I can tell you that my H said and did all the same things your H has.
I can tell you that my H would avoid me before he left. I didn't know this of course. He would hide out down the road at a parking area with his truck and wait until I had left the office for the day before he came back to the shop. He then would wait it out there hoping that I would be gone to bed by the time he "came home from work". My H and I own a trucking company. I believed everytime he told me he was held up at a jobsite or in traffic when in reality he was taking a snooze to waste time from being in the same place with me.
My H was so hateful to me when he left. He only left when he had found the OW (a place to go). I am quite sure he had been on the look out for a place to go for several months. My bomb came swiftly. He found the OW on August 7th and in the evening on 8/16/05 he told me he was leaving me.
I heard the usual.....I hate you.....I don't love you.....Get used to the idea, we ARE getting a D.....I have known for years we were going to gat a D.....I hate the sight of you.....I hate the sound of your voice.....I could go on and on....I don't need to, you get the idea. The mantra is always the same with the MLC guys.
My H has also said that we are separated and I am not cheating or an adulteror because we are separated. WRONG....WRONG....WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That only served in his brain to validate his guilt and the existence of the OW.
After he left I went into a tailspin and did a 180 in about 30 days. I practiced and changed my moves and attitudes and style until I was genuine and changed forever. I was determined. I was going to win his heart back. H immediately saw the changes but was very reluctant to admit they were real. He accused me of being fake and it was all a ploy to get him back and once he was back I would revert to the Sanderika he despised. He started to come around at 4+ months after bomb. We maintained a relationship of recovery and rebuilding from that point forward.
It was only with time and patience and maintaining my new being that H can now admit I have changed. It has been a long 4+ years of changes and trials and proving myself. I was determined to also prove H wrong. Once I realized he was also watching to see me fall, I felt even more determined to win his heart.
I have made my H very comfortable around me and our home. I have won his friendship and he enjoys me. Our entire 4+ years of separation we maintained a physical relationship, which has only improved with time.
Some of the things H says now are:
I now realize I am a cheater.
I love you and I always will.
I miss you.
I love your cooking, you are the best you know.
I love our talks and communicating with you has always been easy. I can't communicate with OW and I never could, it's impossible.
I love your butt.
I love to ML with you, it's a blast to be with you.
As I write these you all wonder why I am throwing in the towel. It's simple. H is still with OW and I have witnessed no significant changes in the demise of that relationship. I have come to realize that there is no place for me and son in H's world 100%. I am tired of settling for the tidbits. If I can't have him back 100%, I would rather be alone.
The one thing that is keeping H away at this point is he thinks I am no fun. I am a tired lady with a son to raise, 2 jobs to maintain, a home to care for inside and out, a dog to raise. My burdens are huge, I want to be fun and I know I could be. I don't have the opportunity to do much with all my responsibilities. I do get out and GAL a bit with girlfriends and my son. In my world H was the activity guy, his 2-4-6-10-18 wheeled toys and sense of adventure was always keeping us busy. I do not play with 4+ wheeled toys alone. I would get into trouble for sure and it would not be pretty. The most son and I do together is ride our dirt bikes around the property here at home, can't find too much trouble right here.
In fact one of the last things he said was....You are no fun. You used to be lots of fun with laughs and energy and spunk. I know the OW is free of responsibility and is a huge party girl. I am not going to compete with that right now. She can have her life on her Harley Davidson and bottle of Captain Morgan's.
That brings me to the next comment.....MLC guys are out for fun and lots of it. If we represent "no fun" they will not come back for that reason either. Fun has to be part of our changes. We need to learn to let our hair down and ramp up the party girls in each of us. We need to show our H's that we have not lost that side of us as we have aged and taken on responsibilities. We need to re-invent our fun side. It's just as important as our attitude towards H and our style and appearance.
I have rambled here quite a bit.....
Will go for now.....want to think more on this.
(((((Nell)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thanks (((((Sanderika))))) - you know, so much of that makes sense to me and I realise that it's not me who's going crazy.
"My H has also said that we are separated and I am not cheating or an adulteror because we are separated. WRONG....WRONG....WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That only served in his brain to validate his guilt and the existence of the OW."
- I'm so glad for your quote here - I thought that it was only me that felt that way. You have validated that H is wrong and not me. We are legally married - there is no LEGAL separation here. Therefore, he is cheating - and cheaters lie.
"I have made my H very comfortable around me and our home. I have won his friendship and he enjoys me"
- so, how did you get to this point from him hiding away from you and moving out???? I can barely get my H to communicate by email with me.
"The one thing that is keeping H away at this point is he thinks I am no fun"
- and maybe this is where I need to start. I have been so wrapped up in so many traumatic issues for the past few years, including my reactionary thoughts (depression?) to our emigration that I have lost my spunk. I don't think that I even know how to have fun anymore. When we were back home and I had my friends around me, it was easy - I was always laughing and jolly. Here, miserable, nothing to do, no place to go, no friends and a H who has been in the fog for a while seemingly, it was no wonder that I stopped laughing. That's what I need to work on - especially next time H sees me. Why haven't I seen that before now? H's ow is (I imagine) full of responsibility in that the tramp has kids - I don't. I'm free, I'm able to get out and drop anything at the drop of a hat .... perhaps that's my trump card .... now I need to play it ... but how so?? I have to find a way ....
