Well done Rabbit - sounds like you are getting off to a grand start! You will be glad that you have done those chores and it will work it's way back to H - he is watching you, via your S -you can guarantee that! Make sure that the traffic getting back is very positive!
Glad too that you went for a ride with your horse. I don't know the area very well around Oxfordshire but reasonably so ... it is very beautiful. I love being at my sisters place up near Windsor whenever I get the opportunity and it's not too far away as the crow flies from you - or should that be the red kites as they are not far from the Chilterns!
My day has sucked, to be honest. I have felt much the same as you and I have been railing at my WAH in his absence! I can't understand why he can't get his butt back here and work on things and, reading over some of his emails from a month ago, he makes things sound so clear cut and plausible that anyone else would agree with him that to be ending our M is the way to go. That makes my heart ache. You just want to batter them into some sense really, don't you feel that way? You are right - that is a DB no-no even though it's very tempting!! LOL
Sounds like you didn't have the best counsellor there ... my experience is that they should listen and challenge but never offer solutions, especially one so radical as to suggest a trial separation. I think that I would go call them on that one and ask "do you realise the wheels that you have now put in motion" - probably best not to but you hate to think of that poor practitioner doing it to any other unsuspecting couple. Makes me shudder.
So, now that you have your 'list' for the week, make sure that you complete at least one task per day.
You sound as though you are coping OK today - are you feeling that way? Don't forget to post and vent your feelings here - it's safe and it's all about US - probably the only thing that is at the moment! Read widely around this site - all the information is out there and you only have to ask to get a pretty swift response! Check by my posts today for a few words of wisdom that I have shared with others in regard detaching.
Will catch you tomorrow. Have a great day - it's not even 11am for you, yet!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Well today after managing to give myself a swift boot up the bum I finally got going! Was in a pretty fragile way though, got my ironing done and checked the accounts for it to have been significantly reduced, H had managed to spent £215 on top of the £500 pounds odd of bills he had paid and there was only a bit left, I was so upset as it just made me feel that he was doing the ME ME AND ME again with little or no regard for little old me, I just wanted to hibernate but managed to pop my jods on to go off and ride madam, had a lesson today which I had been so looking forward too but now felt really low and was wondering where I was going to get the get up and go to make the most of it, madam gave me a lovely "I know you feel crap mum" nudge and reduced to me tears but good old british stiff upper lip I managed to pull it together and then go on and have a fab lesson and achieve some really good stuff.
Left the yard a little better in spirits intending to do some gardening although couldnt do the trip to the garden centre as not sufficient money! The afternoon wizzed by and just as I was about to go out it started raining so I decide to finish off the accounts.. H had lunch out with son & girlfriend, then had chinese, did shopping etc and I hadnt spent a bean, although thankfully the shopping at windsor had been a bit dull and the only thing I needed I was between sizes so still have to wait to shift a bit more weight!
Had a lovely evening with son & girlfriend and was pleasantly surprised that son cleared the kitchen up while he was waiting for the ice cream to soften bless him. On checking my email this evening, was message no one for H, dont forget its a Bank Holiday so I will probably get paid a day late.. Why didnt you think of that when you paid all the bills without asking what I needed. Second email WE seem to have spend quite a lot of money what bill have YOU paid that I dont know about..
MY REPLY Why do you assume I have spent it all? I haven’t spent anything since Friday and only £30 today! Perhaps you should add up how much you spent on Saturday that would give you a clue! Although there does seem to be some missing still!
Maybe not the best reply but at least honest and not accusatory but I have had two glasses of wine tonight, maybe I should have waited but how dare he accuse me when Im being sensible and he is behaving like a singleton totally forgetting his wife.. I saw my sons face tonight when I said I still love him and would wait till he saw sense (maybe wrong words) but sons face said I had a long wait..
He has done it again four days in a row brought me down when I just managed to pull myself up.. Im not sure I can this anymore without losing it with him.. Advice desperately needed!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 09/01/0908:11 PM.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oh Rabbit ... good that your 'madam' got you to have a good lesson, that's a positive to start off with! You are stronger than I am at the moment - I am in a real nose-dive but here's my 2 cents worth, anyhow. Don't forget, I'm a newbie here too so take bits that make sense to you and scrap the rest - I'm sure that you may find some of the other experts popping up to throw their advice in to the mix any time soon!
