K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

did your brother in law say anything about Detachment or DBing? Better take another poll and see where the wind is blowing to decide what to do...come on...last week it was filing...before that it was dating...before that it was standing...and that was in the past 3 weeks...maybe 4?
You cannot commit to a decision...it's as if you think this is a small idiosyncrasy, and I'm not bashing you; I"m telling you that you have some real stuff to work on before you can be an adult, let alone a man your w is going to want to be with... I remember many things you have said that were so striking to me, but you kind of passed them off as tiny asides....

And you have been very good to point out those times and things to me to get through to me. I guess I didn't really consider getting peoples opinions and advice as taking polls. But I guess in a sense it becomes that sometimes. My BIL did not say anything about detaching and boundaries other than financially setting myself apart to protect myself.

You said you have "always been depressed but for some of the time your m, and then you got depressed IN the m and started drinking and"... ya da ya da....none of that is being addressed so of course you think you need your w to be happy b/c you cannot recall ever being happy except part of the time with her. Don't you see, that THAT is not normal or healthy? And If your wife died, with your view of happiness only with her, you'd be sad and down the rest of your life. And if that is not true, then figure out why. Is it that her death would be easier for you b/c a divorce is more of a rejection? If so, then we're talking about ego and self esteem, not HER and how she's the ONLY ONE who can "make" you happy.. Work on that...please

Nothing I would say would be the right answer here. But, if something happened to her God forbid, I would at least feel comfortable with looking at dating again. Right now it is having to live with the ultimate betrayal. Call it what you will. Ego, self esteem, etc.

You said that you "don't know how to be a man" or to "man up" and that you preferred for your w to make all the choices in the home and finances and socially....see, to me, that's startling. Yeah, you actually said that. And To you, maybe it's nothing. But if you realized how that sounds to 90% of women, you'd have done something about it...I assume. And here's the thing that just occurred to me...
You don't really read and reflect on long posts or the many thoughtful ones here, MAYBE partly because you can barely keep up with the new posts...so maybe we need to back off and let you truly read the many things people have given to you with their time, thoughts, prayers, the experiences they've shared with you==many of which were deeply personal and painful...and often you never commented on them. You didn't seem to "get it" when someone made a point that others found blindingly obvious. Or maybe you had to process it more but then someone else posted and you never got back to it....or maybe we just didn't see much of any change...

I started out making all the financial decisions, but eventually my W did not like it and wanted to run it herself. I let her but told her do not bounce anything. Through time I grew to where I didn't want to know anymore as things were not going as well as I would have liked them to. This was a cop out on my part and I should have become more involved at that time. Instead I chose to just tell her to tell me if we were good or not financially. That was a weakness on my part that I will never make again.

Point is, you do get the number of posts here that 4 men might get, and still, even after a year, you cycle through the same old stuff every month. If you take some time off journalling here for advice on each conversation with your wife and thoughtfully read old posts, maybe you can read your own and realize that you repeat your words and behaviors quite a bit. Maybe you will have an insight and maybe it's lead you to action on your own. Look at the advice you do take in the big picture..if it requires little to no actual movement, you'll nearly always choose that route, and your second choice is to pursue. I now wonder if the more you get posts here, the less likely you are to carefully read what you have been given...and therefore so much wisdom from CG, Stuck, Strong, Ppenton and many many others...goes wasted. [/b]Why not try to back off a bit and take in what we have all said?

I agree.

How much time do you spend on THIS site? Maybe that's a problem too. Get out in the real world and do stuff NOT related to getting your wife back...
(Wasn't another complaint your w had too much time on the computer?)

Actually it was not a complaint of my W for me being on the computer. But I actually started complaining to her about being on the computer to much. Ironically this is when the OM started coming into the picture. I do spend to much time on this site. I guess in a way it is some form of me searching for hope at times.

This isn't a punishment; it's a suggestion to you..what if you let go of us and this site (and your w!) [i]for awhile and read what was written to you and by you all those months ago, and recently...and then read thru the stages and see how you recycle thru them...inching forward. REFLECT & PRAY...Face it all and maybe you'll find that it's time you take a leap forward

You may be right.

Kevin

[K4D]

I think this is a good opportunity to turn that request fantasy into some reality thinking.

