Married-Living with Wife -sleeping in same bed on opposite sides Both of us are 55 years old been married 26 years Kids D23 just graduated college and is managing a Target store but living at home and S22 a graduate student away at college This has been going on since June 09 No OM that I know of. Parents are toxic Summary:Memorial day we had W sisters unveiling - she died of anorexia weighing 55lbs at age 52(last DEC 08) One week later W told me she was mad and wanted to discuss our fianaces. Found out that my 80 year old small family business has a lot of debt. I have been supporting our family for most of our married lives. W has a good job(nursery school special education teacher for past 6 years) and provides health care for family. W wants me to close business and find another job. I get part time job in July but continue to run business and make changes to save business and become profitable. Figure out that no matter what I do W is not committing to marriage. We have both been in IC and MC since July. MC has stated that wife is depressed. Last week wife admits she is depressed but refuses to do anything about depression. Had anniversary Oct 30 gave W present and she told me she wants a D or separation. This is NOT the first time she has said this but claims to have gone to a lawyer. She also has moved into a separate bedroom but moved back to our bedroom as long as I agreed to leave her alone.
Wife is going thru peri/meno (had partial hysterectomy 7 years ago so no periods) she has 7 or 8 symptoms of this including depression, hot flashes,hair thinning, high cholestrol, digestion problems and obviously no sex.
I am detached. We are not speaking at all! Also we are not around each other very much and she has NEVER called me or pursued me in our entire marriage.
I am here to learn as much as I can since this entire process hit me like a sledgehammer.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing not talking to her and letting her be.
Go to the resources, read them first, they'll help you decide if it's MLC or not.
1.Your wife will see you as a stalker, do not ask her anything and again do not go out of your way to contact or talk with her.
From there the others will chime in.
If she does talk to you, validate ("I understand") if it is a legitimate complaint.
If not ignore it, DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF, DO NOT ARGUE, duct tape your mouth and just be quiet, if you hear too much just walk away.
Jump in other peoples threads, there is a lot of good advice and again you are not alone, we're all trying to save ourselves,children and hopefully our marriages.
One of the best things you can do is live your best life and keep moving forward. Give her space she needs while loving from a distance. She is welcome in your life if she peeks in but your life doesn't stop without her. You are on the hard long journey that is not for the weak willed.
The physical issues your W are real, the hysto and meno. BTDT! It is frustrating and embarassing and plays havoc on your moods. Is she getting help or researching any help to treat the symptoms?
The holidays will probably be like no other you've ever had! Be calm and steady...
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I have been reading the resources. WOW! I think she is in stage 4, depression. I just went on Lexapro to try to combat the stress. It is possible she started taking my meds but I have only been doing this for 2 days so it is still early. Yesterday 1/2 of one of my pills was missing. So far she is still in denial about the depression but maybe we are nearing the end of that?
My question is, if she goes on AD's will she still have to play out the other stages of the MLC?
I would suggest that you keep your medication close to you. If she's taking your medication, that's not a good sign. She needs to see a medical profession and be prescribed her own to fit her needs, etc.
MLC isn't a half the job sort of thing. A person in the throes of mlc will need to go through the stages, face their demons, accept what they can and grow up. It can't be done half way. AD's will help temper some of the anxiety, etc. for the person suffering the crisis, but it will not make it all go away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One more thing watch your finances the mlcer will spend a lot and everything many will charge into debt and secretly with special credit cards watch you bank accounts carefully they will pull money out and hide it they become opposite from who you were M to peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Well she has always hid money around the house so this is nothing new. Actually since the bomb she started putting all her money in our joint account whereas before she was holding it back and hiding it. Maybe she was planning this for a while and already has enough money hidden.
My bigger problem right now is my two adult children don't know how to deal with the whole sich. My D23 is bipolar and I am afraid the neg vibes in the house are working against her mental health. My son was agreeing with me for awhile but more recently thinks I should appease my W. I had them both in the car on Turkey day and apologized for any involvement I had put them in. I told them that I would try not to discuss anything more with them. Almost like detaching from my children but only in respect to my W. I just worry about them and how this sich will affect their relationships in the future.
I know you are worried about your kids even with them grown. You are right not to involve them though. They know and will see enough. You don't need even the appearance of influencing them (for them, not your W).
Is you D23 on meds? Does she see a C? If she does let her work it out there. The reality is that even people that are bipolar have tough issues to deal with in their lives.
It will take time for you to not "read into" everything she says and does. Do work on it though. It really is crazy making.
The depression on it's own is bad enough, if she's taking your meds, that's really worrysome. I agree that you should keep them very close. Peri-menopause is no joke either. The mood swings alone have at times brought me to my knees. There is relief for her, but she has to bite the bullit and go see a Dr. I found that excruciatingly hard and I know I should have gone much sooner than I did.
You said you aren't around each other much, by design? If so, yours or hers? When you are in the same room, you could try commenting on a piece of news and keep it to light banter. I know how hard it is esp this early on. My H lived at home 15 months post bomb.
Yes and No. She sees a psychiatrist for her meds but no psychotherapy at this point.
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The depression on it's own is bad enough, if she's taking your meds
Looks like she only did this on thanksgiving day now she has stopped and slipping backwards again.
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You said you aren't around each other much, by design? If so, yours or hers?
Yes, I work two jobs, my own personal business and a part time job. This is keeping me out of the house. In my free time I am doing volunteer stuff and just trying to stay busy.
The last few days we have made some small talk but she seems very distant. She brightens up with my children or other people. So it is hard not to take this personally but at this point I am detached as much as possible and I at peace with whatever is going to happen.
