My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, ncb.

My prayer life and my relationship with God are still good, one of my few remaining intact relationships. I pray for healing, for wisdom, for strength. I did almost 7 years of ministry, which sort of ended the same week as my marriage--and that helped me to understand God's love. I find church very difficult right now, tho, because I have felt so betrayed by xH's church (where he still serves in a leadership capacity) and my own, where I was bullied out of a job.

I cannot afford IC right now. If I could, I would be getting it for D13. I don't qualify for any aid or reduced fees based upon my salary; I just have a lot of expenses, including attorney fees and old medical bills. I am still doing spiritual direction, however, after a year's hiatus.

Still taking large doses of AD's, or I wouldn't be making it at all, I think. I have never coped well with feeling isolated, and I have felt isolated many times in my life. And I have yet to figure out a strategy to prevent that from triggering despair. The bete noir continues to stalk. I do all that stuff you're supposed to do--get active, do creative things, reach out over and over and over to friends, stay busy. But the loneliness is terrible.

I have experienced joy over the past year or so. Many times. It's just that there is so much time in-between filled with moment-by-moment existence. God is present, but God cannot change my circumstances. I believe that he is as sad as I am about the rejection I have experienced. Nevertheless, I feel it just the same. Sometimes you just need somebody with skin on, you know?

[NNP1965]

This makes me so sad to read, hm. I just want to scream, what is wrong with all these people, your supposed friends should be supporting you!

Have you looked into a Divorce Care group? I am going through it now, it's 14 weeks and tomorrow will be week 4 for me. It is no cost (there is a workbook, but only if you choose to buy one, it's not mandatory).

Maybe something like that would give you some connections with people who understand what you're going through.

[NoCodeBlues]

I second the recommendation of DC. I have met friends through DC that have really helped me -- even when I am the one doing the helping.

I know about the expense of IC. Even the church-subsidized fees of my own IC are more than I can handle right now. If you can find some sort of low-cost or no-cost support group, like DC, you might meet folks who can help with the loneliness.

Does it ever go away? No. Not really. But the cynical part of me thinks that maybe even in the best of one-on-one relationships a person can feel loneliness, the only difference is that the other person distracts us from recognizing it. Maybe. (Let's just say that I have been having second thoughts on whether I was truly, 100% melded with my W when we were M'ed.)

I also know what you mean about the "skin" of someone too. But even there, I am beginning to think we're just settling -- settling for something that is a poor substitute for what we really want and need, which is God. We are all, each in our own way, seeking Heaven, and we stumble blindly here in the "Shadowlands", as C. S. Lewis describes it, trying to find some semblance of being with God and thus 100% free of loneliness.

I don't know, I'm just rambling now.

I feel ya', Huzh. I hate that your Church is not supporting you. Your predicament is very reminiscent of other DB'ers, like Lovely Olive. I know it is painful to see people who profess a strong closeness with God fail utterly to live by the values they so proclaim.

And then I remember that they are human too, just as fallible as the rest of us, often even more-so. Sad-to-say.

[Reincarnated]

HM -
This seems to be a recurrent theme among us all here, recently. For myself, instead of thinking about dating, I have decided that I want to build up my base of friends (a la Sex and the City). Like you, too many of my eggs were stacked in xH's basket. And I do feel like I am more like an early-20s, rather than a practically 40. Life, take 2.
The days of loneliness do start to spread out, though. I think I have a year more into this that you...they hit, but not as often. There were times when I couldn't get out of bed, even if the kids were home. Not anymore - now, I know what the triggers can be, and the plans I make seem to keep me above it (for now).

An idea about your daughter - you work in a school, with a social worker and school psych, yes? Can one of them offer some help for her? Or someone from her own school? They are usually understanding of these situations and want to help....

I'll write more later...

[hoosiermama]

This makes me so sad to read, hm. I just want to scream, what is wrong with all these people, your supposed friends should be supporting you!

Have you looked into a Divorce Care group? I am going through it now, it's 14 weeks and tomorrow will be week 4 for me. It is no cost (there is a workbook, but only if you choose to buy one, it's not mandatory).

Maybe something like that would give you some connections with people who understand what you're going through.

I will look for some Divorce Care groups. Couldn't hurt. I just wasn't familiar with them at all.

As for friends--they're busy, they have lives, and mine can be overwhelming. When they are free, they want to relax and not have to deal with how crazy my life is.

