I might be numb...er than a hake, but I see that your H is still on the fence about your sitch.
He seems to contradict himself almost like he is trying to convince himself, and not you, where he stands.
I do not think or believe for one second your H is done.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I am not the one in a MLC. I want to give my H as much time as he needs to come out of this.
He isn't in MLC. You have diagnosed wrong. He IS however in a 4 year affair. You have convinced YOURSELF of this MLC diagnosis.
Regarding the "friendship." It is fine to be friends and have a friendly relationship. He is WITH another woman and is lying to her and lying to you. What kind of a friend does those things to ANY woman, let alone TWO women fighting for him that he is tellng both that he loves??? If you think that his way of friendship is what true friendship is all about then I agree that you should continue on this way. Why aren't YOU asking these things to yourself and wondering if he IS being a moron for this limbo he has you in? If you doing all the giving and hoping and waiting and having patience and letting this tear you apart deep down inside while you watch a man you love and agreed to spend your life with is a good friendship, then I have to tell you that I am wrong on friendship. If coming and going when he pleaes and letting you hang on the "hope" that he will come out of this is being a good friend, then I agree again that you should just keep on keeping on..
My take is that you can be JUST the kind of friend to him that he is to you. I haven't said to withdraw your friendhsip. I am just suggesting that your way hasn't worked. It really hasn't. Two to four years is more than enough time for ANY man to know that he loves you and CHOOSES to be with you. My wife told me that the best advice about men she ever got was from her mother. "Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?" (good advice MIL) My wife has never forgotten it and said it was the smartest advice she ever got when a man was giving her mixed signals and was all wishy washy. She said she always moved on and started seeing others and they ALWAYS tried to come back at some point. ALWAYS.
A man who LOVES you isn't wishy washy about what he wants. He KNOWS what he wants. He doesn't WANT to LIVE WITHOUT you.
Has it been so long that you have forgotten how much better a relationship is that is MUTUAL? Where the man does some pulling and as much giving to you BECAUSE he cherishes you? Why don't you see that you deserve that type of treatment?
We CARE ladies. We would love to see you reconcile with your WS's. Just love it. I do have to tell you though that I very seldom see the approach you seem to be invested in as working very well. The man just keeps right on in la la land because he CAN. Why would he want to give up TWO women that want him when he can get needs met at both ends? What motivation does HE have? That you have seen the error of YOUR ways?
Most times loving someone is loving them in the way that gives them the most growth. Allowing them to be responsible for their actions. Allowing them to FEEL what they may have done or lost. Letting them realize that the decision isn't all their decision anymore and that even though you will be their friend, you WILL take care of yourself and not be used or taken advantage of because of your giving nature.
That is my take. I think you deserve better and think that you should show them that you not only know it, but WILL get better. If they want to come along with you and your new life adventure then jump on the train now because it is moving on down the track with or without you. Makes no difference to me. I have a life to live and I am going to live it to the fullest.
Most of the men I know in my life experience RESPOND much better to that. Much better. They are moved TOWARD the challenge for some reason. If not, then it is a waste of time anyway. That is my observation and experience to maximize you chances of reconcilitation.
Feeling tired and unwell tonight. I am so grateful for all the contributions. Hijacks always welcome!! The more I read, the better I understand. I'll be back tomorrow night to elaborate. Take care,
Thank you so much for being gentle and kind to us.
Your words are hitting home. You have written to us because you care and it comes through in a warm manner. Your "take" does make perfect sense and says truth.
I actually have tears reading your words and I think it is because I know you are right and it feels like you know us. Also the pain is not buried very far below the surface.
My H and I were high School sweethearts, we have been together for a very long time. We grew up together basically. I know him very well. He and I worked very hard for the same goals. We have a son together, we have acquired many assets together. I do believe that my H was in a MLC and that now you are right he is just a WAS having an affair (a long term affair). I guess I see that your words are true, he isn't going to end his "new found" lifestyle for me and son.
