Newbie (again)

[Reincarnated]

Hey, all of my stuff on my online bio is current AND honest!

I have to admit, though - the pickings are slim online.

[dday101798]

Hey, all of my stuff on my online bio is current AND honest!

I have to admit, though - the pickings are slim online.

Well, there's alway the exception to the rule.

So,

I'm going out tonight, I need to blow off some steam, let the hair go and just have some fun. I've been wound up way too tight this week and that just means a vast of problems when I pick up the kids Friday. So, that's it, out tonight to a late-night concert and then spend the day cleaning and shopping tomorrow.

On a seperate note, I think I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up, a child psycholigist, specializing in D trauma. That's what has had me so wound up I think. Then of course, when thinking of the kids and how un-happy they say they are, I can't help but to think of XW. I REALLY wish she would just marry that troll already and seal the deal once and for all. I so want to go on with my life. I'm sick of being sick of being stuck.

On a different note, it's funny that somone brought up the trying to date again and made me reference my 2 attempts yesterday. One called and left this long drug out message and the other sent 2 texts yesterday. Hadn't heard from either in a bit. So I was just like, ok, who's next? XW? Of which, I certainly hope I don't run into her at the concert tonight. It's a band we both had great times seeing and really kept us going during the waining years of the M.

Anyway, since I'm off tomorrow, I'm gonna have to clear my desk today, off to work.

[dday101798]

LOL, Oh my, what did I say last week that I shall no longer give any indepth thought to the 10:17, 10/17 concept now forward, and my last post WAS at........10:17, I love to test myself I guess.

Nice quiet, yet expensive weekend with the boys. I'm really dreading balancing my account later, but, hey, they had fun. We went to dinner Friday night as normal and then went home and watched a couple of movies. Saturday, bummed around, did some shopping, made some awsome steaks and greenbean cassarole. Then opted at last momoent to go to cosmic bowling. They had fun, i'm paying the price, financially and physically, now I know why the Dr. hasn't cleared my yet for that kind of stuff. Yesterday, watched the race on TV and just vegged. The took them out to dinner again before returning them 'home'.

Then there's the X front........

Friday night, as time drew closer, I figured she wouldn't be dropping them off as requested. So, I started heading over to get them, and low and behold S12 is blowing up my phone. When I finally got a second I texted back: "Mom was supposed to drop you off, I'm on my way". Got a few more calls, one from XW procaliming she knew nothing about dropping them off.

When I got there, I was fine. XW came out and started re-iteratting she didn't know, I said we talked about it last time that I'd like you start dropping them off. Xw then said, "Well, we were supposed to talk about it and you never called me this week". As I was about to state, the phone goees 2 ways, her neighbor from across the street (has a few screws loose) intrudes, and begins a 5 minute tangent about the crappy weather and where I had parked my truck, that we were standing right behind, lights still on, but she made it point to say I was blocking the hydrant.

Long story short, the boys were getting aggitated and wanted to leave, so did I as OOM kept peering out the windows at us. Then I noticed they already wrecked the car and 'our' Trans Am that has been slowly rotting away had quite an extensive ticket collection. Then, Xw's neighbor says, "Oh, I better you all go, I'm holding you up" and then XW delivered the kicker, with no remorse no thought what so ever right in front of the boys "Oh, now, we're divorced, the boys are jsut going iwth their father for the weekend". Yeah, I know it's the truth and all, but to just candidly blurt it out like that with no thought, how does she do it?

So at that point I had enough, held "her" check up in the air at her and the boys and loaded up in the truck. As soon as I'm ready to pull out, she's tapping at my glass which I roll down "Dylan, please save me from her" and if I'm not mistakened slipped the "honey" word at the end, maybe I heard wrong. Of course at this point I was stung a bit and tired of losing the little time I get with the boys and became a bit cold. Which insued her "Why are you always mad at me?". I kept it simple with a I'm not mad at you, I've had my fill and want to go. Xw just repeatedly said have a nice weekend to us.

I felt bad and texted her "aorry about last night" on Saturday, no reply. S11 tried calling her numerous times on her cell and land line in loserville, no reply.

Yesterday morning a new problem developed. I received a 3rd party investigation claim on S12's behalf for his "accident" when he cut his knee open in OM's car trunk. So, the state is not far behind.

At dinner, XW sent a cutsy message wanting to know what time I was bringing the "monsters" back. Of course she herself was back 5 minutes after the indicated time I gave her. I had no choice but to park in front of the house and htus OM pulled OUR car up right behind me.

They took forever getting out? XW finally emerged and as we started talking OM strolls past with a blacker then normal smug look? XW was very talkitive and in a decent tone until her drunk uncle drove around 3 time looking for a parking spot and XW's mouth went into full trucker mode.

Anyway, we talked about S11's "strepthroat" being allergies, he cleared up over the weekend. She said she wouldn't know what from but agreed. I did indicate the fact of all the cigarette smoke in the car with her and OM sure doesn't help (S11 has asked her repeatedly not ot and XW said she didn't at the Dr. exam).

XW then addimently asked again if we could talk at some point this week. I said that is fine, the phone works both ways. She then said "well you're not going to get all 'gay' with me will you?", I could only say, now that's the type of attitude to really make me want to look forward to the "conversation". She apollogized and said "we need to talk".

At his point I sent both boys in and asked her to please provide a copy of S12's adoption papers as I was having a hard time with insurance company's to that regard. Then asked camly what happened to S12 when he cut his knee open as I have paperwork to complete. She looked she crapped herself for a second. The whole while OM kept poking his head out the door and windows. Heh, I had half an incling to grab her butt and kiss her on the cheek the final time, but thought better of it and just lether know she seems expected inside and left.

So another sleepless night.

What's up with OM's overly survelant behaviour?

