Last December she sent the boys over for one of my weeks having packed each of them a small snack bag with some of her precious Christmas cookies, each labeled with their names on them -- the message was perfectly clear: the cookies she sent my way were for the boys alone and not for me. That was and is okay -- I want nothing from her anymore beyond what is my due.
She took her love away, she can take her eff'ing cookies away -- they're both just as meaningless to me now. What she cannot take from me are my S's.
I had another "conversation" with S8 this afternoon, driving back from church. Once again, he took a normal conversation between he, S5 and myself and veered it into an area we should have stayed away from. I took umbrage with S8 parroting xW about how OM has been a "long-time friend of our family" -- and I had to correct him. I told S8 that OM was a "stranger" to our family, that he might have been a "friend" to his mother, but he was never, ever a friend to our family -- I had never met him, and I am/was the head of the household. I went on further to tell S8, that OM was never and is not a friend to S8 or S5 either, as he has been an enemy to their family all along.
I also told S8 that he and his brother should never have been even introduced to OM or made to spend any time with him -- it is not proper for a single parent to introduce their children to their paramours until/unless they have set an engagement and plan to get married. Otherwise it is highly unfair to the children.
We had a bit of a conversation about this. Basically, I explained how damaging it could be to children of D should this love interest suddenly disappear, as often happens. I explained that allowing children like S8 and S5 to form attachments to someone who might very well disappear some day, because the adult R is dissolved, can cause much emotional duress and exacerbate their damaged trust in their parent.
S8 wants to believe that his mother would not do anything to actually harm he and his little brother -- which I concurred and confirmed, but I also added that her intention to not bring harm to them does not preclude her from making foolish mistakes anyway, thereby inadvertently causing them harm. I told them that their mother does indeed love them both with all her heart, but that does not in any way mean she's infallible.
Now some of folks think that breathing anything, so much as a word, to one's child that might undermine a child's trust in their parent is tantamount to the highest crime. This is a delicate matter, of course, but I will not lie to my children. And the experts I read tell me that being open and honest with your children, within discretionary bounds, matters far, far more than trying to protect the other parent's ego. I refuse to help xW spin her web of lies and deceit -- absolutely no good will come of that. And if I hear her brainwashing leeching through the words and deed of our S's, I will take measures to counteract her efforts. I will not drink her kool-aid and I will do what I can to prevent her from giving it to our S's.
(((((NC))))), I'm so sorry you had to experience this unpleasant meeting. I had to face the OW with H at the wedding of the son of some of our dear friends. My only consolation was that they were pretty much shunned at the reception. We have to live by the mantra, "What doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger."
You are doing well my friend and will continue to do so. Hang in there.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
NC, I had a similar conversation with my two at their therapist's request. Just a short conversation. My kids know I always tell them the truth, and I know at least S16 has told me he knows his dad has lied (about OW just being a friend). I think they do realize more than we realize also. I like to think they see our mistakes and learn from them. I know I've done that in my own life, or tried to.
Yoyo, I had that experience too. I realized later, last time at the theatre when D10 had her play this summer, I had tons of friends supporting me and hugging me after her play. One of my good friends said X just kind of cowered in the corner looking at his watch repeatedly and then ran out as soon as he could grab D. These were his friends too before the OW, but they've made it clear how they feel I think. Maybe good for them to realize how generally people feel about them apart from close friends and family that may be too scared or whatever to let them know how they feel.
NC, I just had read something like this recently, happy people don't try to make other people miserable, which it's clear your X works hard to do! I don't think happy people have to stage a performance or whatever to show how happy they are; they just are. You know I think the WAS have a lot of pressure on themselves, their own fault of course, but they break up the family and then they have to try to convince themselves it's worth it; they're happier or whatever, but I think a lot of our X's are just basically unhappy for whatever reason, and looking to an OP to fill that eventually isn't going to work.
If I didn't say it before, I'll say it now -- I am impressed with your nerves of steel in that situation. And it is absolutely fantastic and encouraging to hear that so many family and friends of yours are so supportive of M and against what your H has done -- although I'll state that you are most of the reason why they have decided to stand with you.
Karen, I don't doubt that xW is really miserable down deep in what's left of her soul. But she has psyched herself against ever recognizing that, much less admit it. I know full well she uses others, more specifically R's, to cover up the emptiness that is inside her.
I know you can never trust anything a WAS says to you, but if I take even part of what xW has said to me as fact, then I can read between the lines to see that she placed the full responsibility for her happiness in our M entirely on me. That is a foolish thing for anyone to do, to attempt to rely on another mortal person for one's happiness. And yet I don't doubt xW has now pinned her hopes on OM-- and I am convinced that he certainly cannot and will not live up to her unreasonable expectations. In fact, no one can; it's impossible.
I like hearing news of how the "good guys" sometimes win. You and Yoyo and others are so personable and endearing, it's no wonder your friends will rally around each of you.
The sad thing is that my xW has ordered her environment to only include enablers and other supporters of her indulgences. She only now only associates with people who will either embrace or turn a blind eye to her faults. I strongly doubt she would ever subject herself to the possibility of being treated as the lowly social outcast because of her behaviors -- those are venues she will avoid like the plague wherever she can. She absolutely blew off and rejected my brother's wife, for example, someone she had seemed to have a lot of camaraderie with, that is, until she got wind that my SIL was separating from my brother -- then and only then did she secretly contact my SIL to try to foment an alliance and to encourage her to seek a D as well. Two years of the hostile and cold shoulder towards my SIL until xW thought she could take advantage of the situation in my brother's family. (Sadly, my SIL, after having expressed deep hurt and resentment against my xW for how my ex has treated all of us, decided to then side with xW after reconnecting with her. This was in June and I haven't had more than a couple of words with SIL since then. My ex has succeeded in alienating even a member of my side of the family from me -- which is something she swore to me she would never do. But then xW broke her wedding vows, right? So her word is worthless anyway.)
Enough ranting though. I now have to piece my PMA back together and keep moving onward.