You are doing well. You have taken steps to look after yourself. You are getting out and about, riding, shopping and having your family to dinner. This is all great and you must continue to do so ... plus finding other things to add in that you can do at low/no cost. That's the tricky bit, I know!
I guess what strikes me most at this time is the financial situation. It's great that you are taking care of the accounts but I can relate to things getting in a pickle when there is no clear definition of who's responsibility it will now be for paying the bills.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Why do you assume I have spent it all? I haven’t spent anything since Friday and only £30 today! Perhaps you should add up how much you spent on Saturday that would give you a clue! Although there does seem to be some missing still!
You don't have to justify yourself to your H. He has walked away and so you are doing what you want, and now need, to do. I understand that you were angry and frustrated when you made your response but that should demonstrate why it's not a good time to reply! Your comments have only served to validate his current negativity about you and that to have left you was undoubtedly the right thing to have done! You have also reflected blame in saying that there still seems to be money missing - sorry but this IS accusative!
If you continue in this vein, it will be seen as 'more of the same' behaviour - it does not work and his reponses will be negative. You will learn that to act is better than to react at times like this.
'More of the same' that does not work has be replaced and you must find a new tack. Now could be a good time to look at 180's (check the forum lists for some good advice here) and how you could do things differently - in a way that he would not expect -it will disarm him and blow the wind completely from his sails whether you see it or not!
Think now, with hindsight, about how you could have answered the email if you had not reacted. What if you could answer it again -how would your response be different? Write it down as an exercise and good practise! How could you let him know that you are shifting the balance of control in general but for your finances too? ... and I'll give you a clue: ALWAYS post your responses here before you send them... people will stop you if you are about to make a blooper!
I have learned to step back. Take a breath, make a coffee, write the response and then post it here is getting a much better reaction from my WAH than to do as I previously did. If you do not, be prepared for negative feelings to escalate. You will not be in control and you will have put yourself on a backslide, in DB'ing terms.
BE CALM - always try things out here first. Consider this as your 'routing' service that allows your post to be screened before Royal Mail/Server will allow you to send anything!!
The other thing that this does is to 'buy' some time. You may have a dozen different thoughts if you leave a response for 24hrs - how many times have you regretted your first answer in the past? Mmm, it happens, doesn't it? In waiting, you will show H that you are not there at his beck and call and it's a 180 on the usual behaviour that he is expecting to see from you. It will also make him wonder where you are and what you are up to that you haven't responded straight away ... 'reliable' wifey that you are!! No more, mate! This is about altered perceptions ... and YOU are in control of your actions and when (and if) they happen.
When you decide to respond, you are calm, controlled, friendly and business-like - a woman who is at peace with herself, a woman who is taking back the reigns of her life, a woman that can cope on her own. It is creating this air of mystery ... and it's a start to some great DB'ing! If you don't believe me, just ask other posters ...
I know that it may all sounds very unfamiliar and that's the thing that takes so long to grasp, for me it has been, anyhow! Everything that you are advised to do here feels wrong. It all feels counter-intuitive but people's advice is based on sound research, backed by Michele W-D - and for so many people, has worked like a dream. The hardest part is having faith in the techniques, having the patience to see it through and being kind enough on yourself to allow your healing to take place, which will stand you in good stead for whatever is in the future.
You may have seen it said here that we are all here for a common purpose - to mend our marriages. Most of us accept that we have a 50-50 chance of that happening. What people set out to do in advising you is to help you make a better YOU so that with or without your H in the future, you can have a better, more controlled, more healthy life for you and your loved ones.
I wish you every success with that.
Keep posting - stay around and we will ride this gymkhana together!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Thanks Nell, on hindsight I could have replied with a better answer, although the last bit wasnt accusing him rather agreeing with him! I have woken up feeling a bit better only to find in the post he has booked himself in for italian lesson, its not the lessons its the fact he is expecting to stay there longer that has hit me! and also a txt message to say there is something mysterious on our banking account, so looks like its an outside job, he plans to phone me later, I dont really want to talk to him, I have an interview this afternoon and wanted to spend the day being calm and proactive not bunched and feeling sick as a dog! This is day five in a row his actions have left me reeling!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Well I have just done a 180 of sorts, even though he has txt me about missing money, I have pretended I havent seen it yet and sent a nice email apolagising (not grovelling) for being sharp with him. Usually having blasted off I would wait for him to say sorry for winding me up.
From now on I will go back to waiting 24hrs before replying, and get my replies checked if need be!
