UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[goodattitudegirl]

Nell,

How are you feeling today? The issues you're facing are not easy. Please be kind to yourself.....pamper yourself a bit. I know it is difficult to think about doing the things that Julia suggests. When my DB coach suggested those same things I thought to myself "How can I do that? That is counter to every (survival) instinct I have." But I DID do those things and I think that they led to the best possible outcome that I could have had from the "hand I was dealt". Friends and family who questioned this approach continue to be amazed at how much this approach and the friendship that was cultivated between H and myself helped in the negotiations I had with my H. Within the first few days after the bomb my closest family and friends were advising me to put all of H's belongings out on the curb. But I didn't take that advice. I chose the DB route. Jody (DB coach) told me that if I cooperated with H it would SUPERCHARGE the 180s. This didn't mean that I cooperated fully with H. I just let him take the lead and do the legwork himself.

One year later, after a lot of prayers, karma, and H's generosity, this is where my sitch led me (sorry, long post, but I hope there is something in here that will be useful to you or someone else):

1) 2 months after the bomb H wanted to have our home appraised so that he could enforce the terms of our prenup. Our home had lost ~15-20% of its value because of the recession. It was clear that H was trying to take the house from me because he made more money than me and I didn't have any prospects for making more income, so wouldn't be able to buy the home myself.

2) 1 month later out of the blue (divine intervention I believe) I was offered a full-time job that gave me ~70% more income (more than H) and allowed me to work 25 hr/week less. I could now qualify to buy our home myself!

3) H filed for D 1 month later, 4 months post-bomb (he didn't know that I was considering a job change. I had been advised by attorney to keep this quiet). H began to withhold part of his share of the mortgage and household expenses.

4) 2 weeks later I told H about job offer and that I would work ~25 hr/week less than before (H said he left because I worked too much). His attitude toward me noticeably softened. When I took the new job, H actually spent ~4 hours helping me move out of my old office.

5) Our first and only court date was 1 month later (5 months post-bomb). My lawyer notified H and his attorney that I had first option to buy our home because H had violated our prenup by withholding financial support for our home.

H was shocked. He and his attorney had missed this point in a document attached to the pre-nup. I had done my homework (WORDS OF WISDOM: read everything Nell. Don't trust your attorney to do this for you. He/she will have a lot of clients. You need to know everything about your case and ask your attorney appropriate questions. THEN.....let your attorney be the the BAD guy/gal. That way your H can't be directly upset with you. He will blame it on the attorney. In my case, H became very irritated with HIS attorney after this point. I was annoyed with my attorney too. H and I began to bond over our mutual disdain for our attorneys, so even THAT situation was used as a bonding experience for us.

6) I got a second appraisal for our home. The value of our home had dropped even further. I negotiated a sales price for our home that was even lower than the first appraisal. Five months after the 1st appraisal I was able to turn this situation around to my advantage. H ended up buying a home in a less desirable neighborhood. He now complains that he spent too much for it.

God, the universe, and I had really turned the tables on H. I took every opportunity I had (there haven't been a lot) to show H's friends and colleagues how happy I was that I had changed jobs. Told them "H was right. I really DID work too much. I am much happier now". I left it to his friends/colleagues to draw their own conclusions about why H was doing what he is doing.

7) Over the next 2 months H and I negotiated the terms of our D decree. I made him initiate all meetings. We always talked at our home (where I was living). I DB'ed my ar$e off. I baked fresh olive loaf, served wine, had cinnamon candles burning, and had a fire in the fireplace. The house looked immaculate and I looked great! These meetings gave me the only opportunity I've had to date to see some of H's sadness. He actually admitted that we really HAD had some wonderful times together. These sessions led us into firm friendship territory by 9 months post-bomb.

8) We have been in friendship territory for the past 4 months even though he had a 2 month relationship with a woman during that time. I'm sure she didn't know that he was exchanging a lot of e-mails with me and spending evenings at the house with me from time to time, exchanging warm hugs and chaste kisses during that period.

9) Even though H and I haven't reconciled, over the past year we made many more very nice memories together. We shared laughs and continue to have a warm bond. I prefer this to the feeling of loss (like a death) that I would have if H and I were enemies. That is what I think would have happened if I had been oppositional and not used DB techniques. As they say, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself".

Nell, sorry this has been so long. Just wanted to provide an example of how this can play out and give you MORE than you might get from taking an oppositional stance.

