Awww, Hoosiermama...I just popped in (long time lurker), and wanted to let you know that you DO matter, that you're an amazing woman. ((Hugs)) to you, I hope things get better soon.
Well HM, that's where the point of DB'ing comes in, it's for YOU. I spend more than enough time with myself with out much interaction with the outside world as well. But, if I can mantain a good relationship with myself, then someday others will want to as well.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Several injustices in a short period of time torpedoed your life. In the space of several months you went from a gainfully employed respected person with friends, a husband, an extended family to a betrayed discarded single mom struggling to pay the bills.
It really sucks.
If I could...I would gather a posse and beat the living crap out of your husband. I would lay waste to the OW's horse farm. I would have the rector of his church de-frocked and the bishop pay you a compensation check of $250,000 for your troubles. I might be able to accomplish the latter two things, but I don't want to go to jail for assault or property damage.
OK, then what?
In the meantime, you've got us. Rag-tag internet family that we are. Maybe we can help you develop the courage and wisdom to reach out to the right community where you are. You have my number. Call. OK?
Exactly what Theoden says. I don't wish evil on others, but sometimes they too have lessons to learn. But, all in God's time. And, if you want my number, you know where to ask. Or, I will call.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Things are okay. I have to confess that it's exhausting continuing to live day-by-day, one step at a time. Every now and again I manage to "lift my eyes to the mountain" but mostly it's plodding along. I'm 18 months out from the bomb now; I thought I'd have it together a bit more than I do!
D13 continues to struggle with her feelings for her dad and the Wicked Witch of the Midwest (aka OW). She feels used and manipulated, as she periodically goes with him to the horse farm and has to do chores or babysit for OW's grandson. It's frustrating for her (and for me) that he is such an eager handyman, repairing things and mucking out stalls; one of the major issues in our marriage was that I was responsible for everything, including maintenance and repairs. He didn't like to break a sweat or get dirt under his fingernails. D13 hasn't had the use of our pool for the past 3 summers because it needs repairs, and I haven't had the funds to do it. But he "loves this stuff" of repairing things for OW.
D13 is also spending Thanksgiving with exH and OW--she's taken my place at the family gathering. D13 was supposed to go with them following that meal, to one at OW's mom's house. But she vehemently doesn't want to go, so I'm planning to pick her up from her aunt's house after the first meal. exH doesn't know it yet, and it will get ugly because he feels so entitled to have "all his family" together all day. But it's stressing out my daughter, and that's just stupid.
It must be psychologically damaging at some level, I fear, that she is forced to spend all this time, and is pressured to form relationships, with the woman she knows broke up her family. Fortunately she can vent to me, and sometimes I can step in and protect her. I don't always know in advance what's happening--exH certainly doesn't tell me (still won't really admit that there IS and OW, altho it's absurdly obvious to everyone by now!) and D doesn't always know in advance. So he can manipulate to some degree, by not informing D so she can't inform me. We've talked about it being okay to simply call me if she wants to leave someplace and I'll come and get her--hope she does it some day.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
D13 is also spending Thanksgiving with exH and OW--she's taken my place at the family gathering.
FWIW, when STBXW and I got married we switched family-gathering Thanksgiving to Friday. None of us had "which-parent-this-holiday-stress", STBXW and I felt almost like we had two days of Thanksgiving, and had the bonus of an extra day to prepare (at a non-crazy pace, to boot).
Re your D,13: At 13, isn't she entitled to have a say, a "no," sometimes?
Gardener, chiming in on the forum he'll be joining officially on December 23.
Last edited by Gardener; 11/23/0907:04 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Oh HM, you'll do yourself a lot of good and do DD less harm if you can change your internal narrative a bit.
Some woman from the 1980s did not cause the end of your M. The problems with the M were internal to the M. And, whoever she is, his GF or just-friend or whatever, she is NOT NOW an OW. You are D. There is no 3-way R. Your EX-H's LL is none of your business, and unless you are the third wheel in it, then from your position there is no R that you have with XH in which you are even in a position for someone to count as OW. And, the woman from the 1980s is not taking your place at EX-H's family's table, because the fact is that you don't have a place there now at Thanksgiving. They are HIS family.
Sorry the holidays are hard, but for your own sake try to move away from feeling like a victim and feeling like you remain entitled to things that you thought you would have in your life.
As far as DD, I've no idea what your custody agreement is, but stick to it. If Thanksgiving is one of his days, then at most all you should do is ask nicely for an exception to pick up DD early. No surprises, no drama, and even better, only nice, business-like communication through email only. Maybe if DD feels it is OK with you for her to enjoy the whole day with her father, then she won't have to disrupt her holiday and be jerked around by the D-stuff in the middle of the day. But, she won't feel that way as long as you drag the old emotional baggage/victimhood/old entitlement stuff around with you.
Set both you and DD free by making a fresh start as an independent empowered woman who does not let past hurts dictate the shape of her present and future as one of the things you are most thankful for this year.
