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I am not saying what your pastor did is what I would have done. That being said, you also don't know what your XH was telling him. Perhaps he fed lies to your pastor and your pastor wasn't sure who to believe

while the truth always seems so obvious to us, to outsiders it is not so as our Xs are master manipulators and don't often admit to being the schmeels they really are

perhaps this pastor was trying to remain nuetral and the fact that you wanted him to take your side made it difficult for him to reach out to you????

again...not saying he was right and I probably would have kicked him in the ass without even hearing his side, which may be why I am not a pastoral minister!!! grin

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"...pastor was far more appalled that I read xH's private email and shared it with him than he was at the adultery, and agreed to meet with me one time only."

See! This is what I mean about your "pastor" Hoos. I mean to tell ya, you may want to "reconsider" about this guy and LOOK FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIM TO TURN TO FOR SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP. AND FAST!

The reason I say this is because my OWN experience is similar to yours - in the beginning! I supplied emails to my priest too. Only my emails were of H's indescretions with prostitutes etc., etc. Don't really know what yours were, but to me, it doesn't really matter. MY priest, was consoling with me and said I should divorce him -- not really sure how this goes along with the teachings of the Catholic Church, of which I'm a part of, but I've struggled with it now for two years.

Anyway, my point being ... my priest/in fact BOTH of them, side with me in WAY my direction. (It is possible that they do because they are not in contact with stbx). But, one of them was in the beginning and he still sees stbx as the culprit who is "not normal." That's yet another story.

But see my point? Try looking for another confidant in the church, maybe even another church of the same denomination near you. I travel 30 miles just to see my priest. When I went to mediation on Thursday, I texted him and told him where I was. He texted back, saying all is well (meaning God is taking care of it). Not a lot of support but CERTAINLY more than yours, girlfried.

We're with you dear. Stay strong. Stay clear in your faith and you're loved here.

peace,
poet

Last edited by poet; 04/19/10 02:42 AM.
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hm, I gotta say I agree with poet 100% on the strength of this alone
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
...pastor was far more appalled that I read xH's private email and shared it with him than he was at the adultery, and agreed to meet with me one time only.
Originally Posted By: poet
LOOK FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIM TO TURN TO FOR SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP. AND FAST!
This, too.

Though I do realize that Church/pastor/spiritual decisions are extremely personal - intimate, even - and, therefore you ultimately must listen to no one and nothing but your own heart.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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I would love to see where in the bible your husband comes up with his excuse for infidelity!
I know someone whose husband told her he was leaving because "God has big plans for me and they don't include you". The human mind is an amazing thing!!!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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believe me, guys, I would not turn to this guy for spiritual support--or any other kind. two years ago I asked this guy for help, and he essentially declined--yeah, no doubt xH had his own version of the story to tell. this time around, I didn't seek him out. I keep getting invitations to youth ministry events for D14, and I finally got irritable enough to reply to them that I had no intention of sending her to anything at that church because of the way they had thrown us to the wolves while supporting xH in his adultery. then he replied to me, as noted. and his note was just as appalling as how he handled things 2 years ago, and I think deserves a reply. but as for spiritual leadership or support--heck no.


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Originally Posted By: whatisis
I would love to see where in the bible your husband comes up with his excuse for infidelity!
I know someone whose husband told her he was leaving because "God has big plans for me and they don't include you". The human mind is an amazing thing!!!
I think he believes he's far above anything as quaint and archaic as the Bible or the commandments. it's all about self-actualization and, as he called it, "living into his truth." religion was all about the externals for him anyway, very little grasp of the relational aspect of faith.


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M14 yrs
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bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
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Well, I think this pastor was "protesting way too much". Way long email to give you a "reason" for his lack of support. I am glad you are not a member of this church. As for the bible, one can read many things into it, but I recall from class that Paul expected sinners to be ostracized from the community until they had repented. Sometimes, I wonder if church leaders nowadays are soft on "sin" in case they lose people. Maybe, if they expect more from their congregation, they will be surprised at how it will grow, in my humble opinion. Jesus did hang with sinners, but he didn't just sit around chatting about the weather, he was preaching repentance and baptism.

Well, I can debate these things forever, since I just finished a class on Critical Bible Study : New Testament. It was fascinating, eye-opening, and more difficult than I ever could've imagined. It was a scholarly course, with no spirituality involved, except that my belief system increased, rather than decreased. Surprising!


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
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Kick ass and take names, eh Being Me grin
Presently, I'm reading a book by John Ortberg entitled Faith & Doubt and in it he quotes Frederick Buechner, "Thus many an atheist is a believer without knowing it,just as many a believer is an atheist without knowing it. You can sincerely believe there is no God and live as though there is. You can sincerely believe there is a God and live as though there isn't. So it goes." Ortberg also cites the Apostles Creed wondering what it would look like if we actually recited it in the way we live it:
I believe that a lie is a bad thing, but it might be necessary for me to avoid pain. ("A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble."
I believe that it pays to be nicest to people who are wealthy, attractive, smart, athletic, successful, or important.
I believe that I have the right to pass judgment on others.
I believe that I have the right to gossip about people.
I believe that I had better be looking out for number one.
I believe that things have not gone as well for me as they should, so I deserve a little treat: another doughnut, another drink, another pill, another fantasy...
I believe that thirty thousand children dying of preventable diseases every day in our world are not worth risking my affluence for.
He writes "All of these convictions lie deep within me, and you can see that I believe them if you look at the way I live"

Just thought I'd share! smile


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LOL grin I have to read that book some time, Wii. But, I don't advocate "kick ass" so much, because Paul also says that "if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness." (Galatians 6:1) So, while, I would not expect our spiritual leaders, such as Hmama's ex-pastor, to ostracize her XH (although, according to Paul, it is an option), it would be incumbent upon him to "restore him". How that looks? I dunno, but I don't think standing back and doing nothing is it (except pray, which I am sure is part of it). And then to withhold assistance/friendship/fellowship to the one's who have been injured just blows me away. As a friend, he shouldn't take sides, but as a pastor, he should take the side of the injured, the one who did not sin within the marriage, not blatantly cut her off, and then allowing the process of the adulterer gaining priesthood.

Anyway, Hmama, you are doing awesome now, no thanks to that pastor. It goes to show you that if your XH could be a leader in a church, then I just wonder at how the process works (the wolf guarding the chickens kinda thing).

Take care.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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some brief updates...

I'm in my last week as a school nurse, before moving on Monday to research. this is bittersweet, and leaving is hard. I'm leaving friends behind--altho I definitely plan to stay in touch.

xH is gone on business for a week out of town. D14 is missing him, and missing the gf. I'm thinking this is a good thing, really; she's not pining away, just mentions it (and the cats she also misses) from time to time.

Texas prof may not be visiting after all Memorial Day week. His college daughter has a program that he may need to provide transportation to, altho that may all fall thru. nope, I don't think it's an excuse; he's not happy about it. Before I knew about the potential change in plans, I asked him--in preparation for the visit, if he is "involved" with anyone. Long, thoughtful reply that he thought I'd freak out over--dating a few, not "involved," doesn't want involvement or emotional intensity right now, or until his bipolar son is back home (could be a few years). He was very gracious and grateful about my support and encouragement. Going hiking with one of them this weekend, altho she's seriously bipolar (and doing all-day outpt psych therapy daily); doesn't want to get involved with her for that reason, but I pointed out that she is pretty fragile and vulnerable and could easily misinterpret his kindness. hmmm. also told him I was beginning to feel like his sister....


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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