Long Journey .......... advice please

[dolphin_05]

Thanks Dia. That is helpful to know. I am trying to keep a balance here of not pestering him but also maintaining some kind of comfortable contact. If we see each other or chat on the phone or even text it's friendly and upbeat. I liked his reference to my past career dream.

It's his birthday next week and I still haven't decided what to do. Again, it has to be low key and no real pressure but I want to remember/celebrate it this year.

[Sanderika]

Hello Cas,

From where I sit, after reading up on your past two weeks, I would say things between you and H have taken a definite turn onto Friendship Road.

The key is to create the atmosphere with your H that you are warm to him and forgive him, showing him that you harbor no grudges and blame for his choice. Showing concern and validation to him come naturally after that. This, they see and with patience, time and consistent behaviors from you will grow the friendship and then the "road" widens for other possibilities.

I am fully convinced that our marriages have no hope of reconciliing unless we re-create the friendship first. After we realize the pain in their hearts and minds from the marriage breaking up then we can understand the long "road" ahead to re-build the friendship. I have lived this. My H and I are friends. Our friendship grows stronger all of the time.

I see you and your H doing the same. This is not easy. I see that your H is warming and growing more content and easy with interactions with you. This is to be nurtured with time and patience and consistency.

NC is a great tool in several ways...for me it has allowed me to grow separately. It allows H to wonder about me. It gives us endless topics to discuss when we do encounter one another. It allows us time to miss one another's company.

For our H's, Ladies I believe this, they were hurt very deeply by us in a manner we didn't realize was happening. It cut them hard. The "road" back is long and difficult, it is a trust issue for them. They built the wall between us to protect themselves. The MLC was a product of the pain. They have brought OW into their lives to fill a void we left open. It will take us time to re-gain their trust and break down the wall.

For me 'n H the wall is coming down. For you, Cas 'n H, the wall is coming down. Protect the progress. Be honest and good to H to maintain the current status and then with time he will be able to trust you and be open to reciprocate.

I have lived by this for a long time now. I wouldn't give up and I am grateful for the current status. I believed from the beginning the work would be up to me. I took it on with earnest and I think H is also happy (and surprised) that we are at this place together.

H is still with OW. I am fine with that. I haven't changed my mind. I am able to now see it clearly. I now have accepted it all. Things can still change. I won't initiate any longer, it is H who now initiates our contacts. I have to think that NC from me has been a valid tool. Letting go is a valid tool. Accepting "What is....is" is a valid tool. Time is a tool. This is a learning process for both parties.

Sorry to ramble, Cas. I see you have come as far as me. Your H is warming. Things can and will change as long as you maintain your outlook and treatment towards H.

(((((Cas)))))

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Just when you least expect it, Sanderika pops in! Thanks so much for your thoughts and impressions and hugs to you because I know that things are still very difficult for you at the moment. I appreciate the way you can reach out so generously to others.

It's true, Sanderika, I do feel there is something different with H and me. Now this is just my ramblings ladies....trying to sort stuff in my head.

Last night I flicked through my journal and I noted that H used to do a lot more for me than he does now. He did random things around the house like the pool or spray the weeds and popped in quite a lot for a visit. I was quite surprised how much he was doing for me and how often he was seeing me. However, for every period of positive contact there was then a major pull back with a temper tantrum.

Things seem different now. There's no assistance around the house and as I said yesterday he isn't just popping in any more. On the flip side, things seem more comfortable and as I said in my earlier post he responds positively to anything I initiate. So, overall I am having much less contact but it's more consistent and seemingly calmer. I'm wondering about this change.

Is he staying away because he is happier that way and his positive reponse to my initiations is simply just to be polite?

Perhaps his previous interactions and assistance around the house were based on guilt??

Did my NC put up a barrier and now H doesn't feel as confident to pop in for a visit anymore? Since NC I haven't asked for any assistance. Maybe he thinks I don't need him anymore.

I know I'm more detached. Perhaps H feels this and has responded accordingly. Perhaps he doesn't feel like I'm available for him to pop in whenever he feels like it and he's respecting that? Perhaps he is waiting for me to do the initiating as we do when we're being polite? Oz's thought was that H is showing more respect for me and perhaps he is simply waiting for the invitation so that he doesn't overstep the mark?

