I talked with my lawyer at length late yesterday, and I'm feeling very discouraged.
My L and I poured over the details of the process in my particular county, and she thinks proving the BPD and alcoholism will be difficult and very costly. The retainer is 5k, but the cost of this could skyrocket to 6x-10x that amount. I don't have even close to this kind of money; w's family does. The soonest I could start the process would be middle of next week.
She also thinks I should go to the MC with wife next week, as resisting MC would damage my position.
Am I allowing my fear to dominate me by listening to L and MC counsel, or am I being prudent?
I can tell I'm not in a good condition to make choices, and I've got to start taking better care of myself. The timing is terrible. W left for Seattle today, and I've never felt so lonely. I'm gonna enjoy my time with the kids, and I've got to avoid burdening them with my sadness, put my game face on! I've got this awful feeling that this is the last thanksgiving in our home. I know that is exaggerated, but that's how it feels today.
I'm thinking I should take a break from the forums. However, one of the things I'm most thankful for this holiday is the participation of everyone here on the forum.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I don't know why proving alcoholism would be so tough; I tend to disagree. There are witnesses in both of your lives -- including your children -- that a court-appointed evaluator could easily determine. The BPD would take a psych evaluation, which is costly, but not THAT costly.
I'd encourage you to look up DCBHM on his thread (over on the Infidelity forum), as he is VERY sharp on the legal stuff, including the psych eval stuff.
I talked with my lawyer at length late yesterday, and I'm feeling very discouraged.
Interview several lawyers in the process of finding one. If this is your lawyer for business, contracts etc. ask him/her the question: if you were going through a divorce who would you hire to represent you.
My L and I poured over the details of the process in my particular county, and she thinks proving the BPD and alcoholism will be difficult and very costly. The retainer is 5k, but the cost of this could skyrocket to 6x-10x that amount.
Her prices are about spot on I think, but it concerns me that she is saying it will be difficult and costly to prove alcoholism and BPD. Your 17 year old is def. old enough to be a witness. She was on medication in the past for bpd isn't that right? Before you hand over a hefty fee to this L, maybe you should interview another L or 2 and see what they say about your case? This seems to me to be very critical in your case, and you have said also your W is abusive to your children when drinking didn't you?
RE: The MC go if your L advised you, but in my experience, and others I've seen here, they have to have both spouses willing to work on marriage counseling. If your W is not, then it will not be possible. I would not participate in divorce counseling if that's what they would like you to do, unless you are interested in D as well, and don't see how that could be used against you legally if you make that clear.
I don't know why proving alcoholism would be so tough; I tend to disagree. There are witnesses in both of your lives -- including your children -- that a court-appointed evaluator could easily determine. The BPD would take a psych evaluation, which is costly, but not THAT costly.
I'd encourage you to look up DCBHM on his thread (over on the Infidelity forum), as he is VERY sharp on the legal stuff, including the psych eval stuff.
Puppy
I read all of DCBHM's recent thread (43 pages), and skimmed his earlier threads too. Thanks again; I haven't really been looking in the other forums. His experience with the psyche eval sounds like what my L was trying to explain to me today; difficult to get W to comply, and costly due to delays. I guess no one with a history of bipolar or BPD wants to be evaluated. My W definitely has been resistant to going to therapy.
As to the alcoholism, the only people who have seen it are me and D17. W hides it pretty well from everyone else, and it doesn't appear to affect her life outside of the home. No DUI's, late to work only once.
Nonetheless, what I'm coming away with is that I need to shop for other lawyers and get other opinions. I am worried about the costs and what would happen if I ran out of money in the middle.
It's been a rough day. First day of my thanksgiving vacation; first day W is gone out of town. I planned on spending it with my kids, but both of them ended up making plans all day with their school friends which is important. I basically spent the day by myself. Late tonight, W called to talk to both kids. Before I could get out of the room, I heard S13 ask her hopefully if she "wanted to talk to dad?". Of course she told him no. My first taste of the future I suppose. I choked up and went upstairs. I didn't want to listen in anyway. I wish I could detach quicker!
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Her prices are about spot on I think, but it concerns me that she is saying it will be difficult and costly to prove alcoholism and BPD. Your 17 year old is def. old enough to be a witness. She was on medication in the past for bpd isn't that right? Before you hand over a hefty fee to this L, maybe you should interview another L or 2 and see what they say about your case? This seems to me to be very critical in your case, and you have said also your W is abusive to your children when drinking didn't you?
Yes, I think you are right and I should shop for lawyers. I got the nolo divorce book you recommended, and read through it. It had good recommendations about how to do this.
W is more negligent when drinking. I don't think of her as outright abusive, when compared to the stories I've been hearing at al-anon. Her mood swings have led her to some irrational attacks on the kids, which they have noticed over the years, but they don't happen when she is drinking. She drinks herself to sleep, while the kids are home, and has done it in front of them. During the past four weeks, post bomb, she's been drunk in front of them and started R talks in front of them. But that's never happened before.
Originally Posted By: karen43
RE: The MC go if your L advised you, but in my experience, and others I've seen here, they have to have both spouses willing to work on marriage counseling. If your W is not, then it will not be possible. I would not participate in divorce counseling if that's what they would like you to do, unless you are interested in D as well, and don't see how that could be used against you legally if you make that clear.
I guess I still don't know if I want to D. Somedays I think I can imagine a new happy life, and others I can't. You asked earlier about my GAL, and I posted what I've been doing. What do you think?
After I posted early today, I had decided to stay away from the forums for a little while and try to get my focus, but they day ended up being pretty bad for me so I'm back here again. It does seem to help me to talk about it here, and it keeps me from calling friends. It's unfortunate, but when I called two of my close longtime friends I found out they are both newly WAS. Something is going around.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Gosh, could this forum provide some free legal opinions? http://forum.freeadvice.com/ (I just googled "free law advice") Maybe Google free law advice and forum. I wonder if some people from AA would have more info about divorce proceedings and proving a spouse is drinking. Sorry not too helpful here....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hang in there man...sorry you are hurting. This just sucks that there is so much of this going on in marriages. Its disheartening.
thanks Luvless
disheartening is just the word; so many people here, newcomers everyday. It's good to know we aren't alone, and that so many people care, especially the veterans who must see the same stuff day after day.
you hang in there too.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Gosh, could this forum provide some free legal opinions? http://forum.freeadvice.com/ (I just googled "free law advice") Maybe Google free law advice and forum. I wonder if some people from AA would have more info about divorce proceedings and proving a spouse is drinking. Sorry not too helpful here....
Heh!
Actually, the thread that Puppy sent me to was really useful. Even though that DCBHM hasn't made all the way through the final trail yet, his detailed posts about the process and the problems with both lawyers is something I couldn't have gotten anywhere else.
And the NOLO Divorce book Karen recommended is great too.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
