Interesting weekend. I went to another bible study meeting/dinner party at my friend's place. Met some new people, had some good conversations. The conversations got me recalling a number of things that have come up in recent history regarding my S's and xW. Some things I had tried to gloss over, put to the back of my mind, but came to the fore when catching up with friends. Much of this I have related here in these forums already. Other details got me thinking again.
I want to document these here before I lose track of them again.
Last week, we were somehow discussing sharks while I was driving my S's home. S8 then just spontaneously restated the incident that occurred when xW took them on vacation to Myrtle Beach -- with the OM. It involved S8 and OM going out in an inflatable kayak beyond the breakers, where the rip currents form. I have never gotten the full story but they capsized way off shore and got into a bit of trouble trying to get themselves righted. S8 cannot swim. Needless to say I was p*ssed about the whole thing, hearing about it only later after they got back. I said nothing to xW, just filed it away for a list of grievances I will bring to the parenting coordinator when it comes to that.
This time, however, when S8 piped up in our conversation about sharks and began to relate again about this Myrtle Beach incident, he stated that his mother had refused to go into the raft/kayak with them because they had seen lots of sharks from the pier earlier and -- get this -- she was afraid of there being sharks in the water while out in the raft.
My mouth fell open and I wanted to throw a fit, but I kept my cool and calmly told S8 that I did not approve of any of these reckless activities with OM. I said it is apparent from S8's description of the events that OM is a foolish, untrained person who has no concept of the risk to which he is placing my S's in, and that I would like for S8 to never go out alone with OM is in such a questionable manner again. Still, I said his mother is charge of them when they are with her and there was nothing I can do about that, but to try to express to the both of them they really need to be extra careful for their own sakes when I am not there.
Some of you will likely read me the riot act for making such a statement like that before my S's, undermining (supposedly) the trust these children are supposed to have in their mother. And you know what? Until S8 related the additional information about why his mother did not join in, I would have agreed with that sentiment.
However, when my ex is more interested in promoting the OM to my S's than she is in their very safety, that leads me to conclude she is a reckless fool who would sacrifice their security for her own gains. I mean, come on! She thinks it is unsafe for her to go on this little venture because of her own percieved threat (real or not) concerning sharks -- but she'll send her own child out into that very danger?!?
(At the same time I am disgusted with xW on another level -- it's been over two years now she's had this slavish, puppy-dog attachment to the OM, so when the h*ll is this fog ever going to lift for her? When one or both of our S's end up dead?)
...
Last week's den meeting, S8 was acting pretty hyper. I had a hard time getting him to settle down and pay attention to what our den leader and other adults were saying. Several of the boys in the den were the same way, to one degree or another. S8 seemed particularly difficult.
I overheard a couple of the other parents talking, relating about how the boys were are all being big handfuls. I caught what one mother said about S8, how she was glad she didn't have to deal with a boy like S8 every day.
I kept smiling and pretended I didn't hear what she said, but it hurt. For my sake and for S8's sake. I know how he sometimes becomes difficult to handle, disruptive of the groups of people he's around. But most of that is attributable to his Asperger's and his sensory integration issues -- and he can't help it. And I know the mother who spoke didn't mean anything malicious, just stating the facts without understanding the situation, without understanding that S8's ability to maintain his control in crowds of people has it's limits. She doesn't know how difficult it can be for an AS child, for if she did she would be amazed at how well he is able to contain himself today compared to how he was even two years ago.
So I understand her thoughts and can forgive her ignorance. Yes, S8 is difficult and trying at times, even to me. But I am so thankful at how far he has come in the last few years, heck, even the last few months. And I look at how his peers behave, and I realize that S8 is no where near as uncharacteristic in his behaviors than they are. They're all just high-energy boys -- S8 is just a bit more-so.
...
There are a number of other things, but I'll likely make note of them later.
nc ~ starbucks ? Latte? Ok im there... too bad you didn't live closer
I, will not be the one giving out any 2 x 4's on your comment to s8, because there is nothing I would have done differently. When their safety and/or health is involved to me there is no boundaries... and there certainly is no holding back.
She is severly clouded by an infatuation with a man, over her worrying about her children's well being. Im sorry, but to me that is the definition of being "unfit".
Ignore what that lady said about S8, unless she is walking in your shoes, she has no idea what you are going through. I have a friend whos son is autistic and it takes its toll on you. I know they aren't the same, but you know what I mean. I think for the most part, most boys are active and hyper alot of the time, I know my boys are, and they get on my nerves, but they are kids.
Hang in there, making notes is a good way to remember, I should start doing the same thing, just with life in general.
((((nc))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
If I allow myself to stop and think for a moment I find it quite unnerving, scary even. Even now I tend to take it for granted that xW is, if nothing else, a good and conscientious mother -- and she has never, ever let me think otherwise if she has a chance to have input into my thinking. She has always tried very hard (too hard) to be a strong, decisive mother to our S's, the "super-mom", even rubbing my nose in it at times when I don't measure up the same. That, coupled with her "all-knowing", "unquestionable" Nursing skills, has lead me to dub her the "uber-RN". She wants everyone to assume by rote that she always knows what's best for the safety, health and education of our children.