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I picked up on her comment regarding us "not being fun". That is one other thing that came up in my discussion with H. He wants to have fun and to share that fun with someone who can have fun and be fun.
For my part, I know how to have fun, I lost it, but I have got it back. I told H so the other night. It is easier for me I don't have little kids holding me back and I have a network of friends to have fun with.
It just raises a very important issue that life is short too short in fact to not have fun.
So Nell, in short if you can be fun and are fun and I can see you are just by our conversations here, show H that side of you, maybe he has just forgotten that Nell can have fun.
Nell you are fun, you have a wicked sense of humour, you can laugh, tease and joke with me someone you have never met, so its not going to be hard to make new friends once you have got over the eek help panic its all new barrier..
Its been the new sexy, sassy, teasing, joking, fun loving and more romantic rabbit that has caught Mr Rabbit's eye.. and the GAL is infectious, it gives you more to talk about, and you just have that isnt life fun glint in your eye, and you know what its like to wink in the mirror at that new sassy haircut of yours well its a wink you carry with you!
Although some folks think that being on here isnt GAL for me it has worked well, I have made fantastic new friends and learnt things about other places divorce procedures that I would never have known lol.. All jokes aside it has been GAL for me in another way.
So get that Anglo Aussie spirit out and start planning, another thought for cheap action, is do they have a riding school of sorts near you as saturdays are always busy and if you dont mind being with sprogs (children) they may be grateful for an adult to help out, supervise and groom/tack ponies. Or even when you get more monetary sorted out the odd riding lesson or hack..
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oh I hear you Oz but it's not quite that easy. How do I show H that I am fun when a) I really can't find anything right now to find fun in b) have no outlet in which to find fun and c) even if I managed a+b, how do I show that to H who is keeping as far away from me as he can muster?
I am so confused and torn now between maintaining nc, which goes against H's LL, and validating him, which is his LL?
I'm really angry with him too - he said that he would answer my emails over the weekend and here we are, Tuesday evening, with nothing. Of course, we know where he has been so let's see if there's a response by the time I get back from C this evening - I doubt it. I'm still waiting on booking a day off for the house tribunal but don't want to if he's going to say that he can't make it.
Gotta dash - don't want to be late for C!! Talk later ...
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Good Evening Ladies, it's early morning for me on Tuesday.
I don't have much time this morn,
MLC Men:
Are looking to escape responsibility.
Are out to recapture their youth, a 46 year old man living life as a 17 year old teenager.
Are out to have fun and are having fun, they seek it. They are finding it in OW and in the freedom from us and the marriage.
They lie.
They cheat.
They are confused.
They are incapable of remembering words said to us. Whether it's "I'll call, text, email, see.....you." OR "I'll come by and help out with ( )." OR any trivial (to them) conversation we might have.
At the beginning they see us as an anvil tied to their legs. They are suffering in depression and unhappiness. They HAVE to run away. They run as far and as fast as they can. They convince thenselves and decide they hate us and cannot love us and never will again in order to make leaving easy.
What they don't see is the side of us that doesn't give up on them. They cannot imagine that they will be faced with a wife who won't give up. My H said I sent him into a complete tailspin by the surprise that I changed and maintained the changes. H said I threw him right threw a loop and that is what has kept a D at bay.
I only accomplished the changes with time and determination. H was able to see those changes over time and cannot deny they are real and are permanent. It took time. It took well over 4 years for us to get here. H cannot D me. H loves me. It's really hard to D someone you actually like to be with and love.
There is no overnight fix. It takes knowing your H and knowing what needs to be fixed to make the changes and bring him back in.
I can now get out a bit more and GAL. I want to. My son is now 13 and can stay alone for a few hours. I plan to do just that this season.
For me, when our son was born is when I lost my fun and spunk and spontaneous side. I took on the role of mother and father and did it very seriously. My H drives a truck and spends a lot of time away. I had to and not by choice. When H was home he wanted to play, it was hard with a little one. I made the mistake of not finding sitters. A control freak back then for sure. So, I can pinpoint when it started and now that son is older I have no excuse for getting back out there. I regret my choices of neglecting my H. I let him get away.
You don't see H much, when he is over make it count. Be fun, funny, carefree. Make a suggestion for a picnic. Make a suggestion for a nature walk. Ramp it up....suggest H meet you at a restaurant for a drink and appetizers. Look sexy and smell gorgeous. I know you are in a remote area, there must be something to do regardless.
(((((Nell))))) you have to win him back over to friendship before you can proceed with more. He will be gun shy. Treat him well. Greet him well. Be patient and gentle. Time will turn it around if he finds himself questioning his choice. You have the control to make him question his choice.
I have to run for work....later......
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
You have to try and find the fun in even the smallest things. I know you don't see H much but when you do try and have something fun planned for while he is there, as Sanderika said, have a picnic, even if you have one at home, meet him somewhere so he can see you, the sexy sassy fun loving Nell with the big infectious smile arrive, who knows H may notice the admiring looks you get when you arrive from others.
Think of my sitch, the minute H realised others were looking and then thought that hey she could already be seeing someone else, he threw a bit of hissy fit, acted like a teenager again but then came running back.
As LR suggested try to find something in the volunteer line of work for a weekend here and there at an animal shelter, anything. Do you have a community centre at all where you live or near where you live Nell?
