UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Bill - just visited over on your thread.

I was busy this morning and I do try to keep stuff ticking over around the house - it's all I have really - keeps me busy and gives me a sense of pride when it's all looking neat and tickety boo!

I just don't know how much longer I can put up with life like this. I feel that I am dealing with my H issues a good bit better now but I would deal with them heaps more if I had someone to fill the void ... just can't ever see that happening as a) I am still very much in love with H and b) I don't go anywhere to meet people.

I'm really considering whether or not I should pack up and move away but I don't want to sell the house right now. With the market being as it is currently, we stand to just scrape into a small profit, which would not realise all the equity that we put in to the build.

I think that H is playing a very astute game at the moment. He has stopped pushing me on the sale of the house but I guess that, now I am paying more than half of everything, he is happy enough to let it ride as the market picks up. He is winning, whichever way you look at this. He stands to come out of our M with a new life, ow, half of everything that we have and to be rid of me - the noose that he feels is tied around his neck.

I meanwhile, stand to lose my H, my home, my hopes, my livelihood ... my dreams, support, ambition .... my life. It was all wrapped up with him and whilst I hear that I should be drawing my own line in the sand and moving on, I just don't want to.

I want my H back and for me, that precludes me from GALing and doing all the other stuff which is supposed to be so good for you at this time. I'm sure it is but I'm just not ready. I have tried but I'm only fooling myself. I don't feel that way and I can't act that way.

I'm so tired of sailing along, alone.

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi Nell

Home now but still feeling a bit over whelmed with brain ache, but just wanted to say hi and send cuddles and I will get stuck in and read later tomorrow! Spouses, boy sometimes are they sent to try us! x

[girlfromoz]

((((((((((((Nell)))))))))

You are entitled to your down times Nell, they are a big part of the rollercoaster ride you are on at the moment. But you have to remember and this is what I tried to do each time I was down, that they are for the most part miserable in their own heads even if they don't show it on the outside, they aren't necessarily having fun, in fact it is one thing I have learn't in my conversations this weekend with my H, the exterior is nothing of what is going on inside.

Also you can't let your H's decisions at the moment affect your mood, hard I know, but you have to rise above that and try to find the joy in simple things of life around you and try not to dwell on things too much it isn't healthy for your mind or body.

I wish I could give you a big hug in person Nell because I know how good it makes me feel.

[Sanderika]

(((((Nell)))))

I have been awol for some time. For that I am sorry. I want to be here for others, it is very hard for me right now. It seems I need to detach from the topic as well as the marriage.

I have just spent my Sunday reading the last 8 or so pages of your last thread and all 44 of this one. You, my dear, are eyeball deep in the life we call "My H has left me and is having a full-blown MLC". In my reading of you over the past month I have to say it is all classic MLC stuff. Everything he is doing or not doing and everything you are doing or not doing and feeling or not feeling emotionally. Do not question any longer if this is a MLC - it is.

I am working on coming to grips with my decision. I want you to know that it doesn't really matter where in time we are in our sitch it is still a rollercoaster of emotions and choices. My days are up and then down. I am struggling to regain the self-esteem, strength, courage and independence that I had before this all started.

I again want to say I am sorry I went awol on ya.......Grab a bottle of wine or a hot pot of tea, this will be a long post.

The things I have learned are simple, take patience and time to absorb and are necessary for you and the DB process. They won't come easy and are hard to instill, nevertheless you must do them. (In some of my earlier posts to you I told you these)

NO CONTACT is absolutely necessary. Do not question your choice.

DO NOT contact H for any reason about the household chores/maintenance or car or bills or the kitties for that matter. Muster on your own....you can survive without his help. He does not want to be there he must learn a consequence. He has to own his choice.

I understand your bill arrangement and from what I can see he has kept his end of the bargain. No need to discuss the finances. With your new job, all will be fine through December. Keep looking for employment in case this job ends - the lady just might want to come back.

