I've missed you. I hope all is well with you and your family.
Yes, xW's hate-filled response to these revelations is just so maddeningly hypocritical. You would think she would stop and realize her own culpability. Not even counting her marital infidelity, which trumps anything I had ever done, if you just consider how she violated our marital covenant just by bringing her mother into our home and then conspired with MIL begin to spy on me and my sons and to gather information to try to justify cutting me out of my own family, you can begin to see how utterly without moral conscious she has become. I should have known when MIL began to actually manufacture dirt on me that my M was already in jeopardy (I found out MIL had been telling xW that I had neglected my S's when the reality was exactly opposite. xW chose to believe MIL's lies and wouldn't even give me the opportunity to defend myself. I was quietly being judged, sentenced and executed by their own private kangaroo court.)
So now that xW realizes I have known all along about the degree of her treachery, she's crying foul. Calling me a liar, threatening me with criminal charges, and even compared me to John Gotti (I must say I got a bit of chuckle out of the irony of that one.)
Still, I really do not wish her ill. I just want to be left alone and to have as little to do with her as possible. xW has decided to become just as vile and hate-filled as her mother has become. And I cannot reconcile that kind of person with the woman I thought I had married, so the less I deal with her the better off I will be from now on.
so I'll ask you the same question I was often asked by parishioners in crisis:
just how strong do I have to be?
I don't know the answer to that one. Only God knows. I really wish I didn't have to be put through the fire many more times myself. Do I really need my Damascene steel be folded another hundred times? Wouldn't 400 times be enough? Why 600? Why 800? For that matter why would I need that much Damascening anyway? How much annealing does God expect?
I then ask, Just how perfect is perfect?
And then I realize how far off the mark I really am. I'm nowhere near to perfection; I'm still barely an ingot of impure iron. I've got so much more that could be done to work my life into what God might think it should be. Big sigh.
The hardest lesson to learn when you are a Christian is that the moment you ask God to make you into a better servant is when you are really asking God to put you through these trials. Be careful for what you ask for.
Still, unlike the non-believer who still goes through their own ups and downs of life, we have the comfort in knowing that God is there with us, leading us.
I have to vent, folks. I am now incensed beyond anything xW has ever done to me.
I got back a few minutes ago from a parent-teacher function at S8's school. Not surprisingly, xW showed up there tonight too. She was ever as distant as she has ever been since the bomb. Not a big surprise either.
I called to talk to my S's on the way back. S8 had just gotten out of the bathtub when he took the call. He told me that his grandmother was not the one babysitting them, but "Mr. OM" was babysitting he and his little brother, playing Wii games with them.
OM babysitting my children was bad enough. But it gets worse.
S8 told me that "Mr. OM" was giving S8 and S4 their baths!
I was dumb-founded. xW was so reckless that she would allow a strange man unrelated to our sons bathe our two small boys? I tried to recover, fumbling for words to keep calm, but I was shocked and infuriated. S8 said that his mother was now saying her good-byes to OM as he and I spoke.
I did manage to finish out the call under control but part of me was considering turning my car around and going down there to do some bodily harm.
I want to tear the both of these two so-called people a new one. This has got to stop -- this sh*tbag needs to keep away from my sons and keep his hands to himself, or I'm going to snap and do I don't know what. My ex had better learn real quick what to be actually scared of -- nothing she has done to date, not the infidelity, not the divorce nor the treachery even have had a chance of making me a physical threat to her safety, despite her assertions to family and friends otherwise. Such is my commitment to Christ.
But this, should my S's be in any way harmed because of her recklessness... I might very well snap. God help me.
I reported this to my L. I doubt there really is anything the court will say or do if no real laws have been broken yet. This is a sick, lost world.
NC--I'm so sorry!! wow--yes, you have every right to be as concerned as you are. good opportunity to set some serious boundaries with their mother, asap.
and you're right--everything else, all the pain and grief up to this point pale in comparison to how we feel when our kids become involved, and we feel powerless to protect them.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
If any foul play becomes of it just know you can get a permanent standing order of protection barring OM any contact with the kids. And that will play hugely in your favor when it comes to cutsody. But, if you do anything or say anything rash in the meantime, it will only play against you.
I'm sure your attorney has told you to journalize everything. So make note of it.
Unfortunately, you're right, there's not a whole lot that can be done about aside from a civil conversation with your XW requesting it not happen again.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
@##$@%@# grrrr!! that is infuriating NC, I'd be angry too. Other than him being a jerk by staying with a married woman, are there other issues which could count as evidence that he is a threat? of course no one will really know who he really is, but I'm trying to think of reasons that might point that he is a safe person near your kids.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I reported this to my L. I doubt there really is anything the court will say or do if no real laws have been broken yet. This is a sick, lost world.
NC, I'm so sorry about this. Do you think your X knew this happened? I think the L was a good idea, but should you maybe have a short email about this (I say b/c easier to control emotions by email than in person esp. in your case.) like if she knew about this. If this was me, I would be upset by it as a mom. I would not want a boyfriend of mine doing that. Also, I was thinking if she did know maybe you could deal with setting it up as setting up rules in both households with bfs and gfs. I mean I'm thinking your wife would be SHOCKED & HORRIFIED if you had a gf doing this with your boys and she found out. Don't you think? So address it maybe as a negotiation that you would both agree to, which certainly I would think you would both want? Karen
I appreciate all of your thoughts and your support. My L confirmed that there was little that can be done regarding the OM -- and has suggested that I wait until we talk to the parenting coordinator (PC) before raising the issue. The problem is that the hearing to so much as assign the PC won't be any earlier than Sept. 19 -- that means I need to document what I can and bring my laundry list with me.
I've said nothing to xW about this. I got my S's on Friday, and it wasn't long before S8 was offering an excuse for OM giving them baths while their mother was away -- and yes, this is just more evidence of coached answers spilling from my S's lips, even when I never asked for them. S8 said that "Mr. OM" let them both, even S4, wash themselves, without his help. I am certain that xW is trying to get our S's to cover for her terrible judgement.
My biggest beef with xW, even if nothing truly harmful happened, is that xW allowed an adult male unrelated to our S's to both babysit our two small boys and to give them baths all while she was away -- and without bothering to clear it with me first.
And to answer your question, Karen, yes, xW knew this happened and probably welcomed it -- I am sure she relished having "her man" obsequiously doing her bidding for her. She's too arrogant to think that she could ever judge her lover so incorrectly, that she could ever miss that her BF might possibly be a sex offender. OM may not be anything of the sort, but I don't know the guy -- I've never even met the slimebag. I do know there's something not quite right about a guy in his forties who has no children of his own but who has a history of pursing women with children from prior R and attempting to get as close to them as their mother. He M'ed at least twice before to such women. He's obviously the sort who will make a play for the kids to woo the mother.
I also wonder if xW is aware of her BF's MO --but even if she is then she is likely to have glossed over it, rationalizing the implications away in her warped mind. "He's just so wonderful with children," is all she'd allow herself to think.
It bothers me that xW doesn't have the common sense to know you just don't allow someone you're dating into your children's lives unless and until you know for certain something permanent is to come of it. She pulls no punches if she ever thinks I might be failing to practice discretion with our S's, and yet she now appears to be worse than I ever could be.
I will be watching this guy. I don't like hearing how he continues to roughhouse with my S's, how he is physically affectionate with my S's and how he continues to work his way into a parental role in their lives. It just is not sound or proper; it's wrong.
If I ever find out proof-positive that OM or anyone else in xW's cadre of waywards have done anything to harm either of my two S's, I will make their lives a living hell.