GAG

[Eskimo Nell]

Thank you GAG - that is a wonderful post and much of it gives me hope ... I just have one question (and I'm sure that many others reading this would ask the same). How, when there is an ow involved, can you WANT to be friends with WAH and even if there is no ow, him not wanting you is so hurtful that I just can't see past that ... ?? If my WAH can be so hurtful and deliberately cruel, how can I want to be in a friendship with him? He has wrecked my life ... he knew all that was important to me and has turned it upside down because of what HE wants in life. I can't be his friend when he has an ow and is living a life which he keeps totally secret from me. I just can't do it.

This has got me to thinking ...

I am gathering some strength lately and I feel that it's because I don't spend quite so much time hanging here. I've had a lot on this week with one thing and another so maybe that's done me some good. Maybe my C telling me that I am not progressing, as fast as expected, has also shaken me up a bit.

I'm still scared but I have started to acknowledge the failings of H and acknowledge that he's not deserving of the pedestal I have had him on. I also consider that he's not in MLC but just has narcissistic tendencies, if not an all out narcissistic personality. It's empowering to finally see that in him and start to shake off my funk and stop living in the fog. I think that I may be moving in to the 'next stage' of grieving and that means starting to think about me more and H less. I'm frightened that this inner calm will dissolve and I will be back to square one again.

I know that I am isolated and have few if any friends here but it should not stop me from being me. I am determined next week to prove that to myself and start living again, whatever it is that I can do to achieve that.

[dolphin_05]

Nell, for me it's all about balance. I find that I need to plan my days with tasks so that I can check in here at some stage but not keep hanging here because I have nothing else on. So like today, I'm having a break from my garage sorting and I'll be back at it soon! I'll probably check in after dinner but my goal is to get to bed early.

[Eskimo Nell]

I agree Cas - it's OK to be here but not all the time. The day has to be filled with other things or you never can get your life back on track.

Well today, my life saw some MAJOR baby steps!! I'm pretty happy with my DB'ing today and H appeared to see it too, when he visited earlier - and stayed longer than he has since he left home.

I can't say any one thing that happened to make me feel so positive but overall, I am happier! In a nutshell:

1) H cleaned and maintained the pool and spa
2) Sat with me on our outdoor furniture and shared tea and biccies
3) H started some R talk, even though it was only to affirm that he does not love me and there is no going back
4) He fed and played with the cats
5) Told me that I had done a good job looking after the lawns and gardens
6) Sat and discussed finances without too much arguing - agreed that he should be paying a little more and he would look in to it
7) Didn't get too mad but was firm and didn't hide his annoyance that his Wii was not here, which was one of the things which he wanted to collect today
9) Agreed to come back and help me with the front garden beds - including taking me to get some sheep manure!
10) Agreed to work on our communication in the future - says that we still have a long way to go and it would be easier if we could communicate better without having to involve a mediator
11) Cracked a joke when I almost fell in the pool and ask what he would do if I had ... he replied "would wait for you to float to the shallow end first [before doing anything]"!
12) H acknowledged that it will be four years this Tuesday that we emigrated - I hadn't even noticed that.

So, overall, not too bad. I remained calm, took several 'take a deep breath' breaks to the bathroom and didn't once raise my voice! I DB'ed where and when I could ... as much as I was able. When I felt that things were slipping a bit, I even managed to bring them around ... H appeared more relaxed and talked more about things that were currently concerning him ... he is stressed about work but mostly about our situation, even though he repeated that he does not love me and there is no going back.

That bit hurt but there were so many positives in today that have just not been there previously. I will probably come crashing down now but I can honestly say that my 5 hours with H today were the best I have had in as many months!!!!

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh - and though I acknowledge that I should have held off until at least tomorrow or Tuesday, I sent H an email this evening.

H is going on a business trip on Tuesday and he doesn't often check his email much nowadays, so he tells me, so I wanted to acknowledge some things before he went:

1) Thanking him for his assistance today
2) For being reasonable with the financial talks
3) For agreeing to work on our communication strategy
4) That I am looking forward to his help with the house next time around
5) Wishing him a pleasant business trip and I hope that he manages a few beers to help things along!