What's up with XW's change of tone?

And what in the world is so important she "needs" to talk about?

At least the psych sessions are paying off. My cousin thought XW and I had zero interaction with each other when I got back since I was in a ok mood. She was shocked when I told her all this.

So, something's a brewing and it's coming very, very soon, stay tuned.

[dday101798]

Oh, one thing I did forget. After the boys repeatedly grilled me about what I had done last weekend I casually asked why XW was mad about the picture I sent her (the wine bottle and my glass on our anniversary). S11 spilled the beans and said she wasn't mad, but thought I had sent it to make her upset, but, she, on that day , at that time, appears to have been doing the same thing?

hmmmmmm.

[NoCodeBlues]

Dday,

Be careful trying to read anything into what your ex says or does. In fact, just don't do it at all is probably the best policy, as you just cannot rely on anything a WAS says or does. You know: believe nothing they say and only half of what they do as being true.

The OM playing surveillance is just typical and to be expected -- seriously, would you really trust someone who has already proven to be capable of infidelity, even if that offense was done on your own behalf? No, the both of them now have to look over their shoulders constantly now -- not a swell way to live, is it?

[dday101798]

Hey NCB,

Thanks for droppin gin. Yeah, As I going though and getting caught up on posts of more 'active' situations of tha matter, I was reminded, that they are only nice when they want something. Smacked myself in the fore head as I realized, "dang nab it, I almost fell right into this crappot all over again".

You know, I hope it's just they eloped or something, that would be a HUGE relief factor and final proof to say to myself to stop looking over my shoulder for her.

I just don't know, until that or something else, there are jsut still far too many un-answered qustions. Far too much left un-done.

Sure, I got the "you did this to me", or "you did that, so that's why it's your fault" mumbo-jumbo we all get. But then I got the voluntary rebuttles. I got the voluntary admission of her own faults.

It's the things I didn't get. I didn't get the "I hate you's", I didn't get the "I don't love you anymore". She can't say it. She can't hide that supressed version of herself whom was the person I put on the highest pedastil possible. And that person won't lie to me like that. So there's still something in there.

I know when she's lying. I know when she's the person she's become. The two versions of her are entirely different. Last night, she was near close to being the same version of herself that when 11 months ago was so uncertain, so confused and hurt, that just the simple touch of my fingertips on her arm and me telling her to do what she knows is right, her response was to do an about face turn to me and cling me in this death grip like hug for 5 nimutes non-stop, crying, and still tot his day, can not offer an explination as to why.

Believe me NCB, I will do my best to have my b/s dectector primed, tuned and ready. And I will do my best to not fall into anything loosly put by her.

Bottom line, I just simply don't have much left to lose. So, if I give her the benefit of the doubt on anything, it will only be for gain. And I will also do my best to post it here first before I give any diffinative response to anything she says.

The looks from OM. Heh, well, I'm not sure what to say there still. XW has proclaimed in the past that she has told him of her continued feelings for me and that ahs also been a reason for not running off and marrying him, and if true, putting it off indefinately.

Plus, like I said before, not to boost my ego, but I'm not such a bad catch in the looks department, I have forged a much stronger bond despite the curent odds with my kids and became a better, more focused father. I am also now voicing myself A LOT more than ever. That's got to be clanging around in that head of hers somewhere. To say ANYTHING of the constant reminders she has daily of the life she faces to live with this character. It surely is nowhere remotley close to anything she had with when we were together, and thus, where is the fairytale afterall?

[karen43]

It's the things I didn't get. I didn't get the "I hate you's", I didn't get the "I don't love you anymore". She can't say it. She can't hide that supressed version of herself whom was the person I put on the highest pedastil possible. And that person won't lie to me like that. So there's still something in there.

Yeah, probably way deep down she's partly who you married. But she also is the person she's become now too. I mean that's just as much a part of her too. And you deserve better than that.

And I don't see the fairytale either. I think the cheating princes quickly turn into frogs, and the princesses too. And they both find they have frogs instead of the fairytale. I've been thinking lately maybe that is a good thing; the frogs have each other and the LBS can go out looking for the fairy-tale (of a normal person)?

[dday101798]

I've been thinking lately maybe that is a good thing; the frogs have each other and the LBS can go out looking for the fairy-tale (of a normal person)?

Heh, good one!

[dday101798]

It's the things I didn't get. I didn't get the "I hate you's", I didn't get the "I don't love you anymore". She can't say it. She can't hide that supressed version of herself whom was the person I put on the highest pedastil possible. And that person won't lie to me like that. So there's still something in there.

Yeah, probably way deep down she's partly who you married. But she also is the person she's become now too. I mean that's just as much a part of her too.

The point that there's the supressed former of herself and the person she has become I get, and is not the the thing that still bothers me and is sitll the only answer offred up even by WAW's when I've asked before. The question is why hasn't she followed that part of script as almost everyone else? Why does she not blame me solely? Why doesn't she hate me? Why does she still love me? And won't she let it go?

And just to say cake eating, still doesn't cut it. I think there'a a serious identity crisis in there somewhere what it is. I just don't want to turn my back, not just yet, call me stupid, I don't care. I don't want to be the one of us to make that decision that finally makes it 'too late'. I don't think I could live with myself.

Yes I deserve better, and I deserve happiness, I know.

[mishka422]

Sure, I got the "you did this to me", or "you did that, so that's why it's your fault" mumbo-jumbo we all get.

I didn't get any of that. I got the other stuff...ILYBINILWY, it's just not the same, we've grown apart, blah blah blah. Of course, that is my xh's way of being passive-agressive and making sure that I start questioning my sanity entirely. Yeah, it worked....

Yes I deserve better, and I deserve happiness, I know.

Yes, yes you do, but you know you make your own happiness, right?