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NoLongerHere #1862492 10/26/09 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: BillM
I can be your friend,
Personally, my last hurdle which I may or may not even attempt.
Friend? If any of my friends proved to me that their word, promise, commitment (let alone vow) were meaningless, worthless, I would consider that proof positive that they were no longer my friend and, subsequently, I would - and could - no longer be their friend.

Don't know if I will struggle with that or not. Right now that is my position. No malice involved, it is just how I process it.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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I'm sorry, but I just don't see a reason for all the attaboys, here.

Putting your foot down about your wife's infidelity and disrespect definitely warrants an "attaboy".

Spending the whole day with someone until 2 AM and the following day then talking about all this "potential" and giddiness and whatnot does not. This (I believe) is not what robx and gucci advocate. It doesn't sound like you're exploring what might be out there for a single integrated male. It sounds more like the behavior of a junkie who is desperately seeking a new source. This is not what detachment looks like. Genuine peace doesn't happen this fast. IMHO.

Sorry for the 2x4. It has nothing to do with your marriage or your wife, by the way. I just hate to see people looking like they're going to rebound at warp speed; it rarely ends well.


"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes.
Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Kettricken #1862500 10/26/09 08:37 PM
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Was kinda thinking the same thing... smirk



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I understand. Like I said, I think some people will think I'm off my rocker. You have a legitimate opinion, and I'm considering that element myself.

Kettricken #1862522 10/26/09 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: Kettricken
Putting your foot down about your wife's infidelity and disrespect definitely warrants an "attaboy".

Spending the whole day with someone until 2 AM and the following day then talking about all this "potential" and giddiness and whatnot does not.


idk. a couple days ago she was threatening legal action over hitting the power switch on a modem. Now shes facing the consequences of her Infidelity. ATTABOY BILL.

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ATTABOY Bill.....

Do what YOU want... I don't see too much success on this site from those who "wait".. Many are just as emotionally stuck as they were months if not years ago. There is nothing wrong with you now. If you aren't ready to socially interact with the opposite sex then you aren't ready to reconcile with a spouse either.

Waiting around doesn't work.... Moving on DOES...

Social interaction is fine.

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No, you aren't getting it, Steve.

I don't have a problem with him dating; that would be pretty ridiculous considering her choice to build an outside romantic relationship and bail on her marriage. All bets are off, there, IMHO.

No, the red flag is the vibe of readiness to dive straight into the deep end of the pool with a new person. Bill *just* came to accept that despite his desires, the divorce is probably going to happen. The last thing in the world anyone in that position needs is to emotionally latch onto a new person and treat them like a human anodyne. That giddiness is awesome, but it's just a temporary patch. It's a lameass shortcut past doing work on yourself -- even if that work is just the work of self-care and healing and learning how to live well with *yourself* for awhile -- AND it's using someone else toward that end. If his wife just DIED last week, would you advise him to start seriously or exclusively dating someone new???

And if you think it's just awesome to rub a new relationship in someone's face merely to produce pain and payback -- no matter *what* they did to you -- then all I can say is, we're operating under pretty different standards. I'm sure Bill will decide what standards he wishes to operate by.

ETA: Sigh. It's not the dating, Gucci. It's the "We spent all day together 'till 2 in the morning then again the next day, and there's all this spark and potential, wow, wow, wow....." That doesn't sound like simple casual "social interaction", to me. You don't think that's a "Danger, Will Robinson" scenario?

Last edited by Kettricken; 10/26/09 09:27 PM.

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Guys - thank you all, I appreciate the support.

This doesn't have to do with my W, and I'm not trying to manipulate a reaction from her with this.

I think what Kettricken is saying is, is this healthy for me? Is it fair to the other person? This woman does know me, and my W, and I said to her - you know where I am with this. I do not want to be selfish, I do not want to "replace" my W, and I want any next relationship I have to be based on a real foundation, not a reaction.

She has come out of a bad marriage, but is further along in the process. I think she understands all this.

I do not plan to be irresponsible or reckless, and I'm trying to be really aware. It would be EASY to blind myself to red flags.

So - thank you everyone, I value your opinions, supportive and critical.

That said, the hardest part is watching my W go through this now.

It is time for me to move out.

ClingingToHope #1862534 10/26/09 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
Quote:
I told her, I'm not angry with you anymore, you're right that we need to move on with the D. I can be your friend, we can work through this together. So, just making this as productive and easy as possible.

Way back at the beginning a friend told me it's easier to get over someone when you have someone.


Yea but not when your still married.... And it is using someone.
BillM. As with any decision one makes. DB this new friend of yours. Detach and see if the feelings are there in a few weeks. If they are do it again for a few weeks. Take it real slow. Its very easy to get attached right now.

I always read that people really fall apart after the breakup of the relationship after the divorce.

It is an extra complication when emotions get the best of us.

chatterbug #1862548 10/26/09 09:43 PM
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Quote:
You don't think that's a "Danger, Will Robinson" scenario?


Maybe. It's on my mind

Quote:
Take it real slow.


That is my stated intent to her.


Crap, that's not what I did though, is it?

Kettricken, how the heck did you get out of the back of my head and get access to a keyboard?

Yes, I want to be very careful. For everyone's sake.

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