If you cannot do a specific chore or task find someone other than H to assist you. You need to prove you are independent without him. He doesn't need to know how you manage. Frankly in his MLC he doesn't care. People will be willing to help you and don't be afraid to tell them you are alone. They will keep an extra watchful eye on you and your place. You need this, don't let pride get in your way.

Take the car to a shop for the maintenance you can't do. You might even get a guy friend to help with some of that too.

If H misses the kitties so be it. His loss. His consequence and another choice he has to own.

I didn't like the advice your C gave you to write H a letter. I would advise you to write...if you feel the need, however DO NOT give it to H. H will not be appreciative, as he will take it as pursueing for sure. I will also go so far as to say.....it will anger him.

For me and others here, DB is not only about YOU and learning to regain your being and life back it is about (hopefully) reconciling with a loved one. A loved one who is so very precious to us. Reconciling a marriage which as a union is also so very precious to us. I, like you, take my marriage very seriously. I married my H and vowed til death do us part, in sickness and in health. I can't just turn my back on H, in his MLC. It is like a sickness. I also feel that our H's do not push D because in some way they too are taking their marriage very seriously. I understand that they can stop their behavior, sometimes I think they have to go through this MLC hell to do the growing up they didn't do as teens and young men. It is nothing that we are at fault for. It was going to happen regardless.

Gucci and Stuck would obviously disagree with my DB techniques. I do not believe they have been in vain. I did not set boundaries for my H. I needed to change and make sure H saw the changes and he has. H enjoys my company. I make sure I always greet and treat him well. I wanted to be the lighthouse in his storm and I have succeeded. They would call it cake-eating. Perhaps it is. My H and I would not be friends at all if I had chosen a different technique. My H is still in his MLC and he just might be one of those who will never come out. Only time will tell.

My goal was to change me. I did and I am happy with me.

My goal was to create a friendship with my H. I did and I am very happy we are friends.

My goal was to reconcile my marriage. I have chosen to accept what is...is and move on. It's not to say we can't someday re-unite. It will be something new. We have to learn what was is gone. Anything we can create from this will be new.

I firmly believe that your H needs to see you in a new comfortable light. He needs to see your changes. Backslides are inevitable. Don't beat yourself up over those. Your H is not completey done yet.

Honey, you do need to get your emotions in check. You must show H over time that he can trust you. He will not entertain the thought to return if he believes nothing has changed. After your last encounter, he was driven right back in the tunnel.

FORGET THE OW EXISTS. Learn to live with it. NEVER, EVER mention her to him. Live "as if" you could give a rats a$$ about her existence. Do not let on that she takes up any space in your world. It is better to ignore her existence on the planet even. Jealousy is ugly.

Good things that are taking place are:

H is putting money on the joint account.

H is not mentioning the house appraisal.

H showed a concern for the household chores even if he never gets to them.

H let his guard down and told you he was flu-ish. A sure sign he wanted comfort from you.

H was telling you of his job, etc.... They don't tell you anything when they are serious about ending the marriage.

H asks how you have been and the kitties, too. Ditto above.

I will take your word for it that the looks and body language were very "comfortable". Another sign that he was/is "thinking".

I frankly would answer all his calls and texts. I would not call him or text him for anything. I can think of no other way to rebuild a friendship. This way you are letting him come to you (Gucci and Stuck will approve) and you have backed off completely. Backing off creates wonder in them. They don't/won't let us get too far away. I think they do still love us they are merely looking for something different and trying to grow up. Contact when initiated by them can't hurt the sitch. I love my H too and for me to turn my back on him when he needs me would be cold and surely end any positive growth towards friendship. We cannot be married if we cannot be friends.

(((((Nell)))) I have been where you are and your sitch is still young. Please give it more time. Time will not have been wasted if you can say you did everything to patch things up with H. You just never know it might be just a matter of time and things will continue to improve. Your H is hurting for sure. Time does heal. You have been at this since May/June....4 short months. Give it the summer and then see what happens.

Try to be the greener grass and DB your little a$$ off. If you have given it a full year and it still looks the same take the next step towards separating for good. I am not an advocate of the amount of time I have spent. It has served me well. My result will still be a D. I am OK. I needed to do this. I own my choice. I spent the past four years coming to grips with a loss of a relationship of 30+ years. Loss of my lover, marriage, family and career. I could not have done it any other way. I needed the time to absorb and accept. I see you in me. You need to take some more time.

