I never thought I would be here

[2overcome]

Hello everyone, I am usually happy to be a newcomer in forums - but I never wanted to be in the position I am in now. This past Sunday my wife dropped the bomb that she wanted a divorce. She said "I love you, but not in love with you" thing and that she is not happy and hasn't been for some time. We have been married for almost seven years (7 years next month). She said that I am her best friend, a good man, a good father, and provider, but I didn't meet her emotional needs. Of course at this moment it ripped out my heart and the tears were flowing, and I told her that I love her more than anything and I am willing to do anything to work this out. She has stated that she doesn't want to work this out and she has made up her mind.

[2overcome]

The talks went on over the next few days, she wants to find someone who completes here and she wants me to be able to find someone who completes me. She stated that she was afraid she wouldn't find that person and she was afraid of being alone. I told her that I wanted to work through this, that marriages aren't always easy and will come to rough spots, and that we should work through them. "For better or worse" I reminded her. I told her that what makes a marriage more stronger, is to work through the hard times so you can appreciate the end result in the long run (in a nutshell). She doesn't want to feel trapped and miserable. We also have a daughter who is 5. We are still in the same house, and she wants to wait until things are figured out before it goes into motion (finances, ect).

[BeTheMan]

Rambler: Welcome. You will find great support here.

There are some experts here who really know their stuff. Listen to them and take their advice. Four years ago, I did my dbing very well and saved my marriage. This time, I did it very poorly and have not been nearly as successful. I have not given up yet, but have made it much more difficult now.

So..don't do what I did. Listen, learn and live what you read in DB and DR and what you find here. There is no guarantee that you will save your marriage, but it will allow you to save yourself.

[2overcome]

On top of that we had a vacation planned this month, and we have already pre-paid for things. She still wants to go as a family so my daughter can enjoy it as she has been excited about the vacation. I by no means want a divorce and I want to work this out. I love my wife, and I by no means want to spend my life with anyone else. I think she is confused and I have reason to believe that she really doesn't know what she wants and is finding the easy way out. In fact she had called me yesterday to let me know that she was leaving work because she was having a hard time focusing. Call be crazy or naive, but I got to think that she may not be fully convinced that this is the right way. But then again I have hope the size of a grain of sand and I am doing my best to hold on to that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Rambler,

I'm sorry you're here, and I know it hurts to hear those things. We've all been there.

I hate to say it, but almost everything your wife is saying would indicate that there's someone else. Especially:

She said "I love you, but not in love with you" thing and that she is not happy and hasn't been for some time. We have been married for almost seven years (7 years next month). She said that I am her best friend, a good man, a good father, and provider, but I didn't meet her emotional needs.

and

she wants to find someone who completes here and she wants me to be able to find someone who completes me.

I would strongly suggest you look into this -- INDEPENDENTLY (not just asking her, because if she IS cheating, she'll simply lie about it), for your own protection.

I would also suggest you do NOT do the joint family vacation. If she wants to run away from the family, it's not your job to make everything nicey and normal-y for her to do so. You should consider going with just you and the kids.

Puppy

[2overcome]

I have bought the DR a couple of days ago, and started reading it yesterday during my lunch break. So far I am to pg 120 something. Seeing the marriage roadmap, gave me some hope - as I saw my current situation reflected in on of the phases. If we could just make it through this phase I know our marriage would benefit and be so much stronger. So far I am trying the LRT, doing my best to give her space, not talking about working things out, and not calling her (unless its something important or dealing with our daughter), sounding happy when I talk to her, and trying to be positive. I started doing this yesterday, and she has already asked why the change, and do I feel better about her decision. I told her that I am just figuring things out for myself and trying to move on and work with me.

[PainfulDusk]

Sry you find yourself here ramb and welcome. Like Indy said you will have great support here. Giver her the space she is asking for. Dont chase after her and get tearful. Avoid talks about ur R and by all means go on ur vacation. Keep it FUN. Just have fun if it kills you. If she does go, dOnt talk about ur R or anything else like that. Stay upbeat and happy. Concentrate on ur daughter and make certain she has the vacation of her life. Ur wife will see that and want to be a part of it. Just dont pressure her. Invite her to join in without any expectations. And if she does just smile and keep going.

Dusk

[2overcome]

I am going to start working on myself and becoming a better man for myself. I think I had lost myself over the years and forgot how to live and have fun. I know I am not the same man she married. So I plan on going back to church, making some friends, and going out to have fun. I need to find out who I am and who I could be and stop rolling around in self-pity and not being happy with myself. I have heard it said if you want things to change around you, you must first change yourself. I am not suggesting that I become someone I'm not, but I need to work on my self confidence, self esteem, and finding that strong person in me that I know is trapped in there. I think the fact I wasn't happy with myself might have contributed to pushing her away.

[Gynandtonix]

Hi,
Sorry to see you are here.

Try and Identify what you have done to create this sitch.
Listen to her - DO NOT TALK BACK - just listen and give 'I understand..... or It must have been hard.....' phrases and reassuring noises.
Do not use your contact time to vent your feelings and fears - she doesn't want to hear them - but LISTEN to hers.

Try and create a positive mental attitude.
This is VERY difficult, and I am only occasionally able to do it myself - but it helps.

Consider that she may be having an EA.
Seriously consider it.

Do not snoop, pry or interrogate her about what she is doing. If she tells you what she is doing - and it is hurtful - what will you have achieved? Just more pain.

Accept you can not talk her out of how she feels.

Accept you can not try to talk her out of going for a D.

Accept you are not in control.

Do not tell her you love her. When she replies with silence or 'I know', how does it make you feel - Worse.
She knows how you feel - she did marry you.

Accept that this will not be fixed in days or weeks. You hopefully will only be able to measure it in months, some measure it in years.

It is very painful.
Listen to the advice of others on here - they know their stuff.

Read up in the forums BEFORE she decides to walk out of the family home.

Regards
Gyn.

[2overcome]

Rambler,

I'm sorry you're here, and I know it hurts to hear those things. We've all been there.

I hate to say it, but almost everything your wife is saying would indicate that there's someone else. Especially:

She said "I love you, but not in love with you" thing and that she is not happy and hasn't been for some time. We have been married for almost seven years (7 years next month). She said that I am her best friend, a good man, a good father, and provider, but I didn't meet her emotional needs.

and

she wants to find someone who completes here and she wants me to be able to find someone who completes me.

I would strongly suggest you look into this -- INDEPENDENTLY (not just asking her, because if she IS cheating, she'll simply lie about it), for your own protection.

I would also suggest you do NOT do the joint family vacation. If she wants to run away from the family, it's not your job to make everything nicey and normal-y for her to do so. You should consider going with just you and the kids.

Puppy

I don't think she is having an affair (I know that sounds crazy), and she has always been honest with me, except for one time where she lied about something and she waited up until I came to bed and told me that she had lied and confessed to me. I know when I had typed that part about finding someone that it would set off some red flags...