Dreams of a New Normal...

[RedSoxFan]

Good girl! Did you wear your ugly panties?

Nope, I actually told him up front that I didn't want it to go there. And even with some drinks in me, I stuck to it.

But we still had quite a good time without him making it down my pants.

Sheeesh! How am I supposed to live vicariously through your sitch if you are so restrained. ;-)

[aliveandkicking]

Well, it was hot hot hot. And he was happy at the end.

I think I need to take up knitting and keep myself indoors. Maybe get some cats.

[aliveandkicking]

Ok. So while wallowing in my insecurity today, I have honed in on the nuts and bolts of it.

I have accomplished nothing noteworthy in my life other than raising two exceptional kids who are basically f*cked up now. They are awesome and I love them dearly but I have such a profound feeling of loss (not failure) but having had their well-being and my ability to ensure it stolen. And yes, I realize sh*t happens and yes I know that I cannot attach my identity solely to my children. But, they were my job. It hurts too much to see them struggling like this. I see the damage being done and the insecurities developing. S9 described himself last night as "generally not secure"...wow do I relate to that feeling.

About me. I have so much to say and create and I feel as if I have to do it with a thousand tons of weight piled on me. H is off traveling again next week, living the life, accolades...and me? I have to start from scratch.

I would love to make some money. Trying still to find something that would enable me to be with my kids, create something sustainable and pay decent money.

There's a sense of injustice that plagues me these days. Even with this guy not calling, it is more about decency than what I hoped to get out of a R with him (not a whole lot). I mean, I think I'm feeling like a little woman...

Maybe if I can flip it to some romantic notion of "underdog" and get a fire under my a** that will help.

Every time I feel kick a**, H steps in and burns out my flame (my responsibility, I know)...but he outshines.

Getting blown off just poured some salt on the wound.

[MrBond]

AAK,

I'm not going to sit here and tell you things are going to get better, or that you're a better person than you what you feel now, etc.

The fact is that we've all been there or are there with you in the trenches. But only you can get yourself out of it. We all get on the pity train more times than we can count, but then at some point, we decide when to get off.

Look at yourself in the mirror. What you see is an able bodied mother and woman who can and will do the things she needs to survive. And that's what this is. It's survival.

Imagine your H dead and gone. That's what he is anyway. What will YOU do to survive? It's like that scene in Gone with the Wind where Scarlett swears she'll never go hungry again. Well, that's what you need to adopt. That attitude.

It's your choice to get on the pain train, and it's also your choice to get off.

[aliveandkicking]

Imagine your H dead and gone.

Okay, if you insist.

[MrBond]

Ha! That's the attitude. Since my W's still living with me, I don't see her as dead and gone, just brain damaged!

[aliveandkicking]

Well my H isn't exactly gone, he's in my face and my brain.

[aliveandkicking]

Actually he just called and wanted to meet me with the kids cuz he was right by the school, said "I would love to see you guys." I actually saw his car while I was on the phone with him and I said no, that we had to get home. He texted that he was sorry to have bothered me and I seemed annoyed. I don't even want to give him that. I said I just had to get them and get home.

I feel so wrecked and I am blaming him right now...I know that needs to be short-lived. I'm responsible for my own feelings but I'm just really down.

[MrBond]

No you did right. He's stalking you because he's indecisive. That's the hardest part about all this. They are on the emotional rollercoaster, yet we tend to be the ones being dragged along.

Keep those correspondences with him to a minimum. Don't let his comments about you seeming annoyed, etc. get to you. You notice he always says something about how YOU look angry or annoyed. It deflects the blame away from him and makes you the bad guy.

As hard as it is, don't even respond to those comments. Don't say "no I wasn't annoyed", etc. Hell yeah you were annoyed. But if you say you do, he's going to say "look you are the bad guy here not me." Establish your boundaries and don't let him cross.

[aliveandkicking]

I can't believe I set myself up with the comedian guy to deal with another rejection. It was totally predicable.

Next thing you know, I'll be hitting the crack pipe. I don't know how to process this stuff anymore.