Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Decision made.

Attain secondary job and get x-mas shopping out of the way as quickly as possible. Then pay off debts. Then, start the saving process and hopefuly by S12's next b-day on Valentine's Day, be situation in my own lttle apartment back home.

Of course, scince I have direction now, that means whatever is effecting my arm will trun out to be something that will slow me down. Dr. has called twice about my CT scan results, but everytime I call back, I never get them, and then they never call back. Urrg.

Heh, funny in reading this, it was S12's b-day last year when I left the house?

[mishka422]

Great plan Dylan! Now, as Larry the Cable Guy says, "GET 'R DONE!"

Having a plan is the first step to changing your life!

[dday101798]

Ah, but when it's all said and done, as George Peppard would say:

"I love it when a plan comes together".

[dday101798]

So you know you're screwed when......................

Your shrink bails on you.

Yup, I'm too much for her. That's nice. I cave and give in and let someone trained try and deal with my sh!t, and they can't handle it. Cute.

And I'd love to know where all thes master degreed "professionals" lose their sense of reality and not realize that a person who misses their kids and family, has 'offing themselves' fathest on their mind. I was counter questinoned at least 6 times of being "suicicdal". What the hell?

I'm thinking about getting back out on my feet, being one step ahead of XW and fighting for kids the moment she slips up, but yet, ah eff it, I'm just gonna go blow my brains out. Yeah, ok, real smart.

So, that's cute. I get one more session to "open up", or just do as I've done and fix my own loose screws. Well, I cost a lot less than she does, that's for sure, and I've managed this far.

Geesh, now I know why I never subjected myself to these people.

[Reincarnated]

That is bizarre. But, they are people, too, and personalities can clash...you might have to find another person if this one isn't doing right by you.

[dday101798]

Yeah, no joke there.

In time, this shall pass too.

[mishka422]

Do you mean that this 'professional' doesn't believe that you aren't quick on the way to killing yourself? Is that what they are hoping for? WTH? I don't understand.

[dday101798]

I don't understand it either.

I know and confessed to 'botteling' up. C's 'problem' seems to be it takes me more than half the session to uncoil, and when a subject gets touched that hits home, I'm quick to recoil and go quiet.

I just don't think it's for me. I mean I litterally argued with the C that no amount of therapy can change what has happened and what will happen. After all, it is what it is. And I simply refuse to make some sugar coated excuse for anything my parents or XW or anyone else has done. Period.

So I guess C sees it as I chose to accept and deal with it, what else can you do, and that is in fact my stance. But, it seems, since I 150% refuse to take 'happy pills', that is mis-construed as 'he choses to live in depression and therefore must be a threat to himself'. Of which I can not say enough I am not. Like I said, there are many of days I wake up and wished I hadn't, but that to me is certainly NOT being a threat to myself. It's living a shitty life and not being able to do a damn thing about it but try and get through as best as possible.

Another thing that popped in my head this morning is the C talks to me like I'm currently the kid who was tossed in the streets by his ever so loving parents and I find in many ways insulting. But, I think that's her 'goal', although she says she has none, to revert back in time to that point and try and fish things out from there. I don't know.

I just don't think it's for me. Blah.

[mishka422]

FOO issues and childhood traumas shape us as people and point us on the path that we are on. In dealing with that you can redirect your path. You view it as history, a done deal. The emotion from the immediate pain and fear of it - yes. The subconscious trauma suffered from it - no.

However, that being said, you need a C who will focus on the here and now first. The past history can be dealt with when you are in a healthier state of mind.

Example - I have a lot of past issues that have caused my self-esteem problems. I touched on it briefly with my C to give her background but we are not working through those things right now, we are working on my view of myself in the now. I see how the past shaped me, but dealing with the now keeps me from diving into that black hole in the past where I could become stuck.

Make sense?

Oh yeah, I know 'happy pills' aren't for everyone. What about something herbal though? St. John's Wort or something Ali told us about called 5HTP (they have it at GNC and I'm sure other places).

[WalkingMan]

Funny, when I was seeing my C, the first thing we faced were my past issues. I don't have too many past issues, but it really helped me and my C establish a foundation to work through my more recent problems. I am fortunate in that I grew up in a healthy household with both parents.

The real damage occured about 4 years into my marriage. It became a nightmare of me neglecting myself to help my XW through her very serious problems.