Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Well Mish, I guess that's half the 'problem'. My handling of the here and now is ever changing on a daily basis, for the better. I have too many other issues and now goals to deal with than dwell over anything XW has done (in extent).

This morning, out of no-where, I recalled the conversation with my grandmother, and how heartbroken she is over what XW has done. It made me recall a statment XW made last New Years in an extrememly odd conversation we had where XW made it seem as if she wanted to come back. XW had said "I want to leave him, but so many people will get hurt" and only today did a reply come back in my head to ask, have you thought of the people you already have?

Then, as I was driving in to work, I was running late enough that it was light out, and saw 'our' old car still parked out front of "her house" that OM now drives and I got my answer; Even if she had thought about those she has or "will" hurt, it doesn't matter now.

I think I've finally hit that stage of 'true' DB'ing and look out for myself. I no longer focus on the why it is, it just is. I now look forward to waking up finally in a place to call my own, not having to tip toe around to not wake anyone else. Just plainly, being on my own and thus happy (not that I'm not now).

I'm no longer questioning what is so "wrong" with me that XW left. There isn't anything wrong with me. There were things wrong with our MR, but she was simply too weak a person to set those wrong things right. And that, will be her burden to deal with for the death of our family, the trauma to our kids, and will no doubt be the way she carries forth in every relationship she has for the rest of her life. My life will go on and be burden free.

[mishka422]

If you are good with yourself and comfortable with the decisions and directions you are taking in your life now then there is very little that C will do for you. The past can not be changed so no point in rehashing that. Only if your past is controlling or directing your current life should it be worked through.

You sound good Dylan!!!!

[dday101798]

You sound good Dylan!!!!

Because I am.

I had a really nice dream of moving into my apartment. I guess I'll have to store in memory aa much as I can about it. The building had another single parent with kids and the first weekend I had the boys over we all got together for pizza and a get to know you kind of thing. I guess I forgot, apartment living does have it's advantages in having very close neighbors as a new source of friends.

Also at some point XW came by, alone I think, and was quite 'nerved' I guess to see me finaly out on my own and enjoying life? I remember I did politely stand my ground on something, not sure what, but cordially thanked her for setting me free.

It is funny. In the real world, when I picked the boys up last Friday and we were talking briefly about the status of things and my cousin losing her job the moemnt I saw this apartment for rent that I now can't get, XW had this weird look on her face. I don't know if it was just the concept of it, or the close poximity of where it at. But she just put on this wierd look and ackward tone. Maybe there is some truth in what she said at New Years about not wanting me to move away when I left the house? But then again, she's the one running 90 miles away? And so is the double standard effect her burdens bring upon her, not me.

[karen43]

That sounds like a wonderful dream!!!

I think there is a double standard. When you wind up serious with someone in the future, I'm convinced your X will freak out. I think they always like to think of us as their plan B or whatever, and then when we aren't anymore, it finally hits them maybe what they've done?

[dday101798]

I think there is a double standard. When you wind up serious with someone in the future, I'm convinced your X will freak out. I think they always like to think of us as their plan B or whatever,

Oh I KNOW! That's the whole reason why we haven't been speaking since July, she ass-u-me'd that my interaction with someone was of "seroius" nature and went on a tantrum fit when I said it was none of her business.

For the time being, it's not in my cards to even think of being serious with anyone and foremost the last thing on my mind. But, yes, I know when that person does come along, there will a sharp outcry from XW. Escepially when she gets a taste of her own medicine as to what it is like to have your children exposed to someone else.

And lastly, "I am not plan B" is something I've had to remind XW on, many of times to the exact wording.

[karen43]

But, yes, I know when that person does come along, there will a sharp outcry from XW. Escepially when she gets a taste of her own medicine as to what it is like to have your children exposed to someone else.

Oh, that's so true. I think they don't realize how tough it is to hear your children chatter about the gf or the bf and have them give gifts, and be a part of the kids' lives. I think it will be a good thing for them though, maybe they can develop more empathy or understanding.

[dday101798]

Oh, that's so true. I think they don't realize how tough it is to hear your children chatter about the gf or the bf and have them give gifts, and be a part of the kids' lives.

Or what it's like to be called the OP's name.

[mishka422]

Or what it's like to be called the OP's name

OMG! Just the thought of that made me throw up a little!!! ICK!

[dday101798]

OMG! Just the thought of that made me throw up a little!!! ICK!

oops! Clean up in aisle 7. lol

[dday101798]

journalizing/venting:

Recieved a very ominous call from S11. He is so miserable there. Apparently, his grades are rather lack luster, I haven't personally seen them yet.

But he says he just does not want to live there. That if he told me half the things that go on there, I'd "never let him return". He said "it's so wrong, I look up at "mom's room and see her and him, and it's so wrong".

Apparently, XW went nuts one night and "drove nails" in their door frames so the boys couldn't close thier doors all the way. WTF?!?!?!?

Then, OM is barking at him to get in the shower. Ugh.

He just wanted me to come get him.

I played it calm and rationalized his problems in school and concentrating, afterall, I was him. I also assured him, I'm "coming home, soon". He took comfort in that, but even said, no matter how crampt it is here, he'd rather be here, not there.

I again told him, there's no shame in getting help. He's still afraid. All I could say was that if he talked to someone, he'd feel better, and if there is a real problem, it's the job of whomever is listenign to say something to the right people to get you out of there and make it better.

another call.