Seriously, you need to quit with these feelings of anomosity against your X. Even tho you only post them here, they are in almost every post so don't even try for a nano-second say that you're over it, you're not. LET IT GO. Your X can carry all the anger and angst against you she wants as mine does. Guess what? I let mine go, and I'm not losing any sleep over the fact she hasn't. That's her choice to be infintile. I tell her I gave her what she wanted and can give no more and see no point in it. End of story.
As for as conversation with the kids: this should ahve been implimented A LONG, LONG time ago. You know the moment one of your kids talks about your X and OM or each individualy you're going get emotional. STOP THE CONVERSATION DEAD IN IT'S TRACKS BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS. The moment my S12 even starts, I in a tone say S12's name, hold up my hand and half the time I don't even have to say "stop". Boom, done. I think you've let yours go about this for far too long and now they feel it's okay, and guess what? They will use that to play the "mommy versus daddy" game to get what they want.
It's now going to take you quite some time to get them in the practice of knowing you don't want to hear about. You don't need to hear about. Why? What are you geting out of it? What are they getting out of it? But it needs to stop. For you, for them, and hell even for your X. Because soon those things you don't want to hear about, will then be conveyed by them upon your X an dit just might be the message from planet Earth to what ever planet WAS congregate on to signal a problem.
Capeche?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
You're right, I know that. I am recognizing that S8 would only bring these words up only to garner a reaction out of me. Even the silence -- that pregnant pause before I give him a reply and tell him to drop it -- is undoubtedly enough of a reaction to satisfy his subconscious aims.
(Who says an Asperger's kid can't read subtle emotions? Mine is getting very adept at this!)
I am still struggling, yes. It's taking me some time to learn to take these things in stride. I've come a long way, but I have so much farther to go, obviously. But I do recognize the key to this is my attitude, and I have allowed my animosity towards xW to continue to fester with each negative interaction with her. Until I can replace this in my mind and heart with the many blessings and other positives in my life, I will be stuck in this Wilderness.
For my S's sake I have to get better at being a duck and letting the water roll off my back.
I had a pretty good weekend. I t was mostly quiet but I had a good time with friends over at the new house of my friend M, who I helped move in a couple of weeks ago. It was a dinner/wine-tasting party that was followed up by our bible study. We talked and watched the accompanying DVD by Ed Young (his series on betrayal and forgiveness), then talked some more. A very enjoyable evening.
...
Before that, in the morning, I got some emails from xW. The first one was very odd but the ones after that were just the same old same old -- she was grousing about the CS amount and I was gently telling her to calm down and review the worksheet I had printed out to her. The figures were all there in the attachment I included with the monthly check, but she kept asking why this and why that -- I just referred her back to the printout. Her problem is that she thinks I am cheating her because my CS payment to her is not quite half the school, daycare and other fees for our S's, but I had to inform her that there are more expenses than that, including medical and dental coverage which I am picking up entirely (including the deductibles she refuses to pay for and for which I still get the bills.) Again it was all there in black & white for her to see herself, she was just failing to really look at it (she worked in accounting when we first met, so I know she's not that obtuse where such calcs come in.)
But back to the first email, the one that preceded this quibbling over the CS amounts. She said that she understood that I was having difficulties with the high cost of rent and services in the apartment complex I currently reside in, and that I was trying to look for some place more affordable -- so she said she would not oppose me moving into the same apartment complex she lives in -- just so long as I make sure it is in one of the other buildings away from either the one she lives in or the one her mother lives in.
I haven't said anything here in these forums yet about this. Likewise, I have not given any sort of response to her about that strange message either. I don't think there's really anything to say about it and, besides, we got sidetracked soon after by the other emails. What is so odd about this is that last year when she moved into that apartment complex she told me in no uncertain terms that I was to not even think of relocating into the same apartments. She made a very vehement demand that I not try to do anything she might construe as me invading her privacy or crowding her freedom.
So what to make of this? ---> Only what I already know: she's a nutcase.
Well, with my X, when I made the announcement that I was leaving the marital residence that was barely 4 blocks from where she was staying, she begged and pleaded me not to leave. She went so far as to say she needed the 'closeness'. Why? Who knows. She said for the kids. But in reality, it was a major pain in the arse being so close, walking past 'her house' every day going to work and coming home, seeing OM's car there. It also enabled her to pick up or dump off the kids at her own leasure. And most of all, enabled her to stroll over whenever she wanted and corner me into converation, be it good or bad.
So, hindsight, I still have a mixture of feelings in regards to that request. I'm sure there was some good itnent to it, but it seemed more like a convenience factor. To say anything of the fact that I was the 'undertaker' of all her possessions she left behind.
Thus, since I'm still not sure what happened in my stich, I'm not sure what to tell you on this. I will say take those points I made and question if the potential good outwieghs the potential bad case scinerios.
Hell, instead of wondering about it, do as I did and just flat out ask her why she'd make such a recomendation and judge her reaction from there (and it would be helpful to bar the notion of being a nutcase at the time )
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Yeah, these thoughts have already passed through my head. Although the apartment complex xW is in was originally my first choice two years ago when I moved out (they had no vacancies at the time), and even though I have since been envious of xW claiming those apartments before I could last year prior to selling our house (they're the closest apartments to S8's elementary school), I would have to really think hard about whether I really would even want to live there now.
Like you said, I would hate seeing the OM's car over there constantly. I don't know what I would do if I had more opportunities to run into that fraktard. On the other hand, I suppose if I was in one of the buildings furthest away that would greatly minimize that from happening.
The main thing is that I am certain she would use the closer proximity to her own selfish advantage -- dumping the boys off on me at any and every opportunity, just like she does with her mother now (who has her own place there now too). But then she used to do that all the time before her mother returned to town anyway -- and I don't really mind seeing my S's. It might be nice knowing that the boys could easily walk over to their dad's place any time they felt they needed to. Of course that might begin to present a problem if/when I start dating again. I'd like for my own privacy to be respected too, especially now that the M is dead and gone, buried in the dirt of the big D.
Something to think about. Right now I am tending to think it might be more trouble than any advantage it might offer. Still, it bears a little thought.
...
I go to the Parenting Coordinator (PC) tomorrow for my first one-on-one, just an introduction, I guess, to let us tell our stories to him and set the groundwork. Since xW was "blessed" with being able to visit with him last week, i.e, first, I am wondering what she's already said to try to poison the PC against me.
Oh, well, just need to worry about just those things I can control, nothing else.
Did you meet with the PC yet? If so, how did it go? Hard one on the apt. complex b/c of your boys, but not only your XW lives there, but your evil MIL? Plus, I think when you start dating, your X is going to not be happy about that, and would be too easy for her to keep tabs on you. And the OM....Is there an apt. complex nearby but not the same one?
I don't know NCB, sounds accomodations at Charles Manson's Mansions if you ask me
I'd be exploring other options not so close, but perhaps close enough for the kids as I completely hear ya on that aspect, I do miss the kids being able to come over when ever tehy wanted, especially when XW "needs her phone" so they can't call.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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