Sweet Pea, My advice is laugh. Are you kidding? When do men notice anything on the couch besides the remote? Thanks for letting me know my kid's clothing should be washed....I was wondering if I should clean them or let him be called Pig Pen. And hell, if I'm going to wash the laundry why stop there? Let's be crazy, let's actually FOLD it!
He sounds like the mean bitch on the cheerleading team who just couldn't be happy with herself so she picked on everyone!
It's time to laugh Hope. Not in his face just to yourself.
Seriously:
"What is this pink stain on the couch? IF you want to waste your time cleaning it, go ahead. I won't." Answer: You might be right because I have no idea what that is.
"It's a good idea to get S's pants cleaned. He is wearing these ones with a paint stain on them." Answer: I saw that....think I should just trash them? (Sincerely, not snotty)
"You don't need to FOLD laundry - it wastes time" Answer: (Laughing) While I see your point, unfortunately, I have to otherwise everyone will make fun of us and call us the Wrinkles. I can't let you walk around like that!
I don't know how you laugh. My H is not like most men - he is so anal is it scary. Have you watched the show "Monk?" or he's like Felix Unger - except instead of it being his own nerosis, it's blamed on me.
He's always complained about the stains, etc...but it's ramped up many notches since moving out. Like I said, I think the implication is what a [censored] up I am, how I waste my time, and how much better he'd be without me.
Laugh...God I'd have to fake it big time. I will try next time - lord knows tomorrow there will be five more criticisms waiting for me. Laugh? I'm crying right now. How can I laugh.
I guess I did the best I could, I just calmly agreed iwth him and walked away. Now I'm trying to find a way to laugh this knot right out of my stomach.
You can not react to his crap. When it's true geniune crap....there should be no reaction, like it's a stranger who doesn't like your shoes. Who cares?
If he said "Honey, I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes, for example....." Listen to that and work with him.
"Honey, I see a water mark on this plate...I think you should throw it away" is ridiculous.
He never says anything that rational, Stronger. He says the irrational things. Why does it bother me more than if a stranger said it? I guess because the implication is that he is using it to justify to me and to himself why he should divorce me, why I haven't changed, etc.
Or maybe he just plain gets off on the power, I don't know.
I wish I could pretend it was just a stranger saying it. I've been feeling awful because of it all day. Wish I could not let it cut me to the core and feel so afraid.
It's all of the above possibly. It is hurtful. How you really shut that out, I'm not sure. My suggestion, don't believe a word he says. Don't engage him. What's the point? Eventually he'll tire of your ability to shut him out as he's being irrational.
Have you thought of doing this....agreeing with him?
What's this spot on the couch? You say "OMG!!! I have no idea! But you're right! How ugly!"
You don't need to fold laundry as it's a waste of time! You say "Good point, my time is valuable." And then don't fold it. When he bitches "My clothes are wrinkled" you say "Oh, sorry, I thought I would save some time and not fold it, but you're right, that looks shabby."
Go back and forth with him, not back and forth against him.
Part of his Felix Ungerness is that I've never done his laundry. So I won't get any effect from that. In the eight years we've been together, he doesn't want me touching his stuff. Lately he won't even eat the food I make him. It's weird.
I have tried agreeing with him - can't remember any big changes, but hey, why not? Working iwth him instead of against him can't hurt.
It's more my internal head trips that I need to work on. I've been alone, but spinning all day with the fear of being criticized for the next five things. I scubbed all day. I worked hard and it won't be noticed. It's crazy.
Thank you EB. I really needed to feel appreciated.
I finally got to a place of peace tonight. I had to let go of my obssessive thoughts - Then I can truly be with myself and at peace.
Letting go is not just external - so much is internal.
I finally let go of this annoying thought train: "H criticizes me. H will use this to prove to himself I haven't changed. H will D me. How will S (4) and I survive? Will I be able to afford this house? Will I be able to afford food? Will I ever have a happy R?"
