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#1829754 - 09/01/09 04:41 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
girlfromoz Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/09
Posts: 885
Nell only you can decide if you want to give up or not, but I think if you really want the M to work then you have to give it a bit longer than you have been. Hard I know but at least then you can say you gave it your all.

PS: I am not really a dream person either but I do find those sorts of things interesting.
_________________________

Trying to keep hope alive

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#1829759 - 09/01/09 05:18 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: girlfromoz]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
You are right Oz - I don't want to give up but I am now listening to my body/emotions and wondering if I am not just making things worse for myself by hanging on for something that plain ain't gonna happen. I have faith but it's hiding right now.

When I first met with C, she said that she was hopeful and felt that H and I could make this work. Yesterday, she said "H seems to have made a firm decision" - which just keeps replaying over in my mind.

I feel sad again today. Just broke my favourite colander too so thinking that it's not just my emotional world falling apart but this is the start of everything falling apart, which I know is nonsense, really. Feeling very sorry for myself today and someone's dog has just cr*pped on my garden which I am really angry about having to clean up.

Don't know if you have watched the TV series The Hotel Inspector? They showed a hotel last night that H and I had stayed at back home and when I saw 'our' room and the bed that we slept in, I could have wept. It was on Foxtel and I just put it on live pause and relived the time that we were there ... it was heartbreaking. These are the things that the Martians get away with - these thoughts don't go through their minds as they are logical and not emotional, by and large. Throw in some sentiment for good measure and we crack up. Just as I am now.
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829763 - 09/01/09 05:47 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Now I am confused again. Just looking around for inspiration and came across this about 180's:

What is a 180.....?

A complete OPPOSITE of

your MORE OF THE SAME behaviors

your partner's stereotype of you

the things that irritate your partner about you


My H always hated that I could go a whole week without the need to speak to him, if we had a fight. I was purely trying out 'going dark' without even knowing it at the time.

This is something that he has called me on since dropping the bomb and so now I don't know what to do - should I stay dark or make some small contact, like acknowledging his email in regard to changing his email address which he sent to me a few days back?

Yes - I am starting to panic Gucci and Stuck but I am not for caving yet ... just asking what people think?
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829774 - 09/01/09 07:46 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Originally Posted By: Eskimo Nell

Today I am low, frightened, vulnerable, weak, ready to cave in and RAGING ... man am I RAGING?!! The cats ran for cover as I threw expletives around the kitchen whilst demanding (to who??) why has he done this to me? If he didn't love me and had not done so for as many years as he says, why did he marry me? Where is he now that I need him? Why did he want us to emigrate if he had no intention of staying in the marriage? Why is it OK to give a chance to an ow with baggage but he can't even give me the time of day after all that I have done for him? Oh yes, I'm on the runaway train to a self-hiding today. Two job refusals has done nothing to enamour me, either.


Oh yes folks, Eskimo Nell is falling down an ice hole, fast ....
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829780 - 09/01/09 09:40 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
JCJ Offline
Member

Registered: 05/27/08
Posts: 3323
Loc: London, UK
Stay quiet with him for now Nell. You can do it smile

Also, you should make it clear to your counsellor that your intentions are to save your marriage. She should not be telling you her opinion, which is just her opinion not set in fact - unless she is able to see into the future.
_________________________
M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world

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#1829783 - 09/01/09 09:55 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: JCJ]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
Thanks ((JCJ)) - I needed that support - it seems to have been very quiet here today - belive me, I have been here all day!!

Yes, I promise that I will hang in there ... and it helps too that I have just literally got an email from H to say that he's gone back to his regular email address, after he had problems 3 days ago! Is this good that he is letting me know - he didn't have to, did he? I have not responded but maybe later tomorrow I can just flick him the response "OK - thanks" and leave it there. How would that be, even though I am supposed to be dark?? I think it's reasonable.

I have just been reading back over some of H's emails from last month and I can't believe how plausible he makes everything sound:

"The thing is I had never planned for any of this. I embarked on our marriage as a plan for life. It really does sadden me that we were not able to make it work. But the signs were there a good time ago. We have both neglected our relationship for far too long and now we have passed the point of no return. I agree, yes, that we both want very different things right now but that should not mean that we should have to torture each other fixing up what needs to be done".

Gotta say, he sounds pretty determined, right?? Well, I shall just keep the pedal to the metal and keep travelling in the same planned direction.

Shall jump over to your post now to see how you have been today! Thanks again for being there ... it means a lot.


Edited by Eskimo Nell (09/01/09 09:58 AM)
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829784 - 09/01/09 10:01 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
JCJ Offline
Member

Registered: 05/27/08
Posts: 3323
Loc: London, UK
Just remember, most of them don't even remember what they said after dropping the bomb on us. My H certainly didn't. Most of it is BS anyway. I wouldn't put yourself through the pain of reading it, you are only hurting yourself.
_________________________
M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world

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#1829785 - 09/01/09 10:03 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
Hi Nell,

I have been reading about detaching and I am still not sure about totally ignoring. I thought detaching was about GAL as a strong, independent woman who is out and about and having fun and not contacting H. I understaood that LBS would respond to conversation initiated by H in a cool, calm manner without being cold and without showing affection or emotion positive or otherwise. it wouldn't need to be immediate response. I am quite confused now and therefore am reluctant to respond to your thought about replying to H's email.

Chin up!

Cas

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#1829786 - 09/01/09 10:06 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: JCJ]
Eskimo Nell Offline
Member

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 1004
Loc: Totally Isolated
You are undoubtedly right, oh wise woman!

It's right what a poster once said here though - and I am sooooo guilty of this. We look at everything and into everything too ... I just noticed that he had signed his email with his 'pet name' and looking back, he hasn't done that for the past 10 emails! I consider that to be quite a coup, even though it's bs on my behalf!!

Gee - talk about the scraps from their tables, eh?

For it all though, I shall go to bed happier this evening knowing that he has been in touch, albeit a one liner.

There was a horrid accident up near where his new apartment is two evenings ago and I was sick with worry. Sense finally prevailed and I knew that the police would have come knocking by now if it had been H. These are yet more of the things that consume me on a daily basis - and does he still record me as his next-of-kin as I am his only family in Australia?
_________________________
WAH 43; W 47
M 16; T 17
Cats 15 & 6
Bomb 27/05/09
ow 28/06/09

"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"

Started counselling 17/08/09

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#1829788 - 09/01/09 10:15 AM Re: UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach [Re: Eskimo Nell]
dolphin_05 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 1432
I'm sure he does Nell. My H had a minor op some months ago and he had me as next of kin

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