hm...sorry that you didn't get a response right away, but I am sure that many of us are dealing with our own holiday "stuff."
That being said, can you just copy and paste what you wrote in this post to your ex? It may not do any good, or it may open up some communication between your D and her father... assuming that she has tried to talk to him about it with him already and he has been too hasty to dismiss it....
Ultimately, at her age, she is old enough to make her choice. Let her know that. Tell her it goes both ways, too - there may be a time in the future when she chooses to spend time with him rather than you for some reason. As much as it hurts to watch, their relationship is ultimately their relationship, in the end. The best you can do is be her sounding board and get her outside help to deal with the anxiety (he might not hear it from you, but would most likely if approached by a counselor for his daughter...).
What a terrible position that WAS's put our children in...I often look at my kids and realize that I am the lucky one, having finally removed myself completely from his choices - they will always have him as a father, for better or worse.
Hi HM! Sorry over your sitch! Not sure what to say --- Donna got it right I think.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
hm I am sorry you feel invisible... I certainly know that feeling. I am sorry I have no useful advice, but I do think of you often, even when I am not checking the boards (which I do less and less lately).
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I'm going to take a slightly different tact. I pretty much agree with what everyone has said so far, however there's one thing everyone should keep in mind: given your D's age it would be best, for the both of you, if you let her manage her relationship with her father. She can and must begin to learn how to handle her relationship with her other parent and to not come to depend on you to step in for her. (It would be a little different if she were much younger.) Your D can certainly talk to you about such things and you can be her sounding board and source of support, but to preserve your own boundaries as well as to help your DD develop her own healthy boundaries, her father is her own responsibility now.
Having said that, I don't like your exH telling you what you can or cannot say to your D about his family -- that is a case of his own "offsides" infraction. Your R with your D is your own, not his, and you have every right and responsibility to help guide her, even if it is in areas where he is concerned. (The flip-side is also true, however, so keep that in mind.)
I also don't like the fact they expect her to automatically be responsible for her step-family's child. That is over the line and highly unfair to your DD.
I feel bad for her that she is being forced to have to spend time with a step-family that tends to ignore her and take advantage of her. That's just unfair. Her father is being an insensitive jerk and is digging a hole for himself with your D that he will have a hard time getting out of if he persists.
But again, all of these are issues your DD has to confront herself. She needs to talk to her father about these things. If he fails to listen, that will end up costing him over time in his R with his D.
Your role, HM, is to love and support your D through these things and to help guide her through such difficulties, but not to respond to that instinct all we parents have to come to their rescue and defend our child against their other parent. I know, 'cause that's my knee-jerk reaction too -- if it were me, I'd want to go punch some sense into my ex's head too. But the right thing to do is to counsel our children and help them to learn to manage their own R with that other parent, and refrain from getting directly involved. This will help your child learn to develop her own healthy boundaries.
thank you. I had come to the conclusion that I would probably do more harm than good by intervening. time may prove me wrong, but I have a sense that this is something D is going to have to do for herself. she's 13--but a rather young 13, a sheltered 13, and going through a really rough time socially, in school, and with her father. it's difficult to know I can't really intervene in any of these things for her, all I can do is listen and support.
today is harder than I anticipated. trying really hard to maintain an attitude of recognizing my blessings, but today they seem far overshadowed by an oppressive loneliness. tried to plan to volunteer serving or delivering meals today, but none of the places I called ever called me back--ironically contributing to my general sense of irrelevance and invisibility. I thought this year would be better than last, since it's the second round of holidays rather than the first. but I forgot--friends remember you thru the first several months because it's fresh. after that, not so much.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Hi HM! I checked to see if you were open for a chat on FB, but I guess you're not at your computer right now. Yeah, it is best to let D sort out her R with ex-IH (Idiot Husband). Painful to watch and I'm sure there'll be many tears, but you are the soft landing for her, I'm sure. This is the worst time for a girl to "lose" her dad. I remember another db'er from a couple of years ago, how her D13 went into depression, ended up not wanting to see her father (who seemed to favour the S6 of OW) --- so much pain, rage, hurt. Not fair on the children, and it irritates me when these WAS's say "they'll be okay - kids are resilient." Ugh!!!!!
Anyway, I hope this Thanksgiving is the start of something new that you can be thankful for. Don't know what, but there must be something out there that is just for you, because you are your own unique, brilliant, awesome YOU. God made you that way, and if others don't see it, then too bad for them.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
thanks, BeingMe. Been doing some stuff around the house, sorry I missed you.
Yes, exH seems to value his relationships with the "OW"'s (guess she's not exactly the "other woman" at this point) adult daughters and grandson much more than with D13. At least, that's how D feels, and has given me numerous valid reasons. The older daughter was 3 when they were together the first time, and he seems happy to have reconnected with her; the grandson, now ~1 1/2, and who D often feels forced to babysit, perhaps fills the place of the sons we lost in stillbirths. These are D's thoughts. And she feels very resentful of his insistence to "friend" them all on fb, call, text, go to movies, etc. To a certain extent she can refuse to do things, but being just 13, she has limited options if he forces the issues. It worries me considerably that this is all happening when she's 13, because of that potential for affecting her future relationships.
I'm afraid others don't see much "awesomeness" in me. This has been an extremely difficult day to get thru; no contact with anyone except a few friends from here. It's very painful to be this alone, and with no end in sight. It's one of those "one breath at a time" days.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Is it almost over? I've tried to stay busy, but nothing changes the fact that there's not one soul on the planet who cares enough to call or email (or text, or whatever) to see how I am or wish me well. My daughter has spent the day with exH and the woman who replaced me--he has his family, his daughter, his new family, his friends, the career I helped him build. And it seems I don't even exist any more except to myself. This is no way to live.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
You do most certainly exist for your daughter. Focusing on "them" and what they are doing is not very beneficial. Try to "see" what you want your life to look like and start taking the steps to make it a reality.
It all can seem so daunting I know, but you are the only one that can change the ways things are. Please know that you are important, that you do matter and that you are loved.
Happy Thanksgiving.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Please do not judge your own worth by those around you or not around you. Your value is immeasurable in and of itself. God loves you more than you or anyone else can fully comprehend.
I too am alone right now, but I know that God loves me and is always with me, even through the worst of times. He is with all of us at all times. I am grateful to him for my gift of life.
Here I am, most often the pessimist, one prone to bemoan my fate and cursing the transgressions of others against me. And yet I realize now that I am even thankful for all the pain and misery that has come into my life as they are nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what He endured for my sake. He loves us that much. For that I am in continual awe.
So I embrace my solitude now and wish well on all my loved ones so far away from me at this time. For I know He will be there beside me as I go through this, and I will endeavor to remember He is also there in the good times too - I must not lose sight of that lest I be ungrateful there too. For I know in the end this too shall pass away. It is but a heartbeat that will be gone before you know it, but one that will temper my soul for the coming eternity. For me, I say let His will be done.
HM, your D loves you wherever she is. Don't forget that. You are her mother and that is a very precious R. No one can take that away from you.
