NC with wife for one week

[Stronger]

GB
Ready2Change is on the money here.
If you do talk to her again, maybe validate this time? Again, it's not giving into her, it's just letting her know you do understand her and really don't we all just want someone to "get" us?

[GoBison]

I did validate how she felt. I even agreed with her on things and that felt the same way at times. However when she stated things that were not true I did call her on them. Things that were not her feeling just actual events. For the most part I was calm. There was a few times that I did get a little louder but calmed back down quickly. Yeah I am hurt and let her know a few things were she has hurt me but did not dwell on them. For the most part we have never had a talk like that. It was always just her telling me what I have done wrong and nothing else. Maybe it was a big backslide I don't know. The plan is not to talk about R or D things too much and to actually talk like normal people.

[GoBison]

I did call her today and left vm telling her that I was going to run to the dog park tonight to see if she wants to go. If I don't hear anyhting from her today I will try to give her a call on sat or sun to see how her weekend at work was.

[Ready2Change]

So,

What are her major complaints about you? Would you mind listing them here for us?

[GoBison]

The only complaints that she has ever had was that I was jealous and controlling.

I am not sure how she sees me as controlling. Everything that we did was her idea. Moved to new city, held off on kids, she bought her car without me even seeing it, she went out with friends whenever.

Jealousy - I told her that I understand that she thinks that I am jealous and sometimes it may come across that I am that I really am not and that I know she would never cheat on me. Right after the bomb my IC told me to tell her that yes I was jealous and tell her things that she would perceive as jealous and tell her that I was jealous. She brought those things up last night and I told her that I really am not and that it was advice from my IC to tell you that I was and specifically for one person. I should have just agreed with her and said yes and I am working on that. Probably my biggest mistake from last night. But for some reason I felt that I had to defend my real perspective as she seemed clinging to that. I did ask her when she thought that I was being jealous and she came all she could really come up with is a time in February when we were on vacation and I seemed jealous for about 5 minutes one night when she was talking to some guy. I told her that I could have been acting like a jerk and could have been but I don't remember the event.

I also told her last night that before I feared losing her before and it made me insecure about myself. I told her that while I want her to be my wife and for us to work on the marriage I no longer felt the need for her to be. That I am more secure in myself and have made great improvements in myself in the past two months.

I know that I could have validated her even more than I did. The biggest problem I see in our M is lack of respect. Standing up for myself last night was probably the first time that I have done that in our M in a long time. While I could have stood up for myself with more validation I did not. Maybe I was all wrong with talking to her last night I have been replaying things in my head all day and trying to figure out where I screwed up and what I actually did right. It can't be undone what is done. I guess I will just have to see what happens in the future and try harder to validate her feelings more if or when the time comes.

I told her that I know that right now she does not feel like she cares about our M and that she does not care about me. I also told her that I do not feel that we should not throw away ten years of lives just like that when there could be a chance that things could be better.

She asked if I am going to fight things because of religion. I told that was part of the reason. I told her that God did not intend for us to have a bad marriage and that we can have a good M. I told her that I do pray everyday that our M will be made to be better and that I truly believe that it can. And that neither of us want to go back to the way things were.

Talking to her last night got a lot of things out. Mainly on my side which may have been wrong. Maybe I royally screwed things up last night. I don't know. It was left with no I don't want to extend out the papers to work on things but yes you can call just to talk.

R2C - Stronger - go ahead with the 2x4's

[GoBison]

I also told her that our biggest problem in our M is how we communicate with each other. That when one of us sees and issue or does not like is going on neither of us tell the other person and just keep it inside.

[Stronger]

I have not one 2X4 for you. It's crunch time. Conversations have to be had.
Fight the divorce.

[GoBison]

Ok Stronger since I am trying to make contact instead of staying dark with obviously did not work and was much easier. How do I do it without seeming like I am pursuing and without too much pressure.

Yesterday I called her and left her a vm seeing if she wanted to meet at dog park if she did not have to work. - No answer

Today I text her "have a good night at work and it seems like it might be a good weekend to work with the rain." - No answer

I hate texting but really didn't want to call and leave another vm. So do I wait a couple of days then call again. Or do I go total pursuit on her and send the flowers, signing clown, dancing monkeys. I really don't want to wait a real long time to send stuff as I have about 3 weeks before I have to respond to filing. Of course it will have to be a completely off the wall response so that it gets extended out for months. Without some movement on her side it is all I have left.

[K4D]

Wouldn't we all like to know the answer to that.

Kevin

[GoBison]

Well now W does not seem to answer phone calls. I called her on Thursday to see if she wanted to go to dog park. Sent her a text on Friday to have a good weekend at work. Then called her last night and left her a vm about having to sign something at the gym. So when I talked to her had wanted me to call before and said that it was ok to talk. Now when I do call she doesn't answer or call back.