(((((Hugs, Nell)))))

Will try to check in more often, I am getting stronger and so will you.

Please take care. Lots of people are here for you.

Sanderika

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Rabbit
Good that you are home safe and sound - even though with brain ache! Did you enjoy and, yesterday I was wondering, did you have to take madam with you or did you get a 'rental'?!!

Have been feeling like crap but I have just read Sanderika's post to me and now I have a lot of thinking to do ....

Catcha later - is your b*m sore?!!

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Oz
I have tried this weekend to tell myself that this is a down time but I have woken this morning to a huge block on me, pressing down harder than ever. The more that I have examined this, the more I know that I can't put up with it for much longer, but I just don't know what to do to make myself feel any better.

I don't want it to be over but part of me thinks that at least the ties would then be severed for good and I wouldn't have to keep feeling like this, surrounded constantly by all of the memories. I could start to make a new life. I really have started to hate H for what he is doing and yet I cling to the love of my marriage and the life that is past.

The weekends are my worse times and long weekends are my nemesis.

I would just love a hug ((((Oz)))) - the physical touch of another can not be replaced by anything, can it? I long for those nights back when I would drift off in to sleep with H tickling my back - every night that was my prize for being his W and how I loved it.

[dolphin_05]

Hi Nell, This hug is the best we can manage for now. (((((Nell))))). Sorry you are feeling so low. Please know that you are not alone. We've all been there and faced the very same demons you are facing. There is no quick fix. It takes as long as it takes. You can't do anything about it except to accept it as part of your journey and live with the pain and anguish. Nobody can tell you when it's time to give up except you. Grapple with the issues and make a date on your calendar when you will make a decision to keep at it or give up. Perhaps it's 30 days time and then at the end of Oct reassess. You can always add 30 days more if you need it. I think at this stage you need to focus on short term only.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Sanderika
So good to have you back - I must go check your latest thread now that I know that you are around again. How are you doing? It's great to see you here and THANK YOU for your wonderful post - you have totally grasped my situation and I am so grateful for you watching over me.

Getting up this morning, I really needed something to push me down one path or another and I think that you being back has done that - you have renewed my faith - it was almost gone, as you will have detected. I think that, reading your response, I can do something toward regaining my position as a DB'er - even though it will be from a distance. I have to take up the n/c stance now - I know it in my heart and head this time and I am resolved to making him come to me in the future.

I am also encouraged that you say it's still early days for me at 4 months. I feel like it's been forever and, with H carrying on his A and seemingly getting much more serious about his separation from me, I am hitting the skids.

I am pleased that you have diagnosed this as MLC too - I was wondering if he was 'mad or bad' and concluded that this is his choice and so came down on the side of bad. Your explanation of him not having done stuff as a young man, that he now wants to act out, is spot on. I was his first 'real' relationship and I think that he feels that he has to make up for some lost time. I guess that's what MLC is all about, right?

I have tried to work on my issues by seeing the C (and by the way, I agree about the letter - I'm not going to do it). I'm not sure that it's getting me anywhere - I shall review it after the next session and see how it goes - for me initially, it was two hours out of the house and a chance to see if it would work. I really like my C but it feels more like I'm going for a challenging chat with a friend now, than for sorting out my issues. I have to give her an opportunity this week though as she has constantly changed our plotted course as I bring other worries to her at each session.

You are right about the independence thing. I certainly was before I met him and he saw all of that side of me. Owning my own home and sailing my own ship. We have done so many home projects together over the years and had so many challenges ahead of us and I am wondering if it now feels like he is a so-called "empty-nester" - we don't have the kids that have flown but our projects have since we now have a neat and orderly life with nothing to strive for ... it's all done.