Who knows?

I thought about this as a result of our texts yesterday when he said he didn't come in to visit because he didn't know if I'd want him to. Dia's post gave me the thought that perhaps this is a totally new phase in our relationship.

I was supposed to get back to H with some financial stuff and I emailed him to apologise as I hadn't got to it and he said ok. Previously this would have really annoyed him.

Enough rambling..... I'm going to my nephew's birthday party today. It's a beautiful day so it should be lovely.

[Eskimo Nell]

Wise words from Sanderika ... she's a marvel, isn't she? What more is there to say?

[Eskimo Nell]

You are becoming so much more comfortable with everything Cas and that's good for your physical self, as well as your emotional side.

Enjoy the party - I hope that it's a glorious day with you.

[Sanderika]

Cas,

Of course this is a shot in the dark......

We are really not sure of the goings on through their minds......

I think H is at a place where he is perhaps analyzing what you are doing. The NC, upbeat, got-it-altogether Cas is not what he expected to run into.

I think he is "proceeding with caution". I kind of see him behaving like he is walking into the woods after dark.

I think his words "I didn't come in to visit because I wasn't sure you wanted me to" is something to work on. This says volumns. H has realized a consequence. The consequence he is seeing is that Cas can manage without me. Cas is getting things done without me. Cas is happy without me. Cas is moving on. Maybe Cas doesn't want/need me in her life anymore. Maybe this is the end of the road for us.

I realize this is an image and your wants and preferences would be the opposite.

I think you can use this to your advantage. I think you already are. I think this could be a perfect chance to change your sitch.

I would be more engaging with H when he's around. Invite him inside with a smile and warmth. Offer him a drink or snack. Engage him in a conversation all about him and his interests and job. Be green grass.....Stroke his ego....tell him he looks nice or how nice it is to see him. Cas, reach out to him.....

Invite him out again for a beach walk, walk in the direction of a coffee shop or pub.

Men also like to feel needed. They want to be the hero. They are problem solvers. When the next real problem creeps up, call H for advice or solicit his help.

Test the waters here.....

I hear all your concerns. I have thought about them all. My sitch was a bit different. In the beginning and until about a year ago my H wouldn't do a thing for me. He on occasion now will offer help.

It's all just thoughts....hope I have helped.

Have a great week, (((((Cas))))).

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

On the run tonight Sanderika so I will pop back tomorrow to write a response.

Just to say today H dropped in mail to me which was sent to our PO box; it wasn't anything urgent. He rang the doorbell and gave it to me. I couldn't stay to chat cos I was on my way to the physio. Interesting that he personally dropped by as he will see the kids tomorrow and could have given it to them to pass on or he could have put it in the letterbox.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hey Cas - I like what I am reading here .... is this maybe 'our' time on the board??? It's about time, if so!!

Keep on being patient and tread gently ... Sanderika, as always, has some really good points to make here.

I'm praying for you - and me too!! If and when you read my thread, you will understand why!! In fact, tonight I am doubling up my prayers for us all.

[Eskimo Nell]

PS - I'm not an overtly religious person - I "pray" to hedge my bets in that there must be a greater being than us and I trust that my words permeate the Universe and get to whoever it was that put us here in the first place!! Just thought that I would clear that one up.

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Your H WANTED to see you. Plain and Simple!!!!!

Very interesting, girlfriend. I wonder how it would have gone had you not had to run out so fast. Maybe you would have got an invite for a beach walk and a coffee, Hmmmmmmm......


I'm not religious either ladies.....I can sure say I have been doing a lot of praying. I have been praying and hoping for all of us and our H's and marriages. I have even been sleeping on only one side of the bed instead of in the middle, the way the "law of attraction" works. Got this from reading "The Secret". I gotta try something.....I would be a liar if I said I was happy with the current state.

Cas, you could use this to invite H again. You could email or ring him and say...."It was nice for you to stop by with the letter, I was sorry I had to leave for physio. Would you like to ( ) with me this afternoon?"

I think you have caught his eye......(hope I am right)!!!!

I will check in later to hear the rest of the story.

(((((Cas)))))

Sanderika