Why would you WANT to sleep with your W when you darn well know she is sleeping with another man? I get the whole urge thing, but !ICK! Knowing that my exh was with another woman made my skin crawl towards him in that way.

Turn your thoughts around. Not to what you think you are missing. Think...ewwwwwww...you don't want her now anyway?

Make sense? I hope it came out right.

It makes sense and it did come out right.

Kevin

[K4D]

It is just about midnight here in Dallas. I am calling it a night. Thank you everyone for your support and help.

Kevin

[MrBond]

"lets be honest. Most people that claim they are happy with themselves and have "detached" and are able to move on, do so because they have created the thought and image of someone else in their life, thereby still putting their happiness in the hope of someone else. They detached from their current relationship/M only because of a happy thought of someone else filling in their needs that they can't get met in their M anymore. I see it way to often on this site by people claiming they have detached and are happy with themselves and it is really a fasad. They have just transferred their happiness to another person or the thought of another person."

Pardon my French but that has got to be the stupidest thing you've said so far. After ALLLL this time, you don't understand a thing about detachment. We DO NOT detach because we know there is someone out there to fulfill our needs other than our spouses. We do it because we are REALLY happy just being with ourselves. If we find someone, that's great, but you find out that you're happy just being with you.

I can't believe after all that everyone has been trying to tell you and teach you, you come up with an ignorant statement like that.

Sorry if this post seems harsh, but after reading that, I actually felt pissed. I actually felt sorry for everyone who has posted to you and you not hearing anything.

That statement alone deserves an apology to 25, CG and the others. Geez Kevin, where do you come up with stuff like that?! It's rude and insulting to those of us who have really detached.

[ppenton]

What stuck said, I'm happy and have no other person in mind....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm pretty sure that the very definition of "detachment" does NOT include becoming ATTACHED to someone else.

Square One.

Puppy

[Deep]

Well, I'd guess one of the benefits of detaching and "loving yourself" is that you do not need someone else to love you or complete you.

Keyword being need.

[Steve McQueen]

"lets be honest. Most people that claim they are happy with themselves and have "detached" and are able to move on, do so because they have created the thought and image of someone else in their life, thereby still putting their happiness in the hope of someone else. They detached from their current relationship/M only because of a happy thought of someone else filling in their needs that they can't get met in their M anymore. I see it way to often on this site by people claiming they have detached and are happy with themselves and it is really a fasad. They have just transferred their happiness to another person or the thought of another person."

And I have come to realize that this board must be sponsered by Vaseline Intensive Care Hand Lotion.

If it makes you happy being with and sharing with another person then be happy. Detachment is not necessarily the solution to having a productive, fruitful, and happy life.

[K4D]

You would not be the first person to be unable to detach or move on, without a replacement. Most WAS's have OP in their lives for this very reason; they're Not happily married and yet they don't choose to leave or file for divorce=== until they have OP...Though LBSers will say "the WAS should have filed for divorce first, and THEN dated, not cheated!!..." the reality is that the WASs don't often do that first, (without someone in mind at least). For many LBSers and moving on, it's the same.

In a sense, I said the same thing as 25. Only I classify the number as much higher than she does.

Didn't God himself say that it is not good for man to be alone? Isn't that why he created Eve? If our own creator said that, how could my statement be so ignorant? And I didn't say EVERYONE is like that, but I think more people are like that than are not.

Most people don't get left behind and think I will just be happy the rest of my life by myself. Most people look to the future with hope of someone else coming into their lives if they haven't already started bringing someone else into their life. Therefore, there is still a dependency on people for most people in some form of manner relationship wise.

I think I have heard most people on this site speak of someone else down the road if their current M does end. That is why I say they have not completely detached from the dependency of a relationship.

I won't apologize for that.

Stuck, you yourself have another woman in the wings that you have been spending time with should your current M ultimately fail. Ask yourself if you have truly detached because you are fine being alone the rest of your life, or if this other lady has helped in the process of you detaching from your W and giving you hope with someone else.

Kevin

[K4D]

Detachment is not necessarily the solution to having a productive, fruitful, and happy life.

I don't think it is the solution taken for most. Just my 2 cents.

Kevin