I'm glad that you have been able to become friends with your H and I am sure that we can too, however - and this is a big however - I don't feel like I want to be friends with H when he is still having A. How can I do that to myself? Why would I want to be friends with someone who is chopping up my heart? How do you overcome those feelings to become friends? I just want to rip his head off sometimes and shout into his soul "WTF do you think you are doing to me after all that we have been to one another?" I guess that I am just hurting too much still.

As in the spirit of good DB'ing, nothing has seemed to work so far, so I shall try your approach and see if that brings any success. NC resumes from Saturday onward - when he contacts me, which he will soon due to the tribunal notification which I sent to him, I will answer and REALLY try to keep my cool. I did find it much easier to deal with ow when I pretended that it did not exist but when it is flaunted in my face, as was Saturday, I see the red mist descend like a thick fog and it sets my anger off again. I have done heaps to work on my anger management but to no avail.

I think that there's a lot to be said for people being in the right place and time before they can accept what is happening. You say that you are not an advocate of how long you spent but I really don't think that you can lead a horse to water unless he is ready to drink. I know that, for me, I have to go through these gates before I can reach the other side of the field - until I have processed a lot of this stuff, I am not ready to take action. It's why everyone who doesn't understand this stuff tells you, "get over yourself - it's 4 months now - you should be with someone else". Yeah, right.

I have also considered how easy it must be for H to be doing this. He WANTS this to be happening, he is happy with his own company, he enjoys flying interstate, he has a job in which he is comfortable and earns good money. He has a sister who lives over East and parents who support him with whatever he wants to do. No wonder he is in the lap of luxury - and then there's a loving wife who he knows would have him back in a heart beat.

For me - I have no established friends here, no secure job, no family - even back in the UK, only a sister who's contact is minimal to say the least. I have nothing going on in my life - no safety or security blanket and I wonder why that is. Probably because I have made H my entire life - believing in him and needing no-one else. That was a big mistake.

However, I don't feel that I deserve to be left with nothing the way that I have been. Perhaps this is all part of my evolving ... I wonder at why some of have these struggles in life - the misery and heartache. Others have it all and never a day of worry or hardship. What's the deal there? I thought that I was done with misery, when I married my H. I believed in him and our new life together - even starting again in a new country, striving for something even better than we had ... and then within two minutes of the bomb, my whole world was blown apart. Now I have to put those pieces back together and I don't even know where to start.

I only ever needed H - he was my best friend and now he's gone too. No wonder I feel so alone ... but what I have just worked out as I am emptying my thoughts on to this post, is that H is pushing the right button - and time after time I am letting him. The answer is there ... it's my epiphany and now I must disable the button.

As he does when he comes to visit (all except once) he constantly makes an argument before he leaves. In our phone call on Saturday, he said the exact thing that he knew would make me flip - and it did. Why haven't I worked that out before now? Perhaps I had just not been through that gate. In future, when he says something that he thinks will spark an argument, Nell will purely say something disarming. Am I a slow learner, or just a quick reactor?! Well, look out my friend, next week is a whole new way to go.

Sorry folks, I have really hosted my pity party here today but it does feel that a weight has been lifted! Thanks Sanderika - you may just have sparked a vital change in me.

(((hugs)))

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Cas - I think that you are right and, as you may have seen from Sanderika post and my reply, I have made a decision to hang in there.

It's not easy and this weekend has surely not helped. It has been long, lonely and filled with problems. Knowing that H was interstate just exacerbated my whole negativity.

I shall do as you say. Give it October and reassess.

Thanks Cas - I have some good pals here now - just wish that we were all closer and could have our pity party on the café strip!

What are your plans for the day?? You aren't going to be able to top yesterday but hopefully you can find something that brings you a similar joy?

[dolphin_05]

Yes Nell I did read your reply to Sanderika and one thing I wanted to comment on was that well meaning people say, "Get on with it. Forget him. Get somebody else." Those people just don't want to see you hurt. That's our society. We don't want to see hurt and pain, only joy so we encourage others to 'get over it'. It's only when you've walked that path that you realise that it's just not that simple. This is a grieving process.

Today is another beautiful day. I have a doctor's appointment and then D wants to get some things at the shops. An afternoon walk should finish it all nicely.