Now the long wait to speak to him I suppose, honestly Im dreading it, going to have to dig deep and DB as hard as I can although after this mornings post it all seems pretty hopeless!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Rabbit - STOP. You are falling in to all the same traps as other newbies (and I have been there too)!!
Let's go bit by bit:
You must think before you react - that's why you now feel that you could have written a better reply! You reacted.
I saw your 'last bit' as accusing (sorry!) and he would have too - even though you say that you were agreeing with him.
Forget the Italian lessons for now ... more important things to deal with. You have to get yourself a life and he probably feels that learning Italian is GAL'ing for him ... put that one on the back burner, refocus, get your ducks in a row and we can tackle that one later. BIG LESSON ... don't worry about what H is doing, only what YOU are doing.
H is in control of finances at this time and if he is worried about unusual activity on the account, let him sort it out. Not your problem, especially when you should be focusing on your interview this afternoon (Good luck!). You do not need the extra stress. Let H sort it out and whilst he plans to call you later, "sorry but you are busy - could he call you tomorrow, instead"?? I know that you are screaming now that this is not the right thing, but it is. BELIEVE - HAVE FAITH - DETACH LOVINGLY. Go be calm, proactive and as happy as a horse, not sick as a dog!
This is day five of his reactions leaving you reeling? YOUR FAULT - don't allow his actions to do that to you. Remember, this is not about him, it's about you. You have the power to deflect his actions and if he sees you reeling, who is winning??
You have to pull things together quickly here or you are in serious jeopardy of losing control. Take back the reigns, remember that? It's all about choice - your choice. You must choose not to let H upset you and the way you do that is to put up a big red stop sign in your mind and pay heed to it. Then, breath, be calm and do not react. It's the best start. Remember your 180's .. he's expecting this behaviour from you and you are playing in to his hands. STOP NOW. I did say that it felt weird and wouldn't be easy, didn't I??!!!
OK - let me jump to post two ...
Last edited by Eskimo Nell; 09/02/0909:18 AM.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I have checked the account like I usually do (bearing in mind Im pretending not to have seen H's txt) and seen a £200 payment which is odd! Normally I would have got all upset and rang H and semi-blamed him for spending money, and then got him to sort it out! But not this time, I have rang the bank and logged it as a unrecognised transaction and they are looking into it and ringing back.
So 180* are
Not screaming at H Not blaming H Trusting that H has acted responsibly Sorting it out myself
So now when he rings I can say sorry missed that txt.. but I thought it was a bit strange and as we had agreed to discuss large bills and you hadnt mentioned anything to me I thought it best to ring the bank so I could get it stopped if possible or raise a dispute.
Back to feeling chuffed with me old self again!
ETA Its actually my bank account with him as named person, he is transferring money from his company account to ours, up till now he has sorted out the money, but I have taken over apart from the few bits I have asked him to do!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 09/02/0909:27 AM.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
What's not good is that you emailed an apology for being sharp! Do not justify yourself and, if you are going to detach (have I heard you right on this), then remember to be short, blunt and mysterious in any communication that you have. No more apologising, OK?!! If you feel that you have to do something like that, post here first!! Seems that you have understood that concept from now forward, however!
Glad that you are positive in your resolve to hold out. Good Rabbit ... I know that what you hear on this board may not always be what you want to hear but it is all said with kindness and only because we want us all to succeed in our end goal. We don't want you making mistakes that others have and have lived to regret. Sometimes the harsh words are those that make us sit up and listen. You need to be watching out for Gucci visiting you - you think that I am hard? Pah! He will chop you up and spit you out - but geez will you feel better when you have taken his words to heart! He will arrive at some poiont, I'm sure... make no mistake!!
Now, apart from the interview and not taking H's phone call today (oh no, you won't!!), what else have you lined up for the day??
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Thanks Nell, I have done a bigger 180 go back and see! But do you think I should ignore H's call even though I have sorted it out. As otherwise he may take actions to sort it out himself, not that he can do much as the payment has been paid I have just put in a dispute..
I do find being mysterious hard work, Im really a what you see is what you get kinda girl! Although Im sure once I get the hang of it again it will be fun, almost like playing hard to get a bit in a sorty flirty way lol
Apart from interview this afternoon if the weather holds I will go see madam, might even just go give her a cuddle if its raining hard. Dug out a whole load of smaller clothes that need ironing before using so got that to do.. Always plenty to do in a big house just need to get up and do it!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
