The beginning of my H starting to turn around was when he felt I didn't need him and that I was moving on without him.
Once he started feeling this, he went all kind of crazy like and that is when the whole irrational behaviour began up until he finally exploded moved out then chased me and we had the big conversation that brought us back together.
Just keep going as you are, don't make any sudden moves back towards him, but don't be too distant or unfeeling toward him either, yuou have to strike the balance of being friendly without pursuing but you don't want to seem cold either.
Well at the moment I really dont know, but he came back from work in the early hours of this morning and we have spent a lovely day together, no real R talk but some near misses, one me pointing out that he shouldnt be scared that returning to one life from two would be bad but should be seen as a bonus as it would/could be a better life with input from two! Also again I wasnt very good at disguising my disappointment at him talking about yet another thing he has joined down there! But he seemed to want to reassure me that he wasnt building a life down there. He has left for another evening at work, but we spent the last hour before he left cuddling on the settee watching the telly, I had put my laptop down after quickly checking my emails and he put his down stating he'd done so because I had!
I think and I whisper and think this very quietly that we might and I say that scared stiff just in case its not true that we danced three steps backwards last week but and its a big but we may have actually danced three steps not two forward this week, I do hope so!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Ok Im sorta in a "cake eating" position, H has done the panic thing and has come up to stay for three days, things have been lovely and yes some "cake eating" has occurred. But some very normal loving things, like him putting his laptop down for a cuddle and snuggling into me when I was cooking for him, and him validating my fear of him setting up a life in his new place, and saying he isnt thinking like that!
He's going back home this weekend as he has commitments and also he's run outta clothes and things! But when he said he'd be off tomorrow, he quickly said with enthusasiam and a smile but I'll be back next week! Now of course if he doesnt he's been cake eating and he's gonna get the royal order of the push, but if he is open and honest and starts to move forward in a sorta piecing manouvre, what do I do?
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 11/05/0912:21 PM.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Hi Rabbit, Well you know I'm pretty knew to all this, so take this for what it is worth... but I would think you "act as if" he is telling you the truth and will be coming back... but you do so with clear boundaries in place for you. so, then if he violates those boundaries in any way or there is further cake eating in any way... you go back to the GALing, pull back contact etc. And keep doing what you need to in order to maintain your PMA in the meantime.... Just my 2 cents...
Thats where Im heading Rocked, I spent a bit of time thinking about our conversation on mon eve, and a big penny really dropped! Ive copied below what I put in my email to my mate this afternoon!
"I kept going through what had been said Monday night before I ended up in tears, it was triggered by me saying something about loving him! He said how could I, I didn't know him, I didn't know what he wanted out of life, hell I didn't even know what he wanted for xmas, and that was heart breaking when I saw it from his point of view, at xmas all I had been was annoyed he hadn’t given me a xmas list and I had no idea what to buy! Then he said that I didn't even need him any more, and he reminded me of what I had said on our dinner date! That when he had his heart attack that I thought my world had ended when he nearly died, but being separated had shown me that him dying wouldn’t be the end of my world, now I had never said that to hurt him just to explain how I had changed and how I was no longer needy but wanted him! But OMG that must have hit home like nothing else! Yet how can he not want a needy wife but want to be needed. No wonder he said that he felt Monday night we had stepped forward some how! Perhaps we had both spoken and been heard by each other for the first time in months/years I really don’t know!"
I really hope that my radar is working correctly and hes not going to "pull my chain" as other wise pull back will be from me big time!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Well you know Rabbit, one thing I am remembering about DB principles is that you can't take to heart what they say. I don't know what it is about the "fog" state of mind they are in, but it's like they just interpret what you say to fit their own mindset. I have also found it unbelievably frustrating that it feels like we can't win! My H has confused me with the mixed messages of "don't be so needy" while telling me OW was attractive to him b/c she needed him! I don't think WAS's even know what they want! That is why the DB strategy of GALing and focusing on ourselves is so crucial! If you become the best Rabbit you can be, and you find strength and confidence during this time - you will be ok no matter what he decides.
Either way... whether your radar is working correctly or not, "acting as if" will be good for you. Keep your PMA going! You are a FABULOUS and ATTRACTIVE woman! Now you go girl! :-)
Well Im still in a tailspin, started this week expecting serious kicking off and ended up having a nice week with H!
So much stuff has gone on Im not sure where to start, but having gone from a very upsetting start mon, to H wanting to come back Tuesday and did, went on to have a nice day Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, him being torn between wanting to go back and take part in his new hobbies but wanting to stay, and then discussing coming back next week after he had done his hobbies! I can see him struggling and I do want him to finish his classes and enjoy what he is learning and of course I want to spend time with him!
He is still unusually a bit wary/jealous/unsure of me going off on a date with someone else! I have mostly so far only mentioned dating a toyboy in jest, I have never ever given him a reason to suspect I am or would! Maybe its because as Rocked said Im now an attractive, sexy, well turned out woman and of course as of this week a woman with a new job, who is obviously going to be in the path of the other men lol!
The nicest thing that has happened is he did the H quiz of the 5LL's and funny enough his LL are the same as mine, WOA, QT and PT. It was lovely reading all the things he had answered with regard to loving me and I went through them smiling saying "mm good at that" "mm could work harder at that" etc which made him smile, the only one he laughed at was the washing the car one for me and said I had no chance lol! He has always washed my car for me. My only query is how do you fill someones love tank with their chosen LL, his is WOA when he doesnt believe that you think he's sexy etc and just remarks I want my eyes tested, or do you fill the QT and PT tanks and hope that levels out the WOA?
So he has gone off back to his flat so he can do his hobbies, but I am left feeling a little hopeful as to where this is all going? Only time will tell and who knows!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 11/06/0911:37 PM.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
The nicest thing that has happened is he did the H quiz of the 5LL's and funny enough his LL are the same as mine, WOA, QT and PT. It was lovely reading all the things he had answered with regard to loving me and I went through them smiling saying "mm good at that" "mm could work harder at that" etc which made him smile, the only one he laughed at was the washing the car one for me and said I had no chance lol! He has always washed my car for me. My only query is how do you fill someones love tank with their chosen LL, his is WOA when he doesnt believe that you think he's sexy etc and just remarks I want my eyes tested, or do you fill the QT and PT tanks and hope that levels out the WOA?
It doesn't work that way. They need to have each one met seperately.
Words of encouragement don't necessarily have to be about his appearance:
* Compliment him the next time he does housework or does some home repair * If he has a hobby, show interest in it * If he has a good day at work or gets a major project done, be supportive
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thanks Trent, I spent several hours this afternoon going through his digital photos and discussing with him how they could be made better using the software he had bought, and him showing/teaching me about the different changes! I was snuggled up against him as he had his laptop on his knee so I think I filled all three tanks at once! Thanks for reminding me that WOA dont just have to be about appearance!
Last edited by Lost Rabbit; 11/06/0911:56 PM.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks for reminding me that WOA dont just have to be about appearance!
Happy to help.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
