New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

Thanks Carlos,

Great to hear from you. Thanks for the input. What you said made a lot of sense. it all gives food for thought for my W. Hey, she may end up changing her mind between today and SAT.
In any case, I feel good about what I said tonight. I am glad you gave me your insight.

THANKS again, my friend. I hope you are also staying strong and staying focused. I know you are.

JR

[JR09]

Journaling.

Just returned from seeing my boys after we linked up with my W halfway. I got to perform this important religious event for my S12. That was great. It all happened in my W's brother's home. I got to be around my W for at least a total of 45 min or so. She checked me out quite a bit as well, especially with my interaction with the boys.

I just played it "as if" and was upbeat all the time. I bought 2 used laptops with the intent to give one for my W and one for the boys to share. I asked my W to follow me to the car, which she did without much hesitation. She seemed to not be afraid to be close to me anymore. Big step from last Christmas. I told her I had 2 used laptops. She immediately said" I don't want the boys to each have their own laptops". I told her that one was actually for her since she goes to school. Her countenance and tone of voice changed. She didn't expect what I just said. She was completely caught off guard...and accepted the laptops.

When it was my time to take the boys out for a few hours, I told my W I'd bring them back in 2 hrs as planned. My W said I just needed to bring them back by 9:00PM so they can get to bed and get ready for the trip back the next day. So I had a total of 4hrs with them instead of the 2hrs initially planned...I was very happy, and we had a great time together.

Later, after I returned with the boys, I asked my W if she wanted to join us for a family prayer before I left. To my surprise she stayed and joined my boys and I. This was the first family prayer we had as a family in 15 months. WOW, I was surprised. That was great to have her with us. Our first "family" activity in 15 months... Baby steps...Could my W be slowly softening a bit?

As I said my goodbyes to the boys by my car before I went back to my hotel, I took them back to the house to hand them over to my W because they were all getting very emotional. To my surprise, my W was waiting outside by the door, watching us all that time when I was hugging each boy. I'm glad she was there because it was easier for her to comfort the boys while I was getting in the car.

Anyway, I believe it was a good linkup altogether. I'd say A-. It would have been A+ had my W joined us for dinner with the boys. But, hey, I did my best to be upbeat, loving, and caring. I hope the W noticed! I think I did well. Kept it composed all along. Good DBing indeed.

JR

[healthydad]

JR,

Sounds like you had a great time with your boys - and like you're finding more and more that the changes you made in yourself over these last 15 months are real and lasting - and genuine to who you are. Your gesture - of offering your W a laptop - really impressed me - and your compassion for her is just so very powerful and sincere.

I was glad to read your update from your weekend - through what you've described, I can also see that your boys are proud to have you as their father.

Keep doing what you're doing - stay positive - stay strong - it seems like the more you take care of yourself - and the stronger you become, the more it resonates with everyone around you. That's a blessing.

-Carlos.

[VeronicaV]

JR,

As I read your post, I noticed a sense of peace...a calmness in you. I think all of your hard work has helped you make some significant changes in your life. If I can pick that up in a post, I think your wife would sense that in her interactions with you. Everything you described sounds as though these were the messages you conveyed.

Because you have made these changes authentically, they resonate, authentically.

I am happy for you that you got to spend some time with your family.

Keep it up...I am very impressed with your strength and fortitude.

V.

[JR09]

Carlos and Veronica

Great to hear from you. Thanks so much for the insight. I needed some reassurance that I didn't do too badly with my W this last weekend. I'd like to believe that my W feels safer now when she is around me, which is a big step for her. I'd like to engage her more but I am not sure what it could bring. I guess I have to keep up with taking care of myself, be patient and loving with my W.

what else would you recommend I could do to either engage my W more or do anything? Just asking...

JR.

[JR09]

Journaling...

I have been talking to this one co-worker who also has a WAW. His W is also away from him and experiences the same up/down moods that my W has. I noticed that he has reached his limit and doesn't want to work on his M anymore. He said he's tired of always compromising. I noticed the resentment and hurt. I can really tell how much I have progressed in my quest for emotional balance. I don't talk to my W the way this fellow talks to his. I don't harbor feelings of anger and resentment.

