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#1876331 - 11/18/09 01:33 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
Hey Frank - I think I get you. I think I'm a lot like you. As I said before we've been around here for about the same amount of time - only difference is I've had an extra 2 or 3 years living without my ex.

I had the devils own job detaching. It took years. In the end I accepted a job in a remote Aboriginal Community in the outback, 3000km away from home and lived as the only non-indigenous person in a 4th world cross-cultural economy for 18 months. I was 400km by dirt road from the nearest regional town and 1500km from the nearest reasonable coffee. No cell-phone coverage, limited satellite cover and a completely dry (no alcohol)area - so there was no risk of drinking and dialing!! As a form of detaching - self imposed exile is right up there!!!

The point I'm making (in my favourite it's all-about-me style) is that regardless of how much you know you have to "detach" it's hard, and it doesn't happen by osmosis. We have to make it happen.

I also know that it's terrifying to detach - sometimes the "attachment" we have to that old marriage feels like the only thing we've got left.

I'm here to tell you - as terrifying as it is, when you walk through it and start to come out the other side - you wonder why it took so long. Reawakening from years of sadness and grief is the most amazing feeling you can imagine ... and it's within grasp for you my friend.

Come on through to this side of the pain. Accept the gap in your life left by your wife. Start to fill that gap with new life (I'm told there are less extreme ways to do it than exiling yourself from everything and everyone and I'm sure you're the man to find them).

One day you wake up and the huge gaping hole you thought there was in your life is a thin line of light reminding you that the difficulties of these years has made you into the man you are ... and you wouldn't have it any other way.
_________________________
V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

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#1876336 - 11/18/09 01:49 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: Walking]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: Walking

The point I'm making (in my favourite it's all-about-me style) is that regardless of how much you know you have to "detach" it's hard, and it doesn't happen by osmosis. We have to make it happen.

I also know that it's terrifying to detach - sometimes the "attachment" we have to that old marriage feels like the only thing we've got left.

And in a way, that's kind of sick. Holding onto something that is dead is worse than Zombies.

But it SURE is hard not to be a people pleaser.

I think what I learned to day is to just say 'no' first.

I can always change my mind later.

But I was clearly trying to please her. Sacrificing myself. Stupid.

Quote:
One day you wake up and the huge gaping hole you thought there was in your life is a thin line of light reminding you that the difficulties of these years has made you into the man you are ... and you wouldn't have it any other way.

Amen to that.
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#1876340 - 11/18/09 01:54 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: Walking]
sofaraway Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 10111
Loc: Memphis, TN
First of all, brilliant post Virginia and right up Franks alley.

Second,dog visitation??? Really?????? Kind of bizarre Frank...


Third, take your key back from her. The papers are signed, she rents her own place, she has no reason to have a key to your house.

Lastly, her visitation with your D18 is between the two of them, stay out of it. If your D18 wants her to come to the house and give her hugs every morning, then fine. I dont see that happening, do you?


Ian
_________________________
M- 42
XW- mentally 14
KIDS- 3- S14, D17, D23
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09


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#1876381 - 11/18/09 03:31 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: sofaraway]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: sofaraway

Lastly, her visitation with your D18 is between the two of them, stay out of it. If your D18 wants her to come to the house and give her hugs every morning, then fine. I dont see that happening, do you?


D18 says she would prefer her mom not come by in the morning.
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#1876410 - 11/18/09 04:25 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
KerryK Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 5992
Loc: Beaver State
Your D18 sure seems to be quite rational.

I remember when my brother was going through his divorce. I had moved in to help pay bills and I gradually became the dogs master. His STBXW came over when we were at work and took the dog from the dog run. She said that she missed the dog and needed time with the dog that afternoon. My brother told her to never do that again and to get her own dog.

Originally Posted By: frank_D
I feel a bit better. I think I hurt STBXW's feelings a bit but too bad.

This is crucial that you need to learn to not be a fixer for her. After my D, I let my XW know that I am not her tech guy anymore.
_________________________
Young divorced dad who lives half the time with a wonderful son (10) and daughter (8).

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#1876414 - 11/18/09 04:29 AM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: Walking]
KerryK Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/07
Posts: 5992
Loc: Beaver State
Originally Posted By: Walking
I had the devils own job detaching. It took years. In the end I accepted a job in a remote Aboriginal Community in the outback, 3000km away from home and lived as the only non-indigenous person in a 4th world cross-cultural economy for 18 months. I was 400km by dirt road from the nearest regional town and 1500km from the nearest reasonable coffee. No cell-phone coverage, limited satellite cover and a completely dry (no alcohol)area - so there was no risk of drinking and dialing!! As a form of detaching - self imposed exile is right up there!!!

WOW! Did you keep yourself entertained swatting flying insects?
_________________________
Young divorced dad who lives half the time with a wonderful son (10) and daughter (8).

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#1876748 - 11/18/09 04:51 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: KerryK]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Annnnnnnd...

Quote:

But I was clearly trying to please her. Sacrificing myself. Stupid.


BAM!

The crystal clear clarity of newly discovered self awareness right up side the head.

smile

I hope you hold onto that realization Frank.

PS- Your X and your D18, you no longer need to be the go between between them anymore, they should be capable of discovering their own relationship with each other. Frank NOT to the rescue.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1876820 - 11/18/09 05:55 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: KerryK]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: KerryK

This is crucial that you need to learn to not be a fixer for her. After my D, I let my XW know that I am not her tech guy anymore.


Funny you should say that. XW (might as well call her that, it's just a matter of the papers being approved by a judge) is having problems with her computer. It runs for a while then decides to go to hibernate mode (It's a desktop, not a laptop). Generally that indicates the power supply is fading out.

I told D14 to tell her to replace it, only $50. She hasn't so far. Guess OM can't do that for her. But he can dig holes real well...
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#1876822 - 11/18/09 05:56 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
frank_D Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 4939
Loc: Ventura County, CA
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

PS- Your X and your D18, you no longer need to be the go between between them anymore, they should be capable of discovering their own relationship with each other. Frank NOT to the rescue.


I wasn't being the 'go between'. I was telling D18 what had transpired so when she heard a 'story' from her mom she knew the truth.
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#1876860 - 11/18/09 06:28 PM Re: Trusting yourself [Re: frank_D]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Frank,

I am just reading what you write, and presenting my take on it.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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