My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

ummmm--okay. I've hit a new low point.

Child support payment was late last week, not because of xH but because the county switched over to a computerized system that delayed the checks being generated. However, there was no notic of that, and even if there had been I couldn't have avoided having a couple of automatic payments deducted (my share of D's tuition, a mandatory autodeduction). So there were ~$150 in overdraft and other bank fees. My budget is far too tight to absorb that--even one overdraft throws me into a financial crisis. I have cut essentially all non-necessities; we go out to eat perhaps once a month, and never spend more than $30. Entertainment is very rare--a movie or two in the past year. At any rate, this left me unable to pay my mortgage that's due in a week, and because I'm on one of those loan modification programs it absolutely cannot be late or I'll be in foreclosure. And there's not much food in the house. I examined everything; I took some books in to sell, have already sold my gold jewelry awhile back. Finally, in desperation, I asked xH for a loan of $75.

His response? "I'm not going to get into this kind of a pattern." So I thanked him and hung up because I couldn't hold it together and wasn't going to cry on the phone with him. Had a bit of a panic attack. Now, xH makes $100K. I put him through grad school and an internship in our younger days. It's not like I just went out and blew money on new shoes or something, and it's not like I wanted him to just give me money for something frivolous. I explained I needed to buy food for D13.

He called back in ~5 minutes. Yelled at me for hanging up on him, told me I really wasn't in a position to be arguing or to be a bitch. He said things were tight for him, too, because he has all these attorney fees (well, that's what happens when you want to dump your family, kwim? his decision, his choice of attorneys, his freedom.) I lost it--told him that I had no one else to ask (which is very true), there is no such pattern, I wouldn't ask unless I was against the wall, and asked him to consider it just out of respect for my having supported him through 3 years of school. I believe I probably ended up begging. Ultimately he agreed, but said he wasn't going to do it again.

Okay, how much more humiliated do I have to be? I'm trying really hard, I'm going without some necessities and certainly most luxuries. I'm working 2 jobs and looking for a 3rd--and making new graduate wages because as a single mom now I need hours that will allow me to be flexible for D13. Last winter, most of the time I had no heat because I couldn't pay the gas bill (which was ridiculously high) and couldn't afford to repair the furnace--so we generally slept in the family room near the gas fireplace. I cut my own hair, I bring my lunch every day. Can't trade the car in for a cheaper payment--I'm upside down on that loan. The mortgage is actually reasonable--but I have several medical bills from a shoulder injury 2 years ago.

I apologize for the pity party. I just reached the end of my rope. If there are any emergencies (car breaking down, I don't know) I have no options at all. I just keep thinking--I've been working for 35 years, to end up like this with no improvement in sight. I really didn't do anything wrong--I may not have been the absolute perfect wife, but I truly didn't do anything that would justify H just leaving us for someone else. I don't know when I've been this depressed.

[NNP1965]

hm my heart really goes out to you. I wish there was someething else I could do besides pray. I am so sorry you are in this position.

[BeingMe]

Me too, H'mama! Thinking of you and hoping for miracles in your life.

[Kalni]

Hi hoosiermama,
I am sorry things look so "black" right now. Dont give up. Things WILL get better. Stay strong,
K

Your xH sounds like a jerk (sorry)

[hoosiermama]

thank you. oh, yeah--he's a jerk. it's his fault I'm in this position--and his daughter's in this position--and he feels inclined to further humiliate me. I truly don't understand.

and I so wish I could believe that things will get better. I've been telling myself that for a year and a half, but they honestly just keep getting worse.

[hoosiermama]

oops--I need to be really clear.

in posting this, I am NOT asking for help--except perhaps for prayers. I need to vent and get this out, and this is where I can do it.

[BeingMe]

We know that, H'mama! Vent away! We surely do understand. My m-i-l put her first H through medical school, working as a secretary, and once he became a doctor, he left for someone else. He left her and her S with nothing. Can you imagine, though, she remarried him 2 wives later, had another 2 sons, and he cheated again. He ended up having 8 wives (shades of King Henry VIII), she and one other were the only ones to give him children. She had 3 sons with him, and the other wife had a daughter with disabilities (the W had her later in life). She was, however, the only W in the will when he passed away.

So, these things happen all the time. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

The commonality among these types of men (IMHO) is their seeming charming nature. They can charm the birds out of the trees, but when they're done with them, will crush those very birds under their heals.

[hoosiermama]

oh, so you've met Frank, have you?! He is absolutely charming, gregarious, the kind of person everybody thinks is such a great guy. STILL!! must have been HM's fault, because Frank is such a fabulous individual--oh, and isn't it just wonderful that he reconnected with an old friend? it will help the poor man get thru the pain of the divorce....

I know. It's such a cliche, isn't it?! We're about 18 months into this, and it's STILL all my fault, he's still the victim in this and NOW he has all these LAWYER bills and CHILD SUPPORT to deal with because of me!!

[dday101798]

Chin up 'mama.

I've had my back against the wall financially since beginning of last month. And every time it seems like I get caught up, something else direly goes wrong and there goes everything. Hell, I've coasted through this week with $4 to my name, that's a scary feeling when driving 54 miles a day on the lovely west side "streets" of Chicago.

I do take my hat off to you for turning to your X, something I'd never do, that took some pride swallowing for sure, but when you're in a pinch, you do what you need to do. And in looking at it, if you're short, he should be the one to help, but that's just my opinion.

Just know that someway, somehow, in the end it all works out. We're just being challneged, and why are good people challenged? To make us better people.

[hoosiermama]

I've been at this for ~18 months--and it has worn on me. It is a CONSTANT worry, and financial crisis limits one's life in so many ways--can't go anywhere, no vacations, no entertainment, can't even go grab a cup of coffee with someone (well, it's not like anyone's been open to that anyway). all the what-if's. this is the part I've coped with least well.

and yeah, he SHOULD be the one to help. because he's not really helping me, he's helping D13. but he truly cannot see past himself, still, even though he has all he wants and needs. and that's the only reason I turned to him. he made it sound like this is something I've been doing routinely, and it's been over a year since I've asked him for help--and that was about the time he decided he couldn't provide any CS because he was entitled to furnish his new apt. with whatever he wanted.