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#1841562 - 09/21/09 02:53 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Dia Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/09
Posts: 1259
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv


I cant' seem to back off without depression. It feels like giving up.


It's not giving up. It is:

1) Best for your mental health and stability. And,

2) A tactical flanking maneuver. wink

Have you ever seen in something like Judo where in order to throw an opponent, the person has to fall themselves? Removing the resistance leaves the other person with nothing to push against anymore.
_________________________
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137

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#1841566 - 09/21/09 02:59 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Coach Offline
Member

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 5299
Quote:
I cant' seem to back off without depression. It feels like giving up.


Why do you believe that?
_________________________
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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#1841614 - 09/21/09 03:49 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Stronger Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/09
Posts: 986
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Stronger
He does not say he wants out. He has admitted to not being 100% sure. What he says is, he "doesn't think the odds are in favor of us being able to work this out" and he wants "protection in case - like insurance." He has also said this is an option in place of D.


Does that sound like he wants in?????
_________________________
M-34/H-35/S-4
Bomb-11-08
OW confirmed 12-08-OW ends 6-09
D finalized 4-10
Stronger=Happy

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#1841689 - 09/21/09 05:15 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Stronger]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Friends,

You are all helping me turn around today thank you so much!

Dia - You are right about the judo. And the taking care of myself. Stronger also reminds me of this constantly.

I am going to start a sewing project tonight - just for me.

Stronger - Yes, it sounds like part of him wants in, just like most WASs, he is unsure and needing time to have changes proven. I talked with IC who has also seen us as a couple few times - we agreed he is not saying he wants out. He wants protection in case of divorce to say the separation ended when he moved out - for financial reasons. All other ramifications I will stop speculating about until I speak with my L - when and if H ever completes the paperwork. IC thinks H is on the fence, or else he would file D papers immediately and not put in a bunch of protective measures in my benefit, as he has.

Coach - good question. I realized in IC I'm scared of letting go of M status and security - as I live in an affluent neithborhood with a lot of "perfect" looking Ms around that I compare myself to. IC reminded me both of us were unhappy with the previous M, not just H. I need to get away from the catastrophic thoughts that say I'm a loser if I'm sep or D, that no way will we be able to work it out (he's not gone yet, and is promising MC). I just seem to fall into panic mode way too easily - IC got me back in my game on feeling centered, focused, and calm.

I feel guilty for breaking up our M (or at least my part in it)

Reality is: H is not gone yet.
If H wants to D me, I cannot control that, but he hasn't yet and is stipulating in sep agr. he won't file for D for one year or it's null.
This fact, plus the agreement for 5 months of MC will demonstrate to me if H is really willing to work on it, or if he's resigned to going forward to a D - I have at least that much time.
H is being fair even though quite cautious and financially protective of himself.
I need to give my DB and self-changing efforts more time and patience, hanging in while H's on the fence.
H shows up 3-4 nights per week at our house and doesn't avoid me - he's watching me.
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1841767 - 09/21/09 06:53 PM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
bump
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1841929 - 09/22/09 12:08 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
rebump
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1841947 - 09/22/09 01:11 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Butterfly1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 1836
Loc: California
Good night tonight -
S and I had dinner without H, so no yelling at the table. smile
H started in with his usualy irritation and walking away when talking around a schedule thing -but got him to talk it out calmly. Success.
Went to my new support group. Totally empowering. Came home feeling really calm and in touch with myself after days of being anxious and depressed. I didn't freak out that H was here. I just sat next to him on the couch and we looked at our computers and chatted. Pretty new. Felt good and normalish to be doing this again. A def baby step.
H threw out some rude comments and they just rolled off my back - for real. I just saw him as shooting his mouth off, didn't take him seriously. New, 180.
When H slipped in something about getting a bigger apt. I slipped and said "you could move back here" but didn't react when he said "no that won't happen". I just took his statements like blather and not like piercing barbs like I usually do. H was just not getting to me. FINALLY> AND I LET IT GO. Something I never do and irritates him to no end. 180.

He wanted "privacy" when talking to his brother on the phone - I would usually get paranoid he's talking about me but I don't even care. I am happy just doing my thing. First time in months.

Also, he got all uptight when I asked to see something on his computer he was talking to me about. Instead of this being an argument, like usual, I was aloof and light. Didn't matter to me what was on his computer, I was just following the conversation. He said it was "rude and invasive" I said "what are you hiding something?" and he said "nothing - I had already shut down." So I said, "exactly, so why are you freaking out" and he dsaid something about how I shouldn't say anything because of my past history of hiding things on my computer (long time issue - related to the fling I had once upon a time,etc). So I softened and lightly said, "oh, is that what it is? I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry because I didn't mean to invade your space." He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh, thanks,"

Real 180 here. I'm proud. (Even with his stupid talk of getting bigger apts...grrrrr) He just didn't trigger me - I felt whole and strong inside myself. IT's been a long time since I felt this way. Really good. And different from even this morning. Dare I say I felt ... DETACHED?!?!?!?! I did it, people!


Edited by Hope4Luv (09/22/09 01:16 AM)
_________________________
Me: 42
Him: 43

Two divorcees in a relationship

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#1841962 - 09/22/09 02:53 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
BigJohn Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/09
Posts: 444
Hope,

Sounds like a lot of positive things happened with you tonight. Be careful though about thinking you are detached. Detachment is a process that takes a long time. It's like a skill, such as a martial art. BTW, As a former Judo student from way back, I appreciated Dia's analogy. I have likened my personal evolution in my sitch to the type of discipline similar to that gained through the martial arts.

Hang in there, I think you are doing great.
_________________________
M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
_______________________________

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#1842047 - 09/22/09 09:16 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Mongoose27 Offline
New Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 24
Loc: San Jose, Ca 95118
I am brand new and this is my first reply or post. I really sympathize with you and believe me it being hard is an understatement. I know that life teaches us that it will get better but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like it will be different, of course, but not better. In my situation, I do not think my ex even cares about what happens to me or has any feelings for me anymore. I am just lost right now. I have a close friend who is going through things as well and I am going to try to get her on the site too. I hope this helps. I joined on the suggestion of a friend and he said it helped him a lot. He actually recommended it awhile back but it took awhile for me to get up the courage to join. For the first time in my life I feel empty and like I have no goals. Night time is the worst especially on the nights when I do not have my daughter. Hurts really bad.
_________________________
ME: 42
HER: 47
D: 6 yrs

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#1842059 - 09/22/09 09:25 AM Re: I'm new wondering if this works... [Re: Butterfly1]
Energizer Bunny Offline
Member

Registered: 07/28/09
Posts: 780
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Dare I say I felt ... DETACHED?!?!?!?! I did it, people!


GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I hope you have a great day today
_________________________
Me: 35
W: 31
S:9
M: 10 years
Together 13
MySitch - Ups & Downs
She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.

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