[hoosiermama]

Oh, I know this. Our hearts are restless until they rest in God. I'm not looking for an alternative, a filler--I'm just seeking some support, a little companionship. It's just that I kinda had the perfect storm--and many things imploded simultaneously, and not connected to each other. The fallout will take a long time to clear.

[hoosiermama]

HM -
This seems to be a recurrent theme among us all here, recently. For myself, instead of thinking about dating, I have decided that I want to build up my base of friends (a la Sex and the City). Like you, too many of my eggs were stacked in xH's basket. And I do feel like I am more like an early-20s, rather than a practically 40. Life, take 2.
The days of loneliness do start to spread out, though. I think I have a year more into this that you...they hit, but not as often. There were times when I couldn't get out of bed, even if the kids were home. Not anymore - now, I know what the triggers can be, and the plans I make seem to keep me above it (for now).

An idea about your daughter - you work in a school, with a social worker and school psych, yes? Can one of them offer some help for her? Or someone from her own school? They are usually understanding of these situations and want to help....

I'll write more later...

My eggs were stacked in xH's basket, and in my church community--which was also where I worked. In the same week, both pulled out. I knew there was that possibility at work/church, just trying to hang on until D graduated from 8th grade there. But ultimately, I had no control over the timing. And xH--yeah, that just took my by complete surprise. Altho, in retrospect, it shouldn't have either.

D13 is doing okay, really. It's just that she did see an IC a couple of times and really liked it, but then I could no longer afford it and xH wasn't willing to foot the bill. Her school has generally been less than helpful, and as a small parochial school there are no resources like counselors or social workers. But checking with our social worker is probably a good idea.

This is actually the second time I've started over. I was briefly married in my 30's, and started over after that divorce mid-30's. It's harder this time, both because I'm older and because I have a daughter now. But between both these things, I will never be financially well-off, nor will I ever be able to retire. But no point in worrying about that issue right now.

[BeingMe]

Hi H'mama! I wondered what happened to you. And now I have found your thread again! Yay! I am so happy with the progress you have shown and with the new friendship you have in the long-distance 'relationship'. (Not sure how you would describe it.) I am glad you have that support. But, I am also sad that you feel so isolated and still feel the sharpness of the betrayals of those you love/d. I cannot imagine how that must feel.

You know, I have always felt that you have a knack for storytelling (shows in the turn of phrases you come up with, i.e. wanting someone with skin to hang out with --- paraphrasing here, obviously), and I wonder if you should write a story/book/poem about a character such as yourself. It might help to pour something into a creative venture while still draining away the hurt of your M. It may be cathartic. And, who knows, you might find a new career or sideline hobby that can generate a little money.

Just thinking up ideas for you when you are alone at home. It's something I did when I spent a lot of my day alone and my nights because H was on business trips, kids at school, etc. and we were living in a new city and country. In my case, I wrote poems.

Anyway, I am so chuffed to have connected with your threads again.

[hoosiermama]

Good to hear from you, BeingMe! Thanks for the props. Actually, I have published several things in my professional life and been on editorial boards. Only a few things that were creative. xH used to say I ought to write a book--guess he gave me plenty of material! Maybe I will write that book, once I have a bit of perspective on all of this.

I was really feeling the betrayal over the weekend. And I should know better--I need to get out more often, even if it's alone, and get out of my head. Being alone all weekend and talking only to the dogs isn't the healthiest thing I could be doing!

Yeah, about the long-distance "relationship"--I'm not sure what to call it either! He has this sense that the first relationship after divorce is doomed, and I think that's why we don't have names for things--like who we are to each other and how we feel about each other. Because if it isn't a "relationship" it isn't doomed! Which is fine, really. It's good that we're far apart, because we'd have drowned each other instead of keeping each other afloat. And slow is just fine. (just hope someone else doesn't sneak in in the meantime!)

I'm thinking "chuffed" is a good thing, eh? Thanks!

[BeingMe]

Yes, 'chuffed' is a good thing ---- it means, 'very pleased'.

Who says the first R after a D is doomed? My present M has lasted 23 years after my D from my XH (3 year M). And, here we are, still together even after the EA. Go slow, but if it feels right, then go for it, and if it doesn't work, then at least you tried. This is no time for fear, or not taking risks. Life is for living.

Scr*w the people who have let you down! They have shown their true colours. Let it go, and find a new and better life for yourself.

Phew! Take care.