After last night's talk about H getting a new and bigger apt with a lease, ( he has month to month now for a tiny studio I know he's not happy there, who would be?) I woke up depressed,but turned myself around and GAL! Got upbeat and positive!
Tonight is not H's usual night with S5, but came over anyhow to play! What a nice surprise. I had been upbeat with him on the phone earlier and whammo - he shows up at the door at 6pm. He was cheerful and fun and nice to both S and me. I gave them SPACE to play legos. H left at 7:30 - a good long visit. Wow, felt like old times.
Really hopeful again tonight . And it all started by me changin g to a PMA in the morning and just relaxing through the day - FOR ME. Yep, for me. I think I detached today! Woot~!
Woke up depressed, turned myself around and GAL! Got upbeat and positive!
Tonight is not H's usual night with S5, but came over anyhow to play! What a nice surprise. I had been upbeat with him on the phone earlier and whammo - he shows up at the door at 6pm. He was cheerful and fun and nice to both S and me. I gave them SPACE to play legos. H left at 7:30 - a good long visit. Wow, felt like old times.
Really hopeful again tonight . And it all started by me changin g to a PMA in the morning and just relaxing through the day - FOR ME. Yep, for me. I think I detached today! Woot~!
Love it! Makes my night to hear it. Celebrate! Brace for his other behaviors to come back next time but keep doing what you're doing!!
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
RSF - yeah, I know about the pullback. It is imminent with my FIL coming to town next week. Grrrrr. However, yea, feeling good. Happy with myself and my life, and happy when H was here. I couldn't believe there was no yelling. Perhaps finally making progress with that!
H's night tomorrow night with S5 - I'll be hom at 7. I'll keep up the PMA and the happy light attitude. And if he's Mr. Hyde tomorrow - I"ll retreat to my room and do something to make my night a happy one.
He works for himself - he's a genius computer programmer. He works from home (wherever that is lately). Lately, he works until all hours of the night. Work never ends for him.
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I have wondered if it is a workaholic syndrome to avoid feelings or if he is truly that overburdened with work.
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I have a lot of empathy - he is a reliable provider and hard worker. However, he also admitted tonight that his stress levels have gotten so high he is thinking of going to a psychiatrist for a prescription to tranquilizers.
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He has always had this anxiety problem - overly perfectionistic, over achiever
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Is he just hiding from himself and his pain? I don't know.
Hope,
I'm glad you shared the following observations. Speaking from personal experience, it is very possible that your H is dealing with very serious depression- which may or may not be work related. He may be trying to address his stress/depression by working more in an attempt to gain control over the situation. I can identify with your H now as there was a period in my life (which ended about 6 months before my W's EA began) in which I was operating in much the same way (I too am a Type A personality, hard working, perfectionist, overachiever, etc.)
Your H has forgotten that we work in order to live, not live to work. He has also forgotten the purpose behind why he works so hard- for his family! During the period in my life when I was in a similar situation as your H, I was only vaguely aware of the possibility that what I was dealing with was depression. It wasn't until I got out of the high pressure job I was in did I start to realize that I had been seriously depressed. I can also tell you that during that time I really was not sensitive to how I was reacting to my family. I was not always consciously aware of the tone I spoke in or how much I was hollering at my kids. I was really on edge. In my sitch, however, I didn't drink or engage in any inappropriate behavior to distract myself from my depression.
It sounds like the conversation he had with you about the tranquilizers would be a good place to start in discussing the likelihood of depression with your H. If your H would be willing to go, a family therapist might be the best place to start.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
THanks so much BJ. Yes, I brought up depression and he immediately rejected the idea that this is depression. He is only aware of what he terms "anxiety." Even that he is aware of it is a step.
I agree it could be depression. He is quite isolated and with our separation he must be feeling awful.
I'm just finally getting atiny view into what's behind all the rage.
We start MC in a month or so, so it could be a time to bring it up.
you're exactly right when you say he has no idea of his tone or his yelling. Hard for me to believe, but he constently denies he is yelling. I think he honestly doesn't recognize it as he is cought up in whatever pressure he is under.
It's a vicious cycle - he is stressed b/c we have marital problems and he left - we are having marital problems and he's staying away because he's stressed. Ugh.
And yes, he works more to gain control. He is definitely trying to gain control in all areas. It def. signifies pain inside him - I just hope in MC he will finally open up a little to me and we can deal with what's inside.
Thanks for the perspective, it really helps. I'm opposite - I'm laid back, artistic, flexible - and I have no bones about talking about when I'm depressed. And I go and get help when I feel depressed. H holds it all in. I worry about him.
Hi Hope4Luv, I'm seeing another similiarity in our H's. Mine is also a workaholic and perfectionist.
I wanted to share some info I just got from my D13. She is concerned about H and she went to talk to the pastor. (She's probably going to grow up to be a counselor.) She came back with some very interesting info from him. The pastor said that the stonewalling is his way of dealing with his feelings by not dealing with them. The anger is easier to deal with than being sad and helps him feel in control. When D asks H about the situation, he just replies I love you and won't discuss it.
One thing he said she could do is mention to him that he seems sad or depressed. I also read this in one of the many books I'm reading... that you can be like a mirror and reflect what they are feeling, that "you look sad".
I do feel it is depression in my H's case too. Just wish he would recognize it instead of keeping himself so busy to numb himself.
Day by Day
M40, H39 M17 T20 D13, S12 H moved out 05/09 D filed 1/10
It is not easy for a man to admit to himself or to others that he may be dealing with depression. If he wants to term it "anxiety" then so be it. This is a serious issue and he needs to start addressing it right away through counseling along with perhaps some anti-depressants. He is likely not aware that everything that he is saying and doing is exponentially "more" than what he perceives, which in turn adds to his frustration when you react to him.
Feel free to tell him about me if you'd like- I'll correspond with him here if it would help your sitch. I will tell you that it might have made a difference in my current sitch if I had realized and addressed my spell of depression rather than it resolving itself after I left my old job. I'd hate to see him make the same mistake I did.
Speaking of work, break time is over. Catch you later.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
. And it all started by me changin g to a PMA in the morning and just relaxing through the day - FOR ME. Yep, for me. I think I detached today! Woot~!