[goodattitudegirl]

Nell,

Glad you had a positive interaction with your H! Over the course of 5 hours you had a lot of opportunity to show him the new and improved Nell. Keep showing him this and he won't be able to help but compare you to the OW. In your sitch I don't know how long the OW has been in the picture, but in my experience infatuation begins to fade within 6 months. You know your H and you know best how to do the things he likes. Plus, if I recall correctly you immigrated from the UK, is that correct? I'm guessing OW doesn't have that background. You are in a unique position in that you can appeal to the aspects of both UK and Aussie traditions that H likes.

Regarding your question about having OW or OM in a sitch. I am lucky in a way that my H didn't leave for an OW. But spouses leave, whether its for an OW/OM or some other reason, because they are not having their needs met in a M. As LBSs we hold some culpability in that and need to face what we did --- if not for the current M, then for a future relationship.

The problem with our walk-aways is that many of us felt our spouses didn't communicate the degree of their unhappiness to us. If we had known HOW unhappy they were we would have tried to change. So there is culpability on our spouse's part too. Ultimately, both partners need to move toward the middle ground if reconciliation is going to occur. A book I read stated "Would you rather be right, or be married?" Obviously, those communication issues will need to be worked out if the M is to succeed, but in the early stages we are all just working for the opportunity to get to that phase. So in the interim, "Fake it 'til you make it" is a mantra that has gotten many people to the point of having these discussions with their spouses. In time we realize that these changes are for US and will make us happier regardless of what decision our spouse makes.

GAG

[Dudess]

Congratulations on handling the visit so well, Nell. I'm sure it wasn't easy but you did it.

I think you blew it with the follow up email though. Presumably you thanked him for his assistance when he was there. It is not necessary to go on and on about it.

I think he feels the need to keep telling you "I don't love you and it is over" because he can feel your pursuit. That email was pursuit. It seems that every time you make a little progress, you don't continue with what worked and revert back to what didn't work. It can't make you look very desireable in his eyes to have the woman he rejected for another falling all over herself to thank him repeatedly for helping maintain the house.

[Lost Rabbit]

Well done hun, big step forward keeping your cool, sorta agree with Dudess on the email, but hopefully he will be so shocked you were nice and calm and not "ratty nell" he wont notice, like I said to you dont worry too much about the little things just keep doing the big things!

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks GAG ... yes, it was a good visit and got me a good nights sleep last night. Of course, waking this morning was peaceful until I realised, yet again, that H was not here and the bowling ball to the belly was back on line!

Most people's WAS has left for an ow/om but mine did not. He stuck to our pre-M promise of ending things before considering an ow - such was our belief on infidelity, which interestingly, we were both adamant about. It's why he still doesn't consider that he is having an A - in his eyes our M is through and he is free to do what he likes ...

Even though I have called him on this time and time again, I DO believe that he did nothing before he called time on our M. He simply could not have ... ow is 2.5hrs flight away and H was still living here! What I do think is that he was becoming infatuated, so more likely EA but he denies that. I have watched his body language and his facial expression - I would know if he were lying and yet I really don't believe that he is.

All of this, in my view, makes it harder as those who leave for ow under different circumstances I mostly consider are just having a 'fling' and will at some time return. This is different. H was done before he left ... I don't think that there's any going back now - he is a deep thinker and he has made up his mind. Sadly, there will be no turning his ship around - saving a miracle.

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for dropping back, Dudess!

I didn't find the visit too hard to deal with ... I was enjoying myself and H appeared to be reasonably relaxed ...

I was riding high but now I feel that I have been pulled back in to line, which is probably a good thing. I regret having sent the email, after reading your words but was doing it to affirm his actions of the day - that's one of his LL's.

I get so confused with this DB ... no wonder I'm not very successful! Do it, don't do it ... do it now, hold off !!!!!

The biggest thing that I learned yesterday was the Cheeseless Tunnel - he TOLD me what it was and now I have to think of a strategy to get around that.

I agree that he probably keeps affirming that he does not love me as he feels that I still hold out hope. Pursuit. I have to stop that but it's so difficult. When he's here, I feel like I have to get everything that I can across to him for I don't know when - or if - he will be back again. It's panic that makes me behave that way.

No, I didn't thank him when he was here so I don't feel guilty of of that one!! I guess that I realised that I had not thanked him at all after he left and that was another motivator for my email.

Now, I must go quiet again. NC until he does - even though I'm sure that this is pull back time as he will have definitely felt that yesterday was an improvement on recent times too.