Good news that you had a positive experience with your H over the weekend. Yes, you are right, trying not to push or get everything across at once is downright difficult but that is where you have to develop self control to hold stuff back.
Use this positive experience Nell to build your self esteem and to confirm that you are a new woman, in control of your emotions and your own self and your destiny. You are now becoming the new Nell not the old Nell that your H knew.
Depending on what you want to do in the future with regards your M Nell, all this is helping you become a stronger person Nell able to move into the future with confidence with or without your H.
Oh and yes, I think we all put our H's on a pedestal for a long time and then suddenly realise that they aren't perfect and need to earn our respect for a change.
Thanks ladies! I do feel better this past few days.
I have gone over yesterday 1,000 times in my mind and have analysed from small to large events - I guess that I'm looking for stuff and second guessing, which I know is wrong. However, it makes me feel better - for ME.
I did note that H was not exuding happiness and he now has physical symptoms which he is going to see a GP about. I gave him my diagnosis and he agreed - he is stressed. I asked him why he thought that was - I was sure that he now had all that he wanted ... he guffawed and said "yeah right - what do you THINK I am stressed about?" Five months down the track, is that good or bad?
He really distressed me with one comment that he made "if I hadn't left, I would have commited suicide" ... I thanked him for making me feel so good about myself - that he would say that to me - that I could make anyone feel that way. It broke my heart - I have no idea of even WHY he has actually left, never mind that he felt this bad. The more I look for an answer to this question, the more he tells me it's a 'cheesless tunnel' (not that he knows that term).
He then went on to say that it was my fault that he had to leave as I was so verbally abusive after the bomb was dropped - ha! go figure. Yes, too right I was - shall we call it anger, hysteria, disbelief, retaliation?? Anyhow, his comment about the suicide has quite literally tipped me upside down as I would NEVER EVER have even thought of that entering my H's head - he's far too sensible, level headed and even egotistical to think such a thing. I can only view this as him trying to punish me even more for what has happened :o(
Despite this, H made a few faux pas which I'm not sure that he even realised. He showed jealousy in one remark that I made about having someone over for dinner. I asked if he would take some meat out of the freezer back with him and he agreed, though looked perplexed, with me being a veggie. When I explained that there were two meat options for dinner and my guest had chosen the other, he refused to take it!! I chuckled about that and can still get a grin from it!! I just wonder what he thought and who he thought my dinner guest was?!! That was certainly short, blunt and mysterious working at it's best - his face was priceless!!
I watched with interest and amusement each time he slipped back into almost being H - and seemingly 'enjoying' it ... yet the pullbacks were immediate as he realised what he was doing.
H goes on his business trip tomorrow so I shan't hear a thing now. I shall remain nc as long as I can ... certainly until next week at the earliest and review the situation then. I know that going dark does not work for either of us.
People at work have commented today how happy I look as we start the new week (they know nothing of our S) and must think that I am normally a right miserable person!! Makes me chuckle but flip the coin and it makes me sick that it is purely crumbs from H that can put a smile back on my face and a spring in my heart.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
What is it with the WAS that they dont want us but dont want anyone else to have us either! Nothing wrong with a bit of analysing as long as you dont get to hung up on it, and if seeing their faux pas, and struggling to keep their fascade up gives you a giggle then why not, seems a bit sweet revenge known again knowing its not all roses for them.
I do think his comment about if he had stayed he would have committed suicide is unfair, he has put all the onus on you to make him happy and not himself, if that comment comes up again, dont take credit for his life. What I mean is you were quick to say, how very kind of you to make me feel bad, next time short sentance of "Im not responsible for what you have allowed your life to become" same as I said to my H "Im not clearing up your rubble, you built the wall either do the maintenance or clear up after its fallen down"
Sit back and wait now hun, dont get over enthausiatic hes got a long way to go before you see anything more, indulge in me time as much as you can and enjoy it, I know I have got a bit too caught up in H's is coming every thing must be perfect, but it cant be something you cant keep up for ever otherwise you will be back to square one again!
See you in the burrow later maybe!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Ignore the comment your H made about suicide, a) he most likely won't even remember having said that to you now and b) he was just trying to shift blame to make himself feel better. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and you must remember that.
Your H will no doubt be realising that his life is now not what he thought it would be away from you, they all do that, you know grass is greener, but find out it isn't because they don't get it that it is no one or anything that makes them unhappy, it is themselves and only themselves. That is why you can't think about your conversation with him too much, don't own any of his insecurities or issues.
Hope you have a good day at work. Thinking of you Nell
He really distressed me with one comment that he made "if I hadn't left, I would have commited suicide" ... I thanked him for making me feel so good about myself - that he would say that to me - that I could make anyone feel that way. It broke my heart - I have no idea of even WHY he has actually left, never mind that he felt this bad.
It may well be that this is post hoc justification for actions which he feels guilty about. I wonder though, if you might consider viewing his statement as not about you, that you could make anyone feel that way, but as about him - about the depth of his pain and/or depression.
He may not have said that to make you feel bad about yourself or to blame you, but to try to convey to you that he did not make the decision to leave lightly.
I wonder what would happen if you simply validated that "you must have been in a great deal of pain." I don't know, but it could be that he would begin to talk a bit about it. (Or he may just be a butthead. Hard to say)
My h can't remember anything of the hurtful things he said post bomb and when I questioned over a year later and quoted the most hurtful thing back he said it was untrue and he had no idea why he said it. However, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't take a look at your actions. It really helps with your 180s.
Thanks for your comments ladies. I discussed this with C last evening and she felt that it was probably not so - just more of the need to punish me and articulated as strongly as words could muster.
Thinking about it, H was talking a few months back (pre-bomb) about taking a course in assertiveness. Looking back on his actions, I wonder if his keen desire to achieve has assisted him to attain his goals and why his leaving was apparently done so very quickly ... I don't know how or why he was able to act so swiftly - I always struggled to get him to make important decisions and yet on this, he acted by himself and very, very fast. I also wonder if he did the course - though he never mentioned it, I'm pretty sure it would have been an on-line thing.
I'm also sure that he must have been in a lot of pain, though I can not understand why and I still can't get him to tell me. Evidently the carrot on the stick was the bigger pull but it does nothing for my forward progression or healing my head and heart. How can I resolve this issue in my own mind if I can't get him to verbalise what went wrong for him/us?? It's so frustrating.
I do believe that it's true in that they don't remember stuff that they have said. I have related things to H that he now denies - and then makes out like I have gone off!
I got an email from his folks last evening which I felt that I had to respond to today. I kept it short and sweet, injected no humour as I normally would, but purely answered the most of their questions, other than what was I doing with myself. I feel that it was a 'duty' email from them which they just added some 'love' for good measure as I had emailed them congrats on their anniversary.
A few months back, after I had responded to the in-laws email, H's sister got really upset and told me not to contact the in-laws again as it upset them too much. A big argument ensued and the result was that H backed my corner against his sister - which was really comforting at the time. Therefore, I copied H to my response to them this evening, so that there can be no 'he said, she said' and H knows exactly what I have said to his parents. H knew that they were probably going to email me as he mentioned it on Sunday.
H has no qualms about me being in touch with them and, of course, I deliberately steered away from mentioning H at all, other than to mention that he had been here on Sunday.
Very tired as we are now on hump day. The weekend can't come soon enough, surprised though I am to say it. I'm feeling emotional again today and have been fighting off the tears for much of the day. I'm out tonight helping a neighbour with some tax affairs and certainly am looking forward to my bed when I get home.
I find myself talking to myself in the car now and begging the Universe to send H home to love me again. I feel like I'm losing the plot sometimes.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
