on the gym front perhaps you could change to a more traditional type gym with some floorwork classes, and a swimming pool, Im sure that swimming exercise in gentle doses may be allowed.
More surgery Thursday, all being well (I have a cough at present so may be sent home again) so the gym and swimming will be out for a while more so I can consider that in the new year.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Perhaps you could let any really good friends know that if they have any single male friends you'd be interested in making new friends, but make sure you clearly state that you mean friends not dates to start with!
Do I tell H that the 'game plan' has changed or do I just change the plan and let him discover it. I will see him this week at my D's school awards night. What difference in me should he see/sense?
You don't tell him a thing. That is the mistake that so many make. You just change the plan. Regarding the awards night there shouldn't be a big noticeable change in you. You don't seek him out. If he seeks you out then be cordial. You do however need to have a sense or an air of mystery. An air of your mind being in another place. End the conversation quickly and end it first.
What kinds of thngs would make me wonder about a woman? I think that if she was texting on her phone half the night or talking softly on it would make an impression even though I would not say or ask about it. It would make me wonder though, especially if I noticed a change in her demeanor. Rushing out the door right after the ceremony would also make me wonder if combined with the new demeanor.
And then you should let that sink in and leave him alone. Start to become less available and hard to pin down. Seem to be busy and always seem to be acting as if you are trying to get off the phone or get rid of him even though you are not mean or nasty. Just busy and in another world of your own. You need to get him CURIOUS to what is going on with you. That is the first "baby step."
Life is good. I think she gives me extra big portions for some reason. HHHMMM....
OMG. Funny.
Too add to this girls. The hair dresser for sure, she's real cute. and there are always one or two women at work who are divorced, get off cheating on their husbands, or have recently been cheated on and are out for a little revenge. oh and the girl at the gym and the bartender girl at the country club, the clerk at the car rental booth, cashier at the convenience store. They're all interested in a little challenge of stealing a guy's interest. And there's nothing wrong with with us guys having a bunch of female friends, right?
Gucci, thank you for answering my "as if" scenario. I get it, get it, get it.....You nailed it from what I see in behaviors.
I have the choice to go forward with the D in December. I counterclaimed H's petition against me last fall. I can waive, postpone, move forward or dismiss my case. I bet your vote for me is to move forward at this time.
Cas, this is such a helpful thread!!! I am a slow learner in this subject and I know it is lack of confidence and fear and a lack of self esteem when around H. In the other aspects of my life I am like you....very capable, strong, content and getting along very nicely as a single mom with all the responsibilites I have to deal with such as my two jobs and my home.
I have let H get away with this cr*p long enough. What is meant to be.....will be. It certainly feels that my H is right where Gucci has him pegged to be. I do not see H moving in any direction without a huge wake-up call. I am trying to come to grips with moving forward in the D. If I tell my L to move forward, I want to stay the path. This is going to be very hard for me. I don't consider this a game, I want something to change. If it's over it's over. I have tried in doing my absolute best to turn this around. I guess it's a positive that he doesn't hate me. I will leave it at that.
Today H showed up at the house to haul an antique truck to a show. Invited son (not me) and son declined the invite. H showed up without notice or previous plan with son. I think there is a lesson in that for me. I didn't push son to go. I let it be his choice. I don't care what H thought. It honestly didn't seem to affect him at all.
Thank you all.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika, although getting a divorce goes against everything that you believe in, you really must go ahead this time. It's been postponed twice for the purpose of reconciliation. I remember reading about this in your posts.
If H's intention was to reconcile there would be definite action in this regard. Sadly this is not the case.
However, as a positive, his lack of action allows you to regain control of your life by moving forward with divorce proceedings. It sends H a real clear message that you have given him every opportunity to reconcile with you but now you are moving on. I suspect that in doing this, the way forward will be so much clearer for you.
I have reflected on my kids and how they treat H. Like your son, they say no to H if they feel like it and they are strong enough to tell H when he's being unreasonable. This was especially apparent in the early days. That made H annoyed in the beginning but after a while H was texting and calling and sending invitations to them. H didn't want to lose them.
It's a difficult time for you Sanderika and you know we are all here for you. You can do this!
In Australia, divorce is no fault. It will be a case of completing and lodging the paperwork once our business is sorted and our financial matters are settled. For me, the financial settlement will be my hurdle and certainly my way forward. I know that I have avoided this aspect as I was avoiding conflict with H and of course, avoiding his temper tantrums. However, I also know that conflict is inevitable as I will only accept what is fair, especially given that I have had the kids with me with very minimal assistance from H.
Use this thread as a chance to journal and to seek support from your friends as you move forward.
D went over to stay at H's house tonight. She came back with H a few hours later to collect something she had forgotten. H came into the house as well. I was busy cooking so I responded to his greeting and went on with my dicing.
H made light conversation,including asking if my neck was still sore as he thought it appeared so. Then he asked what I was cooking. There was general conversation between H, S and D but I kept my focus on the meal preparations.
I was a bit caught off guard with his visit and had just come back from my walk so certainly didn't look like someone who was about to head off for a big social night!
Pain being caught off guard but just think of him as being one of the kids friends, you would have carried on much the same as you did with one of them! Although I do think that there must be a time when you say to the kids, "yeah he is your dad but hes not my H anymore so could you let me know youre popping back as I dont want to be in any situations that I wouldnt be with any other man in my house" Let face it you wouldnt want to be caught in a passionate moment with another man now would you lol!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
This thread of yours has been a very big help given the duration of the sitches. I am happy that the posters were gentle on us for the most part. It has really helped to have a glimpse inside the minds of our H's. I do have to assume it as true.
I feel I have DB for ME.....SUCCESSFULLY!!!!!
I feel I have DB for US in the fact that my H and I are friends again.....SUCCESSFULLY!!!!!
I have been reading other posters advice on other threads this morning. What I have learned is pretty much what I already knew how to do. I was implementing the DB method long before I knew what it was or even found this site. I have to give myself credit for some smarts here about relationships, especially my own. I feel the advice I have given others is right on the mark to change a sitch from pure hatred to friendship.
I have read a lot of conflicting advice here....
I am feeling low about "not getting" Gucci's POV sooner. I guess it's cause I refused to take the blinder's off my eyes. I am typical though as I have read. It's we LBS that seem to get it last.
My H has been spending a considerable amount of time calling me, visiting over here, invited me out for lunch, plus a few other things....I am considering all of this a lead-in for an attempt towards yet another postponement in a few short weeks. My H will not get another chance.
I have been pondering something to tell H. My current version is something like this:
"D, I cannot postpone a 5th time because there have been no real significant changes this past year. Moving forward has nothing to do with my feelings for you. Right now it has everything to do with removing myself from a situation that is unhealthy for me to remain a part of. At this place in time, I am moving forward. I am grateful we have been able to re-create a friendship, especially for J's sake, and I hope it can continue."
I am toying with also saying "it doesn't mean I am closing the door for good, just on the relationship we have now" or something like this.
Cas, what are you actually thinking of doing right now???? I may have missed your thoughts on how to proceed in your sitch....if that's the case, I am sorry to be asking.
Thinking of you......
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I've been trying the Gucci approach too, limited success I must say. H has noticed, he's not happy (kids told me) that I've been out with a male friend, but he's not said/done anything about it. I think for me it's too late, he's not moving his position at all.
