Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[etrain]

Hello. I'm brand new to this forum but I have been reading it for a couple weeks. I'll try to keep this intro as short as possible.
My W and I have been toegteher for over 12 years...married for almost 9 & we have a 4 year old son. Over Labor Day weekend, my W told me she doesn't love me "that way" anymore and doesn't feel connected to me. She was an eyelash away from asking for a D. I was crushed.

I convinced her to at least try MC to see if things change. Well, we've only had 1 MC session (our 2nd is today) but I'm not very optimistic. My W has gone as far as saying she's not sure she EVER loved me...and that she doesn't have much hope of MC working.

At times, I feel like she can't stand me. I've never done anything to hurt her...no affairs, no abuse, no going out all night drinking with the guys, always had a steady job, wonderful father to our 4 year old son. It's all very confusing and heartwrenching at the same time.

There's a lot more to our story, including an attempt at MC earlier this year that only yielded short-term results...and the possibility that my W is having an EA. I found an incriminating email but she claims it was the first "flirty" email exchange they've had...and the last.

I guess my question is...can a M be saved if I'm the only one trying to make it work? My W isn't giving any effort & seems to already have her mind made up.
Right now, I feel like my life in completely in my W's hands. I sit back & wait for her to decide if we're going to D. It's a horrible feeling. I'm thinking about ordering DB or DR but I'm afraid it might be too late.
I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice you can give...and I'll try to fill in more of the details when I have time.
Thanks for reading.

[Day by Day]

Hi etrain, sorry to hear what you are going through, but you've found the right place for support. There are unfortunately many others that have heard the same as you have from their spouse, I'm included amongst them.

I'm new here too, but I'll tell you to get the DR or DB book and read it. Read the forums. You'll get great support here and be able to share your experience and get understanding here (that sometimes friends can't give you).

Keep posting!
Day by Day

[volleydog]

I feel like my life in completely in my W's hands. I sit back & wait for her to decide if we're going to D. It's a horrible feeling.

You need to get over this ASAP. You need to get out and do things (GAL-get a life) go work out or whatever you like to do.

[etrain]

Thanks Day by Day.
I'm trying to remain positive & keep from falling apart...but it's not easy. Our M is completely one-sided right now and all my W says is that her needs have changed & she's not in love w/ me anymore.
Hearing that was harder than anything I've gone through in my entire life. It's like she's turned into a completely different person & has a wall around her that can't be broken through. She's just so distant.
Meanwhile, I feel like a lost puppydog. I'm almost 40 & the thought of starting over scares the hell out of me. And I break down every time I think of only seeing my son 1/2 the time.

[BeTheMan]

Etrain:

Virtually everyone here is trying to save their marriage while their partner is not. We have all heard comments like the ones your wife has said to you.

I was here four years ago and busted our divorce. Obviously, I wasn't 100% successful or I wouldn't be back - but it can be done. For me, just knowing that I put every effort into me and my marriage is important. Even if our marriage ends I will not feel guilty, since I will know I did everything I could.

Sure, the DB principles are about saving your marriage and that is the ultimate goal of everyone here, but (you will read this a lot) you can't make changes just to bust your divorce. The changes need to be real and for you. If your wife decides she wants to be with the new and better you, than great. If not, you will still have done something very few people do in their lifetime - truly given 100% and made you a better man and better father.

[etrain]

You need to get over this ASAP. You need to get out and do things (GAL-get a life) go work out or whatever you like to do.

I'm trying. It's not easy but I'm trying.

[dburt]

Your wife is saying things that my wife and almost every other WAW has said (script)

Remember all cheaters are liars, Do you believe that the EA is still going on?

Have you read DB and DR yet? Time to start the process of making yourself a better person. GAL (get a life) What do you like to do, time to start being really busy.

This stuff can work.

Burt

[etrain]

Etrain:

Virtually everyone here is trying to save their marriage while their partner is not. We have all heard comments like the ones your wife has said to you.

I was here four years ago and busted our divorce. Obviously, I wasn't 100% successful or I wouldn't be back - but it can be done. For me, just knowing that I put every effort into me and my marriage is important. Even if our marriage ends I will not feel guilty, since I will know I did everything I could.

Sure, the DB principles are about saving your marriage and that is the ultimate goal of everyone here, but (you will read this a lot) you can't make changes just to bust your divorce. The changes need to be real and for you. If your wife decides she wants to be with the new and better you, than great. If not, you will still have done something very few people do in their lifetime - truly given 100% and made you a better man and better father.

Thanks Indy. Your post makes a ton of sense. I'll be picking up or ordering DB this week. If it can help ME, then it's worth it. If it saves my M in the meantime, better yet.
I hope my W gets to the point where we can work on our M together. Until then, I suppose all I can do is work on myself & be a great father to my son.

[etrain]

Your wife is saying things that my wife and almost every other WAW has said (script)

Remember all cheaters are liars, Do you believe that the EA is still going on?

Have you read DB and DR yet? Time to start the process of making yourself a better person. GAL (get a life) What do you like to do, time to start being really busy.

This stuff can work.

Burt

I honestly don't know if the EA is still going on. For all I know, it could be more than an EA. Since discovering the email exchange (the day after she agreed to try MC), I'm having serious trust issues. The OM is an out of state (married)coworker so it's not like they could easily get together...but they could be chatting/flirting/plotting all day long for all I know.

I have not read DR yet but plan on getting it ASAP. And I have been trying to keep busy. It prevents my mind from wandering & thinking the worst.
Thanks Burt.

edit: I just read the WAW article on the home page and it's amazing how much it sounds like my W. Amazing.

[volleydog]

I'll be picking up or ordering DB this week. If it can help ME, then it's worth it. If it saves my M in the meantime, better yet.

That is the perfect attitude. Just remember the only thing you can control is you.