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#1886319 - 12/03/09 04:16 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
LOL, I'm more hard core than Pup?

Tight knit family of the OM...

I am reminded of a quote I like.

"The friend of my enemy is my enemy"

DDay, look man if you are going overboard, and you know it...then yes it is unreasonable. However, if this is what you NEED? Then it is your boundary.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#1886325 - 12/03/09 04:23 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Piggy-backing on what Jack said:

- If the OM's sister enabled their affair in any way, or if for any other verified reason she is NOT supportive of your marriage, then you are not being unreasonable.

- Even if you CAN'T verify it, as Jack said, if YOU find their contact unpalatable -- if you can't feel safe in the relationship if your wife is in contact with this other family -- then you're STILL not being unreasonable, because, as Jack said, this is YOUR boundary.

It's all about you.

Puppy
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1886613 - 12/04/09 08:33 AM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
OH MY GOD!

Somebody pinch me and tell me it was all a dream........oh wait, couldn't have been becasuse I haven't been to sleep blush

I get 'home' last night and get into the mix of making dinner and get a text from XW "what's up", I reply 'making dinner'. She then replies "so we're not going to bourbon st. (concert club we used to frequent on Thursday nights)". I figured she was pulling my leg. But guess what, we ended up there, ALL night.

It was like the past 2 years have never happened for the most part. We laughed, we joked, we sang along with the band, we cuddled, she drew me close to her and had her hand on my thigh all night, and after "the talk" we kissed, several times, 4 of which were heated and I thought we would get kicked out. grin I can't even remember when exactly the last time I kissed her was!

On the more serious matters, XW is fully aware and willing to sever ties with whomever not only I but she feels is threat to the re-birth of our R. When I asked her what of the damage done to family ties, mainly her father, she says she will handle him and doesn't care what he thinks.

We shared some very remorseful tears and fessed up both our faults voluntarily in the MR breakdown with out faulting the other.

THIS folks, is IT! The real deal! Yes, I will keep a watchful eye for anything of suspicion and she knows it. She knows she has to re-establish trust from me and is commited to do what it takes. Thus, the action will speak louder than those words, but for the time being everything looks in order and there were no surprises on the table (other than her willingness to oust a few 'friends' who were detrimental to the survival of our M.

I don't know if it's cause I'm cold, tired, or just plain overjoyed, but I can not stop shaking. blush

The odd but refreshing part is while she was getting ready to go out (and in a very good mood about it), she says S11 asked her why she was so happy looking and where was she going. She didn't want to say, but him being my boy read her and "excitedly asked, 'are you going out with dad tonight?" she says she tried to not give a specific answer but he kept insisting so she told him 'yes' and she says he lit up like a christmas tree.

So that is my 27 hour day in a nutshell thus far. God I hope I make through today, I have to cover for a absent co-worker, leave early and take S11 for his physical, then fly back to work for my christmas dinner party. It's going to be a loooooong day. But it was all worth it, time flew by so quickly, we couldn't believe it when we looked thrughout the ever emptying club and they were shutting down crazy

Please, please, do not kill this for me. Yes, I know there are risks, and I told her, my defenses are on high and on the watch for anything because of the hurt that has been caused and I will not go through it again. That said, I really think we are going places with this!
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1886631 - 12/04/09 08:57 AM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
PLEASE take it slow and easy, Dday. You're saying all the right things about being careful and cautious, but your tone just SCREAMS "melty man" and you're WAY too amped up.

Yeah, yeah, i know -- I'm a buzzkiller. But I've seen more false starts around here than I care to, and you are SO much like me it's not even funny. I have always LEAPED back in, both feet, caution-to-the-wind, and I always regret it.

SLOW and STEADY. Make her earn her way back into your heart.

Puppy

P.S. If you think I'm wrong, ask yourself this, and try to answer it honestly: would you insist upon the "no-contact whatsoever with OM's family" thing if she came to you RIGHT NOW and asked you nicely? Or would you be able to hold your ground? confused confused
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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#1886641 - 12/04/09 09:19 AM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
heh, puppy, my excitement is released here, much like venting, ranting, right now I'm releasing my excitement and not melty man in front of her. wink

Yes, slow and steady. And she knows she has work to do, I was pretty blunt on that.

And yes, I re-itterated firmly, no contact with OM and as far as I'm concerned the entire family, she was ok with that. This was said when XW states "you are my other half, no-one else, I was wrong, we are halves" And I told her point blank, 'then you need to get rid of the wedge the came between us once and for all and with my insight and knowledge.'
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1886647 - 12/04/09 09:39 AM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Gnosis Offline
Member

Registered: 08/01/09
Posts: 1779
Quote:
And I told her point blank, 'then you need to get rid of the wedge the came between us once and for all and with my insight and knowledge.'

Nice response!

Glad you had a good time Dylan. Enjoy the love drugs and keep upping her dosage. One thing you need to realize: She has not had time to go through OM withdrawal and she's just switching 'dealers' right now. Take advantage of this fact to get her 'addicted' to you, while you 'keep yourself clean'.

I'd like to share something with you. There is ONE thing I keep telling my niece(23) and nephew(17): "Your relationship doesn't begin until the after first fight. It's what happens after that fight and how the two of you handle it that determines the path ahead."
_________________________
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married
4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT

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#1886659 - 12/04/09 09:59 AM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: Gnosis]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
One thing you need to realize: She has not had time to go through OM withdrawal and she's just switching 'dealers' right now.


Realized, noted and stated in the 'serious' talk. I told her we need to go nice and easy, for the kids to adjust and for her to get over OM while my trust rebuilds in her.

Like I said, I'm all giddy here, but when it came to this issues I was cool, calm and to the point, no beating around the bush, and made sure each and every concern was received.
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1886781 - 12/04/09 01:17 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
dday101798 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: Chi-town
Well, I think I 'm shutting this bad boy down and going "piecing". grin
_________________________
Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11

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#1886802 - 12/04/09 01:52 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
mishka422 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/07
Posts: 9620
Loc: GA
Quote:
Please, please, do not kill this for me.


Why would anyone kill you for this? Isn't this the kind of response everyone here hoped for at some time? I'm very excited for you!!! So excited that when I read that my heart sped up to 'race'!

The cautionary notes are only because we don't want you going through that horrible pain again. A large percentage of us have been through the 'false start' reconcilliations. Trust me, the pain of being dumped yet again is actually worse than the first time. I hope your xw figures herself out and doesn't race back to her hole again so that you don't have to go through that.

BEST OF LUCK!!!!
_________________________
T19 M15 S19 XH46 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!


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#1886876 - 12/04/09 03:19 PM Re: Newbie (again) [Re: dday101798]
Puppy Dog Tails Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/08
Posts: 18296
Originally Posted By: dday101798
heh, puppy, my excitement is released here, much like venting, ranting, right now I'm releasing my excitement and not melty man in front of her. wink

Yes, slow and steady. And she knows she has work to do, I was pretty blunt on that.

And yes, I re-itterated firmly, no contact with OM and as far as I'm concerned the entire family, she was ok with that. This was said when XW states "you are my other half, no-one else, I was wrong, we are halves" And I told her point blank, 'then you need to get rid of the wedge the came between us once and for all and with my insight and knowledge.'


Niiiiiice. whistle
_________________________
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen







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