But when I consider something like this...
...I have to conclude that she's a fraud. It also underscores in my mind that my W is truly dead, in every sense of the word except that her body is still animated.
I have always suspected that people actually lose their souls long before the life has left their bodies. A lifetime of sins and inequities leech away at their souls till eventually nothing is left but the living husk.
NC, I think anyone would be upset to hear their children were in danger. No 2x4s from me. I do think this one should be at the top of the list for the parenting coordinator!
Re: your S8. I used to overhear comments about my D10 as well. She would constantly be in motion and liked to jump around (like Tigger) for long periods. Around 9 years old though it just seemed she grew out of that quite a bit, and then I started overhearing everyone say how great and well-behaved she was. This past summer when she was in the play, one of the teenagers was telling the other kids they need to act more like my D10! I think boys take a little while longer to mature than girls too, but I think you will find their behavior gets gradually better and better, or at least that's been the case with my 2.
Thanks, Karen. I really appreciate hearing that. I do realize and see in S8 that every day he gets a little better. It has been a slow, arduous process, but I can look back and see how far he's come and how he is continuing to progress.
Academically he is doing well. He still has this strong aversion to writing (especially the very mechanics of it), but in every other subject he is doing well. Like many AS kids, he has no problems with Math or Reading.
He is doing well enough, in fact, that early next month he will be taking the COGAT. His teacher thinks he is brilliant enough to be selected for this test. His only failing is in the emotional realm and in the sensory-integration realm. As such it is still a struggle to help him learn self-control.
Cognitively, I'd say S8 is about two years ahead of his peers, but emotionally, he is at least two years behind them. I have to watch him to make sure he doesn't lapse into laziness, since he is more than capable of doing the work but his emotional maturity leads him to want to get out of it even more so. He will "melt-down" if things exceed his ability to cope. Thankfully, that has eased considerably since entering the 3rd grade, and I expect this progresss to continue as he gets older.
S8 can also be pretty wily too at times, if one doesn't keep on him. Again. he's often too smart for his own maturity level. That's typical for lots of kids, but more-so for some AS kids like S8.
Have you ever thought of having a topic at the den meetings about the differences in people? For example talking about disabilities some apparent and some not and how kids should try to not judge because you never know the whole story.
Adults sometimes were never taught that I am afraid. Maybe it would be a good lesson for everyone.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think we all tend to lose sight that we're all very much different and unique, while at the same time very much alike. A paradox of sorts. But one too easy to overlook. It is each of our own self-centeredness and arrogance that leads us to think that everyone else in the world is like oneself, and where not like us, to think they should be.
God made every one of us all different from one another, but he loves us all equally.
Had a quiet day at home alone yesterday. But I was busy cooking and prepping for my own Thanksgiving dinner -- roasted an excellent 12 pound turkey, made dressing, green bean casserole, etc. I even nailed the turkey gravy too -- turned out just right. Dessert was apple pie (given to the employees at work).
I enjoyed a sumptuous meal in gratitude and in solitude, but I will really celebrate this evening when I pick up my two S's and serve them from my little feast. I can hardly wait.
I'm at work now. Been negotiating with ex via email over the Christmas wish list our S's have their hearts set on. The big item of contention (always sems to be some point of contention) is S8's wish for the $400 Lego set he's had his eye on for months and months.
That's a lot of money for a single Christmas gift for a single person. In my day, Santa Claus had his limits. But xW doesn't think so.
Up until recently S8 had been saving his own allowance up for this big ticket item, and I was very supportive of that. But with Christmas looming he's given up and wants to let Santa Clause take up the cause for him. I had hoped ex would have helped put the kibosh on that alternate plan, but obviously not. She has even allowed S8 to blow most of what he has already managed to save on other things. Gee, thanks, xW.
Now I'm stuck. I have proposed S8 put up the remainder of his allowance, about $90, towards the Lego set and Santa would cover the rest (ex and I would split this cost evenly). This is going to be a very expensive Christmas in a year I am still very much seriously in debt because of all the legal bills exW caused me this year.
And we haven't even addressed what S5 is wanting yet. <sigh>
It's so funny. (Sad funny, not "ha-ha" funny). If this had come up while exW and I were still married -- that is, back at a time when my money was "our" money -- xW wouldn't even think about blowing so much dough on a single, somewhat frivolous gift for one of our kids -- she would have said it was too much and coached S8 to find something more reasonable. But now that my money is involved, she has no problems in frittering it all away. Yes, she's supposedly chipping in too, but since I subsidize her costs anyway through CS payments, it's just not the same impact for her.
I also worry about the precedence this sets for S8's expectations. I love my kids and I want to figuratively spoil them, but I don;t want to literally spoil them.