I am glad for DB techniques. My M is not all there for sure, but DBing makes a big difference with my W and I. I have achieved a little peace of mind. That's a big step from 15 months ago...
I am doing well thanks also to Carlos, Veronica, and MichelleLT.
I know everyone has their cheering squad, but Carlos, Veronica, and Michelle are my lifesavers.

JR

[VeronicaV]

JR,

Thanks for the kind words but you are your own lifesaver. You truly are doing all of this work yourself and showing incredible strength and dignity along the way.

In the post before your last, you asked what you could do to engage your W more. I would suggest that based on what has been happening, you should not change a thing. All of this work on yourself and all of the changes you are making for yourself are all that anyone can ever do. Just keep doing that for you, for your kids...as for your wife, let her see your changes and gain her own sense of their authenticity in her own time. That's my two cents FWIW.

Hope you are doing well today.

Veronica.

[JR09]

Journaling...

I continue my GALing activities for today. Went to the gym this morning at 6:00AM. Grocery shopping at 7:00AM. Yardwork at 9:30AM. College Football for the rest of the afternoon...

I probably will go to the PX sometime in the evening just to get out of the house. I was close to calling my W to say Hi, but didn't do it. I guess there is a fine line between sounding like a friend and sounding needy and begging. I'll hold off for now. I'll call the boys later this evening.

OK. Got to finish clearing my jungle in the backyard...

JR

[JR09]

Journaling.

Got to call the boys a couple of days ago and also talk with my W. Positive conversation. No tension at all. Even a little humor injected. I told my W I had another opportunity to travel not too far away from her. Asked if I could link up w/the boys. My W didn't say no. I just asked her to give it a thought and tell me if it's yea or nay. so we'll see.

Well, the divorce proceedings have been dismissed a month ago. My W hasn't file for anything new. Our last link up was positive. This last phone call was positive as well. These all seem to be good signs in the right direction. Am I accurate or could this mean something else? I visited with my neighbors and they told me I should kick up my contact with my w to the next level. They are bothered by the continued status quo.

But I see movement, however small. I understand maybe it's time to ask about the R and figure out where my W stands. We have been separated for 15 months, but I only started DBing about 7 months ago. I don't want to be pushy or pursuing. What step should I take now? Maybe it's safe to continue what I've been doing: taking care of myself, stay upbeat,and loving.

JR

[healthydad]

Hi JR,
You sound really good - and it sounds like you're seeing a lot of small positive steps...still, I would think that patience is really important right now - perhaps even more than it's been up until now - despite how hard that might be to believe. I think that bringing things up - like the chance to see your boys when you're nearby - is a good idea - but I wouldn't start talking about R/M.

While there have been positive signs - you still can't read your W's mind -and so you still have to focus more on you - which, I think, would continue to allow her the space she needs to process what she needs to process - and to see the changes that you've made. I can completely understand why your friends would want you to kick up contact - but I would be reluctant to do that. Contact is good - but increasing it could seem like clinging - or like pressure - and its exactly the type of thing that could push her away rather than bring her near.

Had she said anything more about the computers?

Keep doing what's worked...especially what has worked for you - as a positive sense of self sends a strong signal out to others. By now, from all of your actions, I have no doubt that your W knows how you feel - that you love her, and that you want to work on your M. That said, if R/M talk should happen (which I really don't think you should get into yet) you could just let her know that you respect her decisions, that you love her and would like to work your marriage, but know that if things have gotten so bad that they can't be repaired that you understand and want what is best for her...In other words - be sure that before you have the R/M talk, you're comfortable with the possibility of losing her - it's a mindset - your actions and efforts can still be to work on the marriage - but know that you would be okay and she would be okay without your M...then I think you can talk about R/M without clinging in a way that would push her away.

I hope that makes sense...I feel like I'm rambling a bit...still thrown off a bit by surgery, etc...

BTW - have you been rereading the Divorce Remedy? There's a lot of good info there about what to do now.

-Carlos.