K4D Rising #4

[Steve McQueen]

25,

I should have acknowledged what you wrote. I read it, and then I got back to work. Then later I came back on and had what I thought was a humorous thought and decided to try and be funny.

I should have taken the time to break down what you wrote and thoughtfully respond as all of your posts are very thoughtful, well written and full of excellent knowledge and advice. The same goes for CG's posts also.

I do apologize for that. I also admit that I get sidetracked easily when I break away from something and come back later. That is no excuse. I did read everything you wrote and I intend to do that.

Kevin

Divorce busting at its finest.

You got tested and you bowed down. Same behavior you exhibit with your wife.

Did you notice when you ignored 'them' and moved on, having fun, joking, they came back. You even got a @#$%^&*

But rather than continuing on, brushing off their behavior, and continue to have fun, you snapped back defensively then apologized and now they re gone. See a pattern here?

These ladies are good. "Obi-Van has trained you well, young Skywalker"

[gucci loafer]

So long as we don't try to taste our own giblets . .

I'm sure you heard about the two gay men out for a walk when they looked over into one of the yards they were passing and noticed a dog licking his giblets....

One of the gay men said... "Wow, I wish I could do that"

Well, go ahead said his partner, just make sure he doesn't bite you"

[Puppy Dog Tails]

LMAO!!!!!

[K4D]

Somehow the subject matter was blank and would not let me post without a topic. And I actually thought Detachment was what we were discussing, or trying to. So though it was accidental, now it seems oddly appropriate.

Understood.

So, do you want to be here in 5 years, (or 15) doing the same old swinging from sadness/to anger/to superficial-temporary detachment/to a backslide/to a long scriptural post/& then START ALL OVER crazy cyclical routine? God, I hope not. But I fear you will remain here, b/c...well, why wouldn't you?

Don't answer. Instead for now, why not re-read the old posts so many people have sent you that struck you as on point? THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THEM...those underlying issues that re-surface so often...

Ok.

K4, how long before you fix whatever prevented you from being happy in the first place? You've spent so much of your 35 years in an unhappy mode.

Who says I am not fixing it?

No one "makes us happy"...if others were truly responsible for how we feel and live, then your w could say "K did not "MAKE ME HAPPY" so I HAD TO LEAVE --no choice--b/c only OM can MAKE ME HAPPY"...

I think that you have to get to a point where you can be happy without someone because nobody knows what the future holds. However, in saying that, lets be honest. Most people that claim they are happy with themselves and have "detached" and are able to move on, do so because they have created the thought and image of someone else in their life, thereby still putting their happiness in the hope of someone else. They detached from their current relationship/M only because of a happy thought of someone else filling in their needs that they can't get met in their M anymore. I see it way to often on this site by people claiming they have detached and are happy with themselves and it is really a fasad. They have just transferred their happiness to another person or the thought of another person.

You get angry at the choices she has made...Yet you actually said you "can't be happy without her", but Free will goes both ways Kevin. You both are in charge of your choices & always have been. You choose to be stuck, whether by default--NOT choosing, or by second guessing yourself, or reversing course, or being paralyzed by fear of making the wrong move. So stop that.

Bad habit of mine.

Plus, to be fair to others who post for answers/guidance, perhaps you should take a step back and re-read where you were and whether you thought you'd still be here way back when. Read what we said 6, 9 and 11 months ago and what you said...(Maybe others will benefit by doing the same thing here or on their own threads. It's a good check now and then). So see how you feel after that. You might be moved to cry or yell or scream -but then maybe, just maybe you might....change and DETACH!!
j-

I might. Your point is valid.

Kevin

[K4D]

Thought this may help:

You need to understand in your body, soul and spirit, you
can make it. Regardless of all your problems that you are going through right now, God will take care of you. Believe it and thank the Lord daily that He is in complete control of your life! "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

Thank you ppenton. This is very true.

Kevin

[K4D]

IMO I think you really have to learn to set boundaries. You seem to equate boundaries with being a hard ass or being unkind or ugly. Boundaries are not about that. A few pages back there were some EXCELLENT posts about boundaries and why they are essential. I personally have not read the book(s) about boundaries that were suggested but why not give them a try?

I agree. I am going to.

I feel you base everything you do on not upsetting your W. When you finally started to set boundaries she did not like it. Why do you think that is? Because she realized she was no longer in total control of you. If you take a toy away from a 2 year old because they are not behaving do you just give it back because they throw a fit? No. You must follow through. And really, according to what you posted once you did start to set boundaries it seems your W started talking to you MORE about stuff other than kids/finances. Had you kept that boundary in tact which actually was HER desire you might have seen some further movement but you caved because she was showing you attention and now she is back in full control free to stomp on you when you are not useful to her and free to use you when she needs something (venting about her family for example).

I caved because she was getting defensive and angry and backing further away from me. I felt like I was pushing her further away which was the opposite of what I wanted to to. I am still in control of the situation with myself. She doesn't decide or determine anything for me.