I need to stop being scard to be without him. I need to learn to accept that things between us are forever changed. I can be friendly and kind to him, I need to move forward in my life with my son and without my H. The problem is how. How do I do it? I am like a car stuck on the ice. I just seem to spin my wheels a little forward and a little back actually not moving off the ice at all.......
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Lots to think about here, I agree with Gucci. Thinking back my H came half way across the country to be with me once he found out I'd been out platonically with his friend and that was before we were M. Perhaps we are acting like the WS in that we only want our H back cos they've moved on. Time to move on ourselves and see how it plays out?
I've got a new mantra, the 3 Ds - Dignity (in my actions and dealing with others, not only my H), Detachment (which involves loving detachment, GAL stuff), Determination (the resolve to carry through what I feel needs to be done, when it needs to be done without fear).
Friends who cheat on you and then try and act the smarmy 'let's be friends' do you need them? Civil and courteous is enough for me too.
You certainly have lots to think of here. The only thing I can add is that Gucci is right in that if there is the thought that they have lost you they suddenly want you again.
My H tried to act as though he didn't care if I went and met someone else, said it wouldn't worry him. A few of his close friends kept telling him that they knew he could never live with that thought, at that point his jealous streak kicked in and that is when the hissy fit started because deep down he knew they were right and I too knew he would not take that well - Gucci was correct once he thought he was going to lose me, he chose me and chased me.
One thing my H said to me was that he respected the new found confidence and respect that I seemed to have developed.
I know what you mean entirely but I really can't imagine where I am going to meet guys to go out with at this point. Or perhaps, I don't really want to? Although, it is true that I don't imagine myself as a single for the rest of my days! I am fairly social and H even made a point about that the other day.
Either way, in summary I hear Gucci saying maintain the friendship but get out there. H has to be pushed which hasn't happened until now because he's known I'm around for him. I know I can't live like this. I am thankful for the progress H and I have made and I honestly don't think it's over. However, I deserve more than this and it's time to separate it all and get on with making plans for me.
Either way, in summary I hear Gucci saying maintain the friendship but get out there. H has to be pushed which hasn't happened until now because he's known I'm around for him. I know I can't live like this. I am thankful for the progress H and I have made and I honestly don't think it's over. However, I deserve more than this and it's time to separate it all and get on with making plans for me.
You hit the nail on head here Cas. I know you can't and wouldn't expect you to suddenly start going out and meet someone. You have to be ready in your mind and heart to do that.
But what you have acknowledged is that H is comfortable in the knowledge that you are there and he is comfortable rolling along as is. Of course you can't live like that forever, you are still young enough to enjoy life with someone else who wants to share in the joys of life with YOU. I like you don't think your H is done but you are still entitled to go out and enjoy life regardless. You have put in an extraodinary amount of effort and shown great patience, but you do need to think of yourself for a bit now Cas and what Cas needs and what will bring Cas the happiness that she deserves.
((((((((Cas)))))))
Wish I was closer to you as well, I think we would get along very well together, hopefully one day we will be able to meet.
Thanks so much Oz. It's good to have thoughts validated.
I talked to my boss yesterday and told her that I felt like I was treading water. I've been through all this 'stuff' over 5 years and what for? I'm still in the same job and house and still doing the same things. I need to do stuff for me. It's just tricky at the moment with D's schooling and sport.
Like you, I am sure we would get along very well and I think it's a shame that we can't give personal details here. However, when I next come to Melbourne which I do quite often I will post so we can meet somewhere. I love my times in the city. Last Christmas I stayed in Flinders La. It was fantastic.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself Cas about being in the same job, house etc, you have had a lot to deal with such as your surgery and yes kids and school and their social/sporting activities do make it that bit harder.
I think even if you just start to do some things that you want that don't require you to move or anything drastic like that, it will feel like you are mixing things up a bit.
It would be lovely to meet, so please do let me know when you are next here.
