Guess who called me 24hrs. later CALMLY TALKING, WANTING TO RESOLVE THINGS BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, EVEN IN THERAPY, AND OWNING UP TO HOW PARANOID HE'S BEEN.
He has a long way to go, but I'm finally standing up to him this has shown results. THANK GOD. It's going to be a tough battle.
My first step is - stay away from him, and only talk about this stuff in therapy. He came up with the idea today, I didn't ask him. So I"m going to jump on it and stay away. No more clinging and waiting around.
Hope,
I'm glad to hear of this new development. I hope your H is sincere and that this is not just another ploy to get what he wants. So I would recommend being cautiously optimistic and even suggest you consider operating under the assumption that his motives may be less than sincere. Not only will this help minimize any disappointment on your part if it is ploy, but maintaining some skepticism may in turn motivate your H to work harder towards resolving things between you two.
You are spot on about only discussing your issues in therapy- at least for now. That will help with getting your H's buy-in on attending counseling.
BTW, congrats on winning the part in the play. It wouldn't happen to be a Shakespeare play would it?
Have a great weekend.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Thanks, BJ. I completely agree. I will assume he's trying to butter me up until further notice. It's hard to fight the urge to get hopeful, but I've been burned too many times.
I also will not talk about this stuff alone any more. It just gets heated. If he will go to therapy, we can talk, otherwise, the lawyers can handle. I'm really going to be firm from now on.
I feel like I'm finally living life for me, not in terror of his constant criticism. Now I have to keep it up.
No, the play is not Shakespear - I do a lot of independent theatre in San Francisco. I got cast for the first time with a company that I've been interested in working with for a while now. A bunch of my friends have worked with them. I was invited by the director to audition, so I knew they were interested in me as well.
I almost cancelled my audition because this was the night my H threatened to fight a bigger divorce and I left and spent the night at my friend's. I was depressed. My mother said if the theatre company had invited and was expecting me, I should go and I'd feel better. I had no expectations of getting cast, but I did immediately. It did wonders for my self esteem. It was great to connect with friends I hadn't seen in a while. That boosted my sense of independence. It was a serious GAL move.
And it was the next day my H called offering to go to therapy and owning up to his part in things a bit.
I'm smart enough to know he's come around before only to end up more abusive later = so I'm still keeping distance and waiting and watching. Meanwhile, have a great day planned with my S and a friend today to work in the garden.
Just did my thing today. H didn't even call, just showed up. Weird. I have stopped the daily "what's the schedule" calls because I'm not contacting him at all. I knew he wanted to see S today, but had given me no details so I just ignored him. He came over, I had my neighbor and my parents here and H hid out in the back room. Also weird. He appeared for a little while and had played with S while neighbor and I went to the garden store. Then he slipped off with a vague "talk to you at somepoint." I'm just not going to bite. I'm going on with my life and he can contact me since he cant stick to a schedule.
I might also add he continued to be pleasant and chatty with me. Still supspicious, but hoping it's a positive reaction to my no-pursuing-taking-no-crap" stance. Time will tell.
He came up with the idea to go to a pumpkin patch tomorrow with S and me. Could be a set up for more testing. If he's nasty, I'll leave. If he behaves, will be a good family day for S. As for getting my hopes up, no way. Fighting the urge. Trying to face the fact that this just may be it - we'll never get back together - while hoping that if there's any chance we do, he now knows he has to change too.
It really sounds like you are doing a lot better. Experiencing personal successes outside of the MR- like landing the role in the play- are great reminders that your M isn't the only thing that defines you as a person.
Have a great day tomorrow. Hope it turns out well at the pumpkin patch.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
H showed up without calling again. Weird. He was very calm and pleasant. We went for family day at a pumpkin patch where we did a lot of laughing. Day 4 of nice H. Agreed to go to MC this Thursday! Also, loved "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About IT" it gave me a lot of insight as to how I probably trigger my H without meaning to.
I don't know if this DB stuff works - anymore, I'm inclined to think we mainly get on here to support each other with moving on when we are left. However, dare I say things are starting to feel they may be turning around? If even temporarily, this feels good. I feel I have my power back - for now. I don't know if he'll ever come back, but I"m feeling strong anyhow.
I think that you're going about this the right way. Take the good, stay somewhat detached and be strong.
Hopefully the new part you got won't be all consuming. I know that the theater was something that H felt took priority over your M in the past so there will be a tendency for him to see you doing this and think “see, nothing has changed.” There’s no reason that there can’t be a better balance though. It sounds like you’re in a good place right now.
He agreed to MC Thursday? This is great! There is of course the chance that he will go just to say he did and justify himself for leaving, but your H doesn’t seem like he’s the type that feels he needs to justify himself.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Venting here - H got all upset last WEd. when he had to be home, per our agreement, by 4:30 so I could go to my support group. But last night when S said he wanted to go flyinhg (H is a pilot), H makes plans to pick up S at 2:30 to go flying for the rest of the day.
I'm really p.o.ed that he's made a big deal out of not having any time to himself because of work, and then just takes off early today. He also did not ask me what my plans w S were.
And this weekend he did not let me know what time he would be here, he just showed up. H has also told me that the nights he's here to be with S, he does not want me "just coming and going" but want to know specifically my plans.
I'm feeling really jerked around. I know that if I call him and express these things, it will be more of an excuse to just slam me. But he's being so unfair. Advice?
WIth the above, the problem is, I told myself to stay away and not talk to him unless he calls me. But he's making plans with S without consulting me and it gets my goat. I'm so tempted to call him but this is probably a really bad idea.