And I do have to agree with 25, many of us make you long, personal and deep posts and you don't say a word about them, you don't engage in anything further and you usually just respond with "I ate pizza".

I get a lot posts to me. And I usually acknowledge them in some form of way, but I don't always think to or remember to. And what is wrong with pizza anyways? I have to have something to look forward to.

You just keep spinning and at some point you will need to plant your feet and do SOMETHING. Talk to your priest/C all you want but I highly urge you to remove your brother in law as one of your "counselors" as it seems he is keeping you spinning based on what HE thinks. HE is not living YOUR life.

My BIL doesn't have all the answers and neither does he claim to. He has said many times he doesn't know how he would handle being in my situation. He just tries to help where he thinks he might be able to. He has been married for 16 years to my sister and they have 7 kids. I think he knows something about marriage and families. And he has known my W for 12+ years.

Last night my H came here to drop something off that he could have easily put in the mail plus I had a bag of things for him that would have been too expensive to ship. I told him to text me when he arrived and I would meet him outside (boundary). I was nice and polite about it but I told him that is how the exchange of goods would take place. I met him outside, said a cheery hello, he asked how I was and I said GREAT and I gave him his stuff and he gave me mine. He said I looked good and I replied with a cheery THANKS and told him to have a nice night and waved goodbye. He stood there shuffling his feet trying to think of more to say. Sorry. No chit chat. The point of his stopping by was to exchange goods (boundary). I was polite, civil, kind but not going to stick around and get drawn into a chat about anything. He chose, I accepted and that is that. If that made him sad, mad, confused or whatever that is HIS issue. Not mine.

Does anything I did last night sound rude to you?

Nope. Not at all. Sounds like you have the boundaries thing down pat.

It is possible to set and execute boundaries with a smile, civility and kindness.

Yup, I am trying to learn how to implement that the right way.

Kevin

[K4D]

Divorce busting at its finest.

You got tested and you bowed down. Same behavior you exhibit with your wife.

Did you notice when you ignored 'them' and moved on, having fun, joking, they came back. You even got a @#$%^&*

But rather than continuing on, brushing off their behavior, and continue to have fun, you snapped back defensively then apologized and now they re gone. See a pattern here?

These ladies are good. "Obi-Van has trained you well, young Skywalker"

Yes, I see my pattern. But I was not ignoring them or what they had to say. I should have been more attentive and thoughtful and responded first before popping in what I considered to be humorous thoughts. I should have been more considerate which I know is an issue my W has had with me and others have pointed out. So I know it is something I have to be better at focusing on. But I wasn't trying to be rude. But I see how it came across now.

Kevin

[K4D]

Kevin - It would not hurt if you could paraphrase and validate what 25 and CG post so they dont feel like they are talking to a brick wall. When you do respond, it sure seems as if you are doing it from a defensive stand point.

Agreed. Not trying to be defensive. Guess it comes across that way sometimes.

Kevin

[K4D]

This is exactly what 25 was trying to point out - this is a pattern. You have LOTS of people sticking by you here and your pattern is to deflect when the subject of detachment and boundaries come up. The very subject of many of us feeling ignored by your response (or lack of them) has been brought up frequently. Another pattern, another apology and the cycle repeats.

From my end (and apparently I am not alone in my thinking) it does get frustrating.

I don't know how many people are sticking by me and how many people just get entertainment out of this. I have a select few that stick by me and those are the ones that post the truly helpful advice. The rest probably read for what not to do or for something to occupy their time with. I have heard to many people say that have to see what is going to happen next.

That is not a very good feeling. I agree my situation has been nothing short of "What the heck is going on now?", But for once I would like to be able to say what is going on now is positive movement and growth and the start of turning things back around for me and my family.

I am not deflecting at all from when boundaries come up. I understand the point of boundaries. How could I not? It has been so drilled into my head that I can't help but understand the point of them now. Understanding it and executing it properly are 2 different things. I don't execute as well what I understand.

Kevin

[K4D]

Did you even read my @#$%^&* post??!! You know, the part where you take a step back and READ what people write to you, and then think about it???

I spent a lot of time on that post, like so many others spending so much time on your "revolving but never evolving" situation....but you just spend a lot of time & energy to avoid....working on you...

j-

You have spent a ton of time posting to me with extremely great insight and wisdom. I can't believe the amount of time you have put into me. Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. You have gone above and beyond for me. I don't know how I could ever repay you other than just following through with everything you have told me and taught me.

I know I am appreciative of it more than you realize. But I am not very good about making sure I show it. I really have to work on being far more considerate of the time everyone takes to post to me and help me out. That has been made aware to me today. I thought about it on the drive home from work today and tonight. Maybe you don't see my responses all the time the way you should due to my own lack of unintentional consideration, but don't think they don't affect me. I mull them over in my head quite a bit. Believe me I am thinking about them when I am off doing other things. I bring them up to other people around me because they do get through to me.

Kevin