I've been trying the Gucci approach too, limited success I must say. H has noticed, he's not happy (kids told me) that I've been out with a male friend, but he's not said/done anything about it. I think for me it's too late, he's not moving his position at all.
I've been trying the Gucci approach too, limited success I must say. H has noticed, he's not happy (kids told me) that I've been out with a male friend, but he's not said/done anything about it.
Can't speak for Gucci, and won't, but I can tell you a few things I see wrong with YOUR approach.
1st - "H has noticed, he's not happy (kids told me) that I've been out with a male friend, but he's not said/done anything about it."
WHO CARES? You need to lose the concern. It is not until a wife checks out and fades away that a husband opens his eyes and takes notice. You are not there yet. You are pretending/bluffing and its obvious and it wont have the affect you so desire. Stop worrying about the affect and study the methods. Read it over and over again on this site. It goes ...
I had an affair; now my wife is having one and I want her back soo badly. I have been emotionally distant and uncaring towards my wife; now shes out to 3 in the morning. I was verbally abusive to my wife now she's moved out and won't answer my calls. Or in the least, my wife says shes wants a divorce what can I do to stop this, I was one of the above.
Stop thinking about how he's going to react. Who cares. You are still clinging onto friendship. He's a 'friend' right? Why should a friend care who you are sleeping with? Oh, he does, hmmm.... Well think of it this way then 'aren't I the cutest the girl you ever lost. What you going to do to win me back, the dishes, the laundry, massage my stinky feet? too little too late. try harder. Loser.'
You are still doing the pursuing. The only one your husband wants pursuing him is the drunk blonde at the bar at 3am that doesnt even know her own name (thats rude but probably true). Pursuit doesnt work and its best you turns this around with a lot of mystery and a noticeable change in concern.
#2 - "I did go out for dinner/concerts with male friends at the beginning of our separation; my H didn’t like it at all so I stopped as I didn’t want to push him further away. That may in hindsight have been a mistake, perhaps I should have been bolder and said that it was none of his business that we’d moved on etc."
Ahh... Yeah. What are you a possession? He's got a piece on the side, wants you at home alone and you are afraid to push him further away? Something is wrong with that picture.
And why is he finding out. You broke the number one rule, secrecy. These little flings of yours need to thrive in secrecy, linger on and on, stand in the way of any sort of reconcillation. Mind you, I'm not suggesting you belly up and arch your back, but he has got to feel he lost his best girl. Sorta like the crisis that brought you here. I think its called a broken heart.
So lets recap what we have learned on this site:
She emotionally cold and distant to me. She never calls me nor does she answer my calls any more. She clings to the edge of the bed. She sits there like her mind is elsewhere. She's always going out shopping or to her mothers as soon as I get home from work. She doesnt come home until late. When she comes home she is always smiling and taking to me. Is this a sign that things are getting better. She's all buddy buddy with this guy from work. They do lunch and talk on the phone about his marriage problems. She says there is nothing go on they are just friends. Should I set a boundary that she doesnt text him in front of me. She keeps telling me she just needs space and that I am controlling. Her toxic BFF is the problem, they go out until all hours of the morning. What can I do to save my marriage?
I’ll reply here although this is someone else’s thread and apologize to Cas for the hijack.
1. I agree that I need to lose the concern. Having said that my H doesn’t know of any concern that I have, I share it here on this board and nowhere else. We do not have day to day contact, in the past three weeks the only contact we have had is one email exchange re finances. I never contact him and if he contacts I only reply if necessary. 2. I have said that this was a mistake. It was before I found out about the DB approach right at the beginning of our separation when I was quite frankly lost and desperate.
I do not consider him to be a friend, I’ve got friends it’s a H I want. If he were a friend would I not phone/email/text for a chat, I’ve not done this once since we separated (2 years ago).
The secrecy issue is a difficult one, we have 4 adult kids who live with me and who see their dad. I expect them to let me know when they will be home at night out of politeness so it is right that I keep them informed too. I don’t exactly know how much they share with my H, but have heard in the past that he’s been angry that I’ve been out with male friends. Secondly I had an EA 2 years before my H checked out so honesty and trust is an issue. How do I balance an honest and open approach (which is recommended after affairs) with secrecy (recommended by yourself and others)?
If I had really had let go of the M why would I need to keep any of my life secret on purpose. Surely if I was truly done would I care whether my H knew what I was up to or not?
Hope your surgery goes well with wishes for another speedy recovery.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Julia, Oz, Rabbit, Sanderika and Bonny hello and thanks for your good wishes. Surgery went very well and I am home now.I'm back to the surgeon on Wednesday and from there we will plan the final surgery.
Had D's award's night Wednesday. I was seated when H arrived and I was talking to a friend so just said hi when he arrived. Then it started pretty quickly after so not much conversation at all. It was a long, long night so we were quick to leave and walked straight to the car. He was parked directly behind us. He wished me well for surgery. I said thatnks and that was it.
H text me after sugery to ask how I was feeling and to tell me he would take and pick D up from her sport over the weekend.
Cas
PS Never worry about hijacking. I am always happy to learn from everyone's situations
Happy to hear you are doing very well. Your recovery seems to be going shorter than the last one. You sound in good spirit.
Your H is being kind and considerate. Regardless of the sitch, to me it feels good to have them be this way again. It goes back to the old saying: actions speak louder than words. Your H actions are not so unlike my H's. They are behaving more considerate and I think it is genuine, don't you?
It's all so interesting.
My H called me to chat on Thursday nite. I told him I had a really bad headache all day and was already resting in bed (it was 20 after 9). We chatted for an hour, it was a good chat with lots of laughing. He said I hope you feel better before he hung up. I am not sure for the reason of the call. At first I thought it was all in friendship and checking in. At some point halfway through he casually mentioned he would be out of town for two weeks in early December for a new project for our company. I have a feeling it was a lead in for another postponement, I did not take the bait, I let it go right over my head and carried on in the conversation which was about upcoming work scheduled. I am not bringing up the Dec. 4th court appointment to him again. I know he is aware of it, I brought it up 2 weeks ago in a convo.
OH well, TWT....Time Will Tell!!!!
Take care Cas, hope your weekend